i started again

That's right tonight I started working on my novel again. I made myself sit down and start writing. Fight the writers block with writing. I am very proud of myself right now. I had not touch my novel since sometime last year and it feels good to be writing it again. And I know people probably think I 'm crazy for this but I have to write in order which is what has partly taken me so long to get back to it. I don't know why but I just have to go in order. So that is the good news for tonight.

Oh and I have a job interview on my birthday for a job at a photography studio, I am very excited and hope I get it, I would love to work on my photography skills and get paid to do it.

I think I'm good now

I sent Jon an email yesterday telling him that when he is in town we can only hang out and nothing farther because it is all I can handle emotionally. I haven't heard back but I told him if he was going to reply to take some time to think. I feel better and yet worse at the same time. Because although I know it is not good for me when we sleep together I don't want him to stop wanting to see me, we are suppose to be friends and it was more like friends with benefits and now I know I can't handle being friends with benefits and that we should just be friends. It is a whole lot of mess, because really I still have feelings for him and wish it could be more, but being in reality I know better than that so I just got to hope we can really be friends even when there is no sex.

I need...

I need a job. Twice now I had been lead to think that I had a job and twice now things have fallen through. My last day at my current job is next week and I really need something else lined up. I am pissed. The first was a summer babysitting job with a family my family kinda knew and the only thing I can think of why I didn't get that job was because the other candidate was older. The other was with a nanny agency and they said they did not interview you unless you were qualified so when I got the interview and the person was talking about just having to do this and that I believed I had the job, well today i got an email that said my references were not up to standards, which I'm pretty sure that is because I have only ever babysat for the families and never actually been a nanny for, but still the agency should have checked the references before the interview because in the interview they said all they had to do was this and then I would go to an orientation and could start taking jobs, so I am pretty pissed off right now about that. I have worked in childcare for going on eight years and just because I was 12 when I start shouldn't stop me from getting jobs. I'm sick of working for other people and I am working on not having to but it will take some time before that can happen, at least six months and I have bills to pay still, a car payment, school, credit cards; my parents can not take that on, I can barely afford it on what I get paid now. I have never had this much trouble finding a job before and it's pissing me off.

I can't believe it

I know, I know it has been forever again but I just haven't had much going. I have pretty much just been going to work and doing my school stuff. Well my cousin did get married a month ago and we have set a date for my sister-in-law's baby shower. She and my brother will be here for about a week in August. Jon is in town again, saw him yesterday, said he would be here for a while so probably will see him again before he leaves. Um... Not much else going on. Oh, I quit my job at the daycare to start at a nanny agency, it should be fun, and easier as I will be dealing with less children. I want to do more work with my novel so I will be trying to find time to do that. And that's about it for now.

I know it has been a while

But I have been busy. Last weekend was my cousins weeding and it was beautiful and fun and I'll post pictures later when I get them. That means I was in San Antonio all weekend. Actually Friday to Sunday morning but we did have to drive to Austin and back to San Antonio after I realized I had left my purse some where in the house and it ended up on the porch good thing we went back. That is about all that has been going on with me other then some other very stressful things that I may or may not post about a little later this week.

Bad Habits and Other Things

I have had some very bad habits as of late. I have wanted to post for a while but have kept pitting it off. I have had stuff to post but just couldn't get myself to post. I think part of it is because I have been pretty busy but for me that is no excuse since I do sit in front of my computer for hours a day if it be on facebook or hulu watching TV shows I missed, if I have time to do that I have time to post on here. But still I procrastinate on posting.

A lot has been going on. My cousin is getting married in less then a month and I went to her bridal shower last Sunday. It was fun. It did not serve its intended purpose though. My cousin had not wanted her mother or my mother there so that I could get to know some people so that I would not only know family at her wedding, well here mother cried and ended up going which meant my mother had to go for language control on my aunt, see my cousin who just turned 22 is marring a man who I believe is 50 I'm not positive on his age I just know he is closer to my dad's age then mine. Well the rest of the family can clearly see that she loves him and even though we worry about her know that she has made the choice and is happy with it. So we leave it at that. I got to go shopping with her to get dresses for the wedding and the rehearsal and that was fun other then the shoes I was wearing killed my left heal, but got new ones and I'm all set for the wedding.

I have a baby shower to go to today. A co-worker is due in April and so it is that time. She is my age and there was a lot of stress and drama in the beginning but now everyone has accepted it and are ready to welcome Makayla, but since it is the director's son's girlfriend that is due I'm sure you can see why there was drama. Both parents work at the center. It should be fun.

Now this part is what I've really been debating about posting. I use to post most things about this but I was unsure for a while now weather I should. I finally deiced that I would. It does however show another bad habit. You all know my ex disappeared and then ended up moving to Japan, well he has visited Austin quite often since then. First time I knew about was the July after when I was still in a deep dark depression. Then he came to Oklahoma/Austin for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He came for a few weeks in January. And he just recently has come for SXSW. Well while he was here for that long two month span we hung out once. It was at his place there was drinking involved we did stuff we shouldn't and I had been confused about it ever since. I tried to talk to him about what happen but that didn't help and I pretty much just left it. I didn't email or text him and I had no plan to do so anytime in the future. Well he texted me the weekend of my cousin's shower. It was Saturday morning I had nothing to do. At first it was just this and that about him being stranded the night before but then he invited me over to hang. It was early but I didn't have any else to do so I went. It stated off all innocent. I sat on one side of the couch he sat on the other we caught up on what was happening in each others lives as we semi watched TV. Then we decided to watch a movie. I went and picked Zombieland. Once the movie was in he pulled me onto his lap, well since he was laying down I was really just laying on top of him. Well we watched the movie, during it he playfully fake but my neck, but he did kiss me at some point during it and there was some inappropriate touching on his part. Well after the movie stuff happened that probably shouldn't have and even though I knew I should be stopping it I didn't. After this happening twice, once in December and once a week ago I can see it happening every time that I see him as long as I'm not with someone else. It is a bad habit that I really should not get caught up in. But he still makes me feel good when I'm with him and some of the things he say are confusing as hell. We were talking about how I had gotten hot as in I felt overly warm the last time I had seen him since I was really drunk at the time, well he then said 'you're always hot' which is a nice compliment but it confuses things, now not saying that I don't still find him attractive I do and always will but I never verbalize and he does. Then I was telling him how my cat woke me up during a dream that I did not want to be woken form because it was a dirty dream and a very good one, he asked if it was about him and when I said no he asked 'why are you having dirty dreams about other people you should only have them about me" We have been broken up for almost a year now I could be dating someone else so that was really weird too to hear him say that. It like he wasn't ready but he was the one who ended the relationship. I was dished a whole lot of confusion and I don't know how to handle it.

Weekly Winners March 1-6

First time doing this and all the pictures are really from the 6th.

Climbing High


Yay! Presents


Sandcastle Building


A Boy's Way of Fun


Can't Ever get it Right