Sunday Selections 7

Wedding bells were in the air this week as KIM's, the wonderful woman who hosts this meme, daughter Veronica got engaged. So I chose to share pics from my brother very simple wedding(a justice of the peace in a hotel conference room in Maryland). He got married on April 4th and this April two days before my nephew, his son, turns 5 months old will be his 2 year wedding anniversary. I know they wasted no time.

Lonely

So just for warn everyone this may get a bit dark. I been thinking a lot and I think I can finally write them down.

I've been alone for a while now. My ex and I broke up over a year ago and I cut him out of my life this past September. And that was a good thing it really was. It had to be done or I would still be in and out of this big dark cycle that had been controlling me for the past year. Did you know that even through we were done over a year ago I never really started dating again, looking back I know that is because I hoped we would get back together even though I knew that it would never happen I hoped, which I think is why pretty much as soon as I knew that he had moved back to Austin I cut him out, it took all of a few half asses conversation for me to just say fuck it this is going nowhere and never will I don't want to even talk to you anymore. And you know what I haven't not a word to him since I sent that email back in September(refer to second link I don't feel like linking that post again). And I do feel good about that. I really do.

However it doesn't keep me from thinking about him, wishing could have happened differently. I know it doesn't matter and I can't change anything but still. We had sex back in May before I knew he was moving back probably before he knew he was moving back and well even with having been on the pill for a year and a half I still freaked about the possibility of being pregnant, I know next to impossible, but still I think part of me wanted to be so that he would most likely be in my life forever, having come to my senses I know that would have been a horrible mistake. (Though side note, my BC is awesome after being on it for seven month(a new one the old made me really bitchy) it has taken away that evil monthly visitor, well at least for this past month, and no I have had no sex since May, my BC is just awesome.) Anyways back to the real post. Knowing that would have been the worst mistake of my life I am glad it didn't happen.

And really you what led to this post, well that would be my obsession with Hulu, which to be honest is mostly used to catch up on shows that I miss because I don't get home from work till 8pm but still it's an obsession on my days off. Anyways I was watching the Desperate Housewives that I missed and it showed and ad for a show that had been canceled but that they had all the episodes to watch, so after I finished with Desperate Housewives I went to watch it, the show was Lipstick Jungle and you know it's good, I have now watched all 20 episodes and was happy with it kinda wish I had been watching when it was on TV, though it would have most likely still been canceled, anyways it's about three high powered women living in New York, they also happen to be best friends, and from watching it I realized my friends still suck, which I really only have one friend from high school that I still talk to and I was so out of it the one year I did spend at UT that I never made any friends, it all my fault but still never really made any friends. So really I have no friends. My friend from high school is an over achiever that has like no time to do stuff and I work so much and have school stuff to get done that I am no better than her at trying to find time to hang, plus it's not like I can make new friends through school it's all on the computer and my classmates generally don't even live in the same state. I need to get out more and just don't.

I guess I feel broken most of the time. I don't want to go out by myself but then don't have anyone to go out with. I have mostly only talked to family and my employer for the last year, and I know it's sad but hey that's my life right now.

I did find my ex on the net but I don't think I want to do that again, at least not right now, and I know that having a guy in my life doesn't fix everything but it is something I want. My brother wants me to meet someone when I go visit him over Thanksgiving, I really hope things go good, but I'm not holding my breath, I don't feel like suffocating, which is not me saying I don't think things will go well just that he told my mother not me and well we don't talk very much but if it was really something you would think the would tell me directly and not through my mother, but hey I could be over thinking this I do tend to over think things. I don't I guess I'll just have to wait and see, a little over a week and counting and I'll know. But hey if it doesn't go well or is not the set up I'm thinking it is I will come home and put myself out there again, I really will start dating again.

Ok I think that is it for the darkness.

Sorry no baby pics yet they have not been posted on fb and that is the only way I can get them at least until I go there.

Why is this happening

Why is life going this way?
Why was he all I could think about for the last few weeks?
Why is he back?
Why is all this happening?
Over a year has past
It's been over a year
He's been in and out of my life
In and out
In and out
I don't know how much more of this I can take
But life goes on and I have to deal with this
I have to deal with all of it
I have to deal with it all
I have to keep going and I have to talk
To him
To people
To myself
I have to talk about it.

Bad Habits and Other Things

I have had some very bad habits as of late. I have wanted to post for a while but have kept pitting it off. I have had stuff to post but just couldn't get myself to post. I think part of it is because I have been pretty busy but for me that is no excuse since I do sit in front of my computer for hours a day if it be on facebook or hulu watching TV shows I missed, if I have time to do that I have time to post on here. But still I procrastinate on posting.

A lot has been going on. My cousin is getting married in less then a month and I went to her bridal shower last Sunday. It was fun. It did not serve its intended purpose though. My cousin had not wanted her mother or my mother there so that I could get to know some people so that I would not only know family at her wedding, well here mother cried and ended up going which meant my mother had to go for language control on my aunt, see my cousin who just turned 22 is marring a man who I believe is 50 I'm not positive on his age I just know he is closer to my dad's age then mine. Well the rest of the family can clearly see that she loves him and even though we worry about her know that she has made the choice and is happy with it. So we leave it at that. I got to go shopping with her to get dresses for the wedding and the rehearsal and that was fun other then the shoes I was wearing killed my left heal, but got new ones and I'm all set for the wedding.

I have a baby shower to go to today. A co-worker is due in April and so it is that time. She is my age and there was a lot of stress and drama in the beginning but now everyone has accepted it and are ready to welcome Makayla, but since it is the director's son's girlfriend that is due I'm sure you can see why there was drama. Both parents work at the center. It should be fun.

Now this part is what I've really been debating about posting. I use to post most things about this but I was unsure for a while now weather I should. I finally deiced that I would. It does however show another bad habit. You all know my ex disappeared and then ended up moving to Japan, well he has visited Austin quite often since then. First time I knew about was the July after when I was still in a deep dark depression. Then he came to Oklahoma/Austin for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He came for a few weeks in January. And he just recently has come for SXSW. Well while he was here for that long two month span we hung out once. It was at his place there was drinking involved we did stuff we shouldn't and I had been confused about it ever since. I tried to talk to him about what happen but that didn't help and I pretty much just left it. I didn't email or text him and I had no plan to do so anytime in the future. Well he texted me the weekend of my cousin's shower. It was Saturday morning I had nothing to do. At first it was just this and that about him being stranded the night before but then he invited me over to hang. It was early but I didn't have any else to do so I went. It stated off all innocent. I sat on one side of the couch he sat on the other we caught up on what was happening in each others lives as we semi watched TV. Then we decided to watch a movie. I went and picked Zombieland. Once the movie was in he pulled me onto his lap, well since he was laying down I was really just laying on top of him. Well we watched the movie, during it he playfully fake but my neck, but he did kiss me at some point during it and there was some inappropriate touching on his part. Well after the movie stuff happened that probably shouldn't have and even though I knew I should be stopping it I didn't. After this happening twice, once in December and once a week ago I can see it happening every time that I see him as long as I'm not with someone else. It is a bad habit that I really should not get caught up in. But he still makes me feel good when I'm with him and some of the things he say are confusing as hell. We were talking about how I had gotten hot as in I felt overly warm the last time I had seen him since I was really drunk at the time, well he then said 'you're always hot' which is a nice compliment but it confuses things, now not saying that I don't still find him attractive I do and always will but I never verbalize and he does. Then I was telling him how my cat woke me up during a dream that I did not want to be woken form because it was a dirty dream and a very good one, he asked if it was about him and when I said no he asked 'why are you having dirty dreams about other people you should only have them about me" We have been broken up for almost a year now I could be dating someone else so that was really weird too to hear him say that. It like he wasn't ready but he was the one who ended the relationship. I was dished a whole lot of confusion and I don't know how to handle it.

FREAKING OUT!!!

I just got a text from Jon not to long ago which means he is in the USA but what it really means is that he is here in Texas about a 20 minute drive from me. I am FREAKING OUT, to say the least. I know that if I see him while he is here which I'm pretty sure I will it will be for lunch or something and be as a friends only thing and a way for me to a real goodbye and as much as my brain knows this my heart won't give up the hope that it holds onto. I know rationally and in my brain that as long as Jon lives in Japan there is no way for us to work and since he is there indefinitely as far as I know it means I need to more on. But good god is that hard, I mean I still have feelings for him and care about him and I want him to be happy which he seems to be in Japan so I am truly happy for him, but I hurt, and I hurt a lot. It's hard not to cry when I think about him good memory or bad. At first there were just tears and they would last a while now there are sobs but I can cut it off easier. This is hard, I want to see him so much, just being able to see him again would make me so happy, but knowing that it means different things for him hurts, knowing that it will be most likely the last time I see him hurts, knowing I will only get IM convos after this hurts. I am sick of hurt but willing to bring it on to see him again. Part of me wishes and hopes that he will see me and remember how he felt and how much he really missed me, but I have to keep that part quite and not think like that cause it will only hurt me more in the end.I wish things were different but know that they can't be. Just talking to him through texts from his old TEXAS number hurts showing how fast his whole move was he never changed his number. I wish it could be like it use to be when I see him but I know it won't be, part of me knows I should not see him cause it is too soon but that part won't win I will see him, he asked me if I wanted to get together for lunch, that has to mean something. Part of me still thinks he cares and is hurting too hiding it from me like I hide most of my pain from him but I can't think that way cause I'm not in his mind and I'm already putting myself in for enough hurt. I ave no clue how this will turn out I can only hope that it doesn't send me too far back in the healing process.

And Life Goes On

Life goes on. After all that has happened life goes on. I am in such a weird place right now. I am very confused, even though I have accepted that Jon and I are over I can only guess and assume to the reason. I can only think that it is because he has to be in Japan for a while and that is too hard for both of us, the time difference is to much, we would hardly get to talk. So I get that it is over, and for the most part I'm okay with that. It's hard I loved him, still love him, will always love him. He was my first real relationship and those feeling will never go away. Right now my heart and brain are torn do I move on right away have a rebound guy and continue with my life or just wait for a while. I guess I just got to go with my gut feeling. I can't put my life on hold forever but I don't know if I am ready to move on. I still think about Jon ever day, part of it is my wanting him and the feelings I have for him and part of it is wondering if he will answer my questions and tell me the real reason why he doesn't want to be with me. I deserve and I am willing to wait however long it takes him to answer. Life goes on and I must move with it. I am taking it one day at a time cause that is all I can handle. I will get through this, even though right now it seems very hard and long. I will get through this and truely move on with my life eventually.

Kids, Loss, and a Hermit Crab

So life has been crazy lately. I have no clue how to handle all the crap that is going on. A day after I first heard from Jon I bought a hermit crab. I don't know why I just wanted to so I did. I am having a hard time dealing with Jon's move to Japan and what it means for us. I can't get over losing him that way. We agreed not to break up when he moved to California for a reason but now that he is in Japan it is just too much, for both of us. I mean we could try but it is just not worth it. I still have questions for him that I want him to answer, it may take some time to get the answers but I'll wait as long as I need to for it. This is hard on me, and i really don't know how to deal.



I took Aidan again for an afternoon. We had fun at the park again and at a place called Jungle Java. He is such a ball of energy. I got sunburnt but he did not which is good. We watched people fish, played in the sand, on a playground, with a soccer ball. It was such a nice day after everything going on in my life it was a great way to not think about what was going on in my life.

So I think it's over

If Jon gets his way it is. Well at least for now. I going to keep trying and fighting as long as he will let me. I miss him so much, but it looks like he will be in Japan for a while and that he can't handle that distance and time difference so for now it looks like we are over. But I'm not ready to let go which I know is bad but I will try and keep hoping for a little longer.

Well I didn't seee this one coming

So I woke up this morning and did what I normally do, turn on my instant messenger to check my email and to my surprise I have a message waiting for me from can you guess, no no you can't it was from Jon. So many different emotions flooded me as I went to read it. it said...

i want to apologize about not being in touch with you, i've been stationed here in japan and life has been too crazy for me, i've lost two relatives and lots of work drama plus my japanese is so rusty and horrible that I can't really work too well here. i'm trying to get sent back to the US I've had lots of issues with customs here cause of the stuff i tried to bring over with me and my dog, yes i brought her with me. I'm sorry to have hurt you, please don't waste any more time on me I'm just not worth it right now.

That is the actual message. at first I was happy and ready to take the explanation and just move on with are relationship but then when I hit the last line, well I was mad and upset. I love him and he knows it how can he say he is not worth my time right now. I get that he is having a hard and crazy and confusing life right now and I wish I could be there for him and it hurts me that I can't.I had started to move on I had planed a vacation to help me now I have canceled it I will wait for him to get back to the US so we can really talk because that is what we need, we needed to talk before he left so we really need to talk now. It is not fair to either of us to end what we had because of this and I have told him that, I have no clue when he will get the message but I can only hope he will at least give me that. I have gone through so much in the last two months emotionally and this just adds so much to my confusion. I had even started to talk to other guys and now I hate myself for it. I regret so much right now, I was moving on and I think even though I am happy to know that for the most part he is okay I took two steps back. I miss him so much and he means so much to me that when I read that last line of his message when he doubted his own worth it made me want to fight harder for him. And I just looked at when he sent the message I wasn't even asleep my computer was just off that makes me even madder at myself I could have talked to him last night and I missed my chance. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens, I'm sick of waiting but I will wait until I have had my closure, no matter how this turns out in the end, both Jon and I deserve to be able to at least talk about it and all that has happened.

Thinking Clearly

I am really amazed with myself that i can think clearly and rationally while going through this, it is a weird out of body kinda thinking but hey at least it is more logical. I mean of course my action reflect little to mostly none of this thinking and it is only for brief periods of time, like last night when i was walking to my final i was like 'wow i was really out of it a moment ago when writing that depressive rant i know that those feeling are there and want to come through and by letting them i am probably helping myself more so might as well let it but wow i need to write some not so depressing thing soon', and then i did. I felt oddly rational last night, and i don't know why. I felt the need to explain my feeling more and really why should i , i know why i hurt so much and i am doing a really good job dealing with it, i mean my family has no clue how this is really hurting i am really good at the whole putting on a show most think i am just irritated and aggravated and pissed off at Jon for being a jerk, they don't know or realized that i still worry that i still hurt for him, they truly think i am over him and for a while i thought that too, i mean i was telling myself that, it will take me a really long time to get over Jon i think i really never will, but i am waiting for the point where it is not as hard for the point that i can start to sorta move on. i mean right now every time i try to more on it just hurts more, i regret it and feel guilty thinking about what he will say if he comes back when he comes back, so it makes moving on really really hard. I mean it is almost to a point that i wish he had just broken up with me when he moved, at least then there would have been closure, i have had no closure how can i truly move on, i don't see how that is possible, i almost feel that i am going to be stuck in this weird phase for a really long time or until he appears to give me closure, or even to fix everything again. I don't really know what it take i guess only time tell, for now i am just glad that even if I don't listen to myself all the time, i am at least thinking rationally sometime, my mind is clear of the confusion and i can see things clearly if only for a few moments.

So yeah I was a little Rash

I know I know two post same day again, but I wasn't really done with the first one, I had an exam to go take and on my way to said exam and before it started I had time to think, and I was hoping my other post would not have been commented on yet but hey this in a little bit of a response to the comment on it so it saves me from writing this twice. okay so that last post actually started as a poetic prose, that is what i writ if i am not writing a short story or novel, i use to be really good at poetry and was once published actually been published a couple times for poetry but the last two where more of the poetic prose you saw in a post earlier 'Blackness', anyways probably still good at it i just hate breaking things into verse so i go more paragraph format. So as i was typing my last post in a word document which i do not normally do it changed from just being a mash of emotions to a blog post that I felt I should share but to be honest even through i do feel that way a lot of the time I realized it is because it is summer, most people get depressed when it is cold and depressing outside but for me it happens well intensifies in the summer, why well best i can figure is because i have nothing to really distract me nothing that i really have to focus on, no learning to take the time and make that free time i have to think become a whole lot less, i kinda realized today that this is why it is really just hitting me now, I mean it has been two months since Jon disappeared and now is when I decide to break down, I mean i would have thought it would have happened sooner but before i had things like school and homework to distract me now yes I have my finals, well final now but i only really need the day of to study so until Saturday i have had totally free days, i had french today it is level 1 french and i took 4 years in high school no real need to study for today, so i have been reading, i enjoy reading and i have been reading the books that really got me into reading, the Twilight Saga, but with reading these books come reading about a very happy couple, which for me was not good, but i was thinking more helped me last year maybe will do the same this also thinking i was okay enough to read about that but I am not but i like the book to much not to read them all and i going for read them in four days which if i can finish Breaking Dawn sometime tonight then i will have successed in reading the Twilight Saga for my fourth time in four days which is a pretty cool thing. I was once in my life time suicidal I can't deny that I can't deny that those thought still don't cross my mind with all that is going on, I think about death a lot more when reading the Twilight Saga's and more now that I am almost nineteen the age the main character stops aging, oh how i wish that were really possible, but it will never make me make a rash decision to actually go through with it I could never i still see myself wanting more out of life then I have gotten in my almost 19 years, I want kids and a husband, it's not going to happen. No matter how out of it i get i could not do that to my little brother he needs me too much right now a reason i am not too upset that i have to move back home for a year because of this whole mess my life has become. I think i was being a little bit to dramatic earlier but hey what good writer isn't, I do appreciate the response it was helpful and just another reason to post so close together, I mean yes I am in a horrible situation right now and yes i am hurt and in pain but I want to try and publish Sleepless and I am not even close to finishing it so I will be around, I go through mood swings and I have been listening to Evanescence pretty much non stop because i can't really listen to happy music at the moment so i am more likely to let out the bad emotions but it is a good thing for me, having this blog to share my emotions even the bad is good for me, like I said in my last post I am very independent and it took me a very long time to tell my parents i was depressed they still don't even know the full extent i just don't want them to know, to worry, i don't need the worry, that is why this is helpful and my friend Jen because although i'm sure she worries about some of the things i tell her she is not going to show me that she is going to show me what i need and help me get through what ever it is that is going on at that time, it frustrates me right now that i haven't had a chance to really talk to her in a while I am going to have to fix that, i think it is part of the reason why i am writing more but the writing is sad and depressing and i haven't been able to really work on sleepless because it is an action pact sci-fi novel with a romantic twist built in and i just can't write about romance right now. I feel like Bella when Edward left her in New Moon but i didn't get a good bye and I am pretty sure my guy is not coming back so I can't look forward to the happy reunion that comes in the end of the book, but i don't live in a book so i really can't expect anything to happen, though i wish i could live in a book make life easier knowing it was all planed out, but i guess less fun, not knowing can be exciting but right now for me it sucks. I think i will be able to be myself a little better when i start to actually work for my parents, when i start the research and start having stuff to do everyday, plus being under the watch of my parents will at least help me keep control on how often and when i freak out and have a break down like i have had for the past couple days. I went out got some fresh air and was able to think more clearly, and again i am not saying my last post was just stress and an outburst i meant every word of it, it is just now as i think of it and the comment i got from it i felt i need to clear some things up and show that i can have some wicked mood swings into the deep dark depths of my depression, I should probably get some professional help and i may get to that it's just that whole independent thing again, I feel like to be myself i have to do it on my own even though rationally i know that that is ridicules that everybody need help sometimes and i should gets some if i feel like i need it. But i guess i am still in a wait and see phase, i want to give myself time and see how it helps. I don't know i am going to try my best to keep living life to the fullest and get over this hump, it will be a great thing to be able to put in a novel or something when i am in a better mood and over this, so i guess that is where i am really at hoping to get over this soon, though i will not push it i will let myself get over all the hurt and pain in the time that it needs.

Regret and Pain

Inside there is nothing, nothing at all only dark empty space. Alone in the dark that is what I am alone. There is no one, no one to help me, no one to save me. Darkness takes hold of everything. I am empty. I am dark. I am not me. I can’t make it through this, I can’t stand this. I have not many option in what lies ahead of me. As I see it I can either, stay and get over it, leave and get over it, or die. I can throw myself into work and forget about love all together, but how will that help, this is why I am leaving school, I need a break, time off from everything, but I have hit an age where I can’t have that, it is not allowed. I can just go living a day at a time but I am sick of that, I hate that the future that I was able to picture has vanished, it was there and now is gone again. I want that back but know that it won’t, no matter what I tell myself or what happens until he comes back to explain himself I will have pain. It will not go away, I have a hole, a really big hole and I cannot patch it myself, I don’t even think I have the will power in me to find someone to help me get over it. I just miss what I had so much, I want it back and I can’t have it, I can’t have that happiness back and it hurts. Every day that goes by another piece dies, another part of me goes black, I can’t stop it and part of me doesn’t want to, there is a part of me that wants to go all dark and black and just let go, just die. I am dying emotionally every day I don’t hear from him and I can actually feel me physically getting weaker like before I found him but worse because I know now what I have lost, before him I had no clue I didn’t know someone could or would see me that way, see me as their girlfriend and when it happened when he said those words it made me happy truly happy something I had not been since I was very young and innocent, and then it was all gone without warning and now the pain is so much that yes before it was physically affecting me but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now, now I feel like I am dying on the outside as well, like my body is giving up along with my heartbreak, I had never experienced love and now I have and losing it hurt, it hurts a lot. I can’t explain it truly you have to live through it and it is not something I would wish on anyone. But there are things I do know and can explain. I do know that my body is giving up, each day it hurts more, my chest, my arms, my legs my head, everything. At first I thought I was sick and for all I know I am but I know I hurt before I found him but not like this and when I found him I could ignore the hurt so well that it went away and then he left and now that I have truly excepted that the hurt the actually physical hurt has come back and ten times stronger, I use to be able to forget about it, even before him, but now every day I feel it and every day it gets worse. I know all I have done for the last few days is sit and read and maybe write now and again and so you would think I would feel less pain but no I feel more, that is how I figured out it was tied to him, how I knew it was because I had lost what I loved. If he comes back he is going to have a lot to explain and a lot to pick up after, I don’t even really know if there will be enough of me left to fix or if I will be too far gone, they say time heals all wounds but I don’t see it healing me, I have been hurt too much by him and by my own thinking and the lack of my own self worth, I was broken before he found me and he had all but fixed me I was so close to being whole and now I am worse off and I hate him for that and yet there is still a part of me and a big part of me that loves him still, I can’t explain why, it could be because there was no warning and he just disappeared, it could be because I know deep down that he is out there somewhere freaking out not being able to contact me, not being able to tell me what is going on with. There was nothing that explains his disappearance nothing at all no warning signs not a thing. It makes it harder to hate him and easier to hate myself for the message I have let and the things that I have done, even though everyone I know would not blame me for any of it I don’t even think he would blame me for any of it, yet here I am hating myself wanting everything to go back three months and take back those words I told him, take back saying ‘I love you’ take it back and see how it changes this whole mess, hoping that it would be better now, hoping he would still be in my life, but I can’t go back, I can’t change a thing I have to live with my choices. I have to live with the guilt and the shame and the hate and the regret. I have to live with it all, live with the pain, and the hurt, and the loss, I have to live with everything. I made my choices and I will live with them. It is all I can really do for now, there are still people that need me, my little brother most of all, my parents, my older brother and his new wife, I still have people counting on me to go through life, Jen and Aidan, they still need me and I guess there part of me still needs them too, I hate to rely on people it is part of what is making this so hard for me I have never felt like I have needed someone the way I needed Jon, the way I still need him. I need his arms around me to help me hold myself together to help me through this and he is not here, he will never be here again as far as I know and I need him so much more then I have ever felt like I have needed him before, and I still don’t get it, I am so independent that I don’t get why I need him so much why I feel I need the unconditional love that little Aidan gives me, why I need the disjointed love or whatever it was that Jon gave me, why I still crave for him to give me that, for why I still want him and wish for him to tell me that he loves me too, for why still although it has been two month I can’t move on and every time I try I just regret it more and hate myself more, how I read one of my favorite book series and wish I was back with Jon wish that I could have the love that the two main characters feel, hoping that like last year when I was in the depths of depression it would distract me and save me but see how it is doing the opposite but still can’t stop reading it, knowing that it is doing more harm than good but not caring not giving a shit what it is doing to me emotionally. I have to keep living that is all I really know, that and that there is a part of me that as my physical state weakens and my emotions continue to run amuck, a part that gets stronger as I get weaker that is ready to just give up and I almost feel that it will win, I am running out of strength and I can only hold on for so much longer, I need another savoir and I don’t want to look anymore, I want the original to come back and I have very little hope left of that happening, so I will just have to continue to push myself and fight that part for as long as I can, hoping that one day I will be able to hope that I will make it through this and that I will one day be able to put it behind me, but for now that is nowhere in sight and I just have to keep fighting as long as I can, as long as my body will last.

Emptyness

I am dreaming of a better place, of a better time, of a better me. I am drifting through this world, through the good, through the bad, through the neutral. I see all, but feel nothing. I hear all, but can’t speak a word. My life has become a blur and nothing seems to matter. I lost my love and can’t seem to forget him. I don’t want him to go away, I want him back, I want him to be mine, and I just plain want him. I hate him for disappearing, and I hate him for leaving, and right now I just plain hate him, but I want him back so much. I am finding it really hard to live without know where he is or if he is okay. I have no distraction; there is nothing to distract me from this. No one can take the hurt away. I need him back, I want him back. I hate myself for trying to move on, I can’t really move on; no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to let him go, to let my feeling for him go. I’ve tried so hard to move on but I just can’t; I can’t get over this, I can’t move on. I feel myself being pulled into a dark place, a place that I know, a place that I don’t want to go back to, a place that he brought me out of, a place that he is sending me back to, a place that is horrible, a place that will one day be the death of me. I want to move on, I want to get over this, I want to live again, I want so much. I just can’t seem to find the happiness I once had, the happiness that not so long ago was with, the happiness that I had not had for long. I am giving up on everything for now, I just can’t take anymore hurt, anymore pain. I am letting the darkness take control, I am letting the hurt and pain control, I am letting it all just take me away.

Almost Done

With less then a week left of class and only two finals I am feeling good that this school year is almost over. I have had my personal drama and what not but the actual first year of college is so close to being over. I have decent grades in most of my classes and the few i don't I have opportunity to bring them up. I am ready to be done for a year. I am ready for my break. I am ready to get to work on building my financial freedom and success. I have two weeks left in my dorm and then it will be back to my parents, which I would normally not be excited about but with the circumstance I'm in I actually ok with it, I mean I get to work and make money and they will not make me pay rent or for food, I get to save the money I make for when I move out to Arizona and I will still be making money when I move and not have a "real job" I get to focus on studying and fun. My life is working out even though just a few short weeks ago I thought it would not. I mean I still miss Jon and no matter how hard I try to keep him off my mind it doesn't seem to work, but I'm working on it and it will take time to get over, I loved him, still love him and that is not something that just goes away. I am trying to see other people to help with that but it's hard to know what I want with things ending but not really ending, I kinda feel like I am cheating on him even though he is no longer part of my life, for all I know he is stuck somewhere that has no contact to the outside world worrying what I think has happened to him, but then he could just be being a jerk, i don't know and that is the problem. Oh well everything will work it's self out eventually.

So that is it for now, school almost over and trying really hard to move on with my love life.
Aidan's Day to come soon.

So

So I had to break things off with Jon temporally because he still has not contacted me, it was hard for me to do, and when he does reappear i will think of weather or not to let him back in, right now he does not exist to me, he is not part of my life.

Lets try this again

Okay So I left Friday afternoon with my family for Maryland to go see my brothers wedding. We had to changes planes in Nashville and we ended up two gates away from our next plane. We got to Maryland at about midnight and got to the hotel and pretty much went right to sleep.

Day 2 was the day of the wedding. We just relaxed and laid around waiting for the wedding to begin. At 2:00 the JP arrived my brother and his soon to be wife finished the paper work and then we had the wedding. It was short and simple but very nice. We then went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant and went back to the hotel before going to a really good ice cream place. Then it was back to the hotel and in to bed.

Day 3 we hung out at the hotel until some friends of my parents showed up and then we visited with them went out to dinner and then got back and talked some more and my mother myself my new sister in law and her mother then stayed up talking until 2am. Then it was off to bed.

Day 4 we relaxed at the hotel until we went to eat lunch and then it was back to the airport to head back to Texas. Many hours later we arrived back it Texas at 10:30pm and then it took a good couple hours to finally get home and into bed.

I think this was better then the last but I still feel that it was short.

Marriage

So my brother is officially married. Saturday was the day. April 4th is his and his new wife's anniversary. However they will be having several other ceremonies for the family and friends that were not allowed at this one. At least three. I will have to go to all three and any others they decide to have.

This one was nice very simple and quick. I got to spend a lot of time with my new sister-in-law, we get along very well.

i had more to say about this weekend but I am way too tired to think so when I get more sleep I will try again.

I don't Know What to Do

So Jon has been in Asia for the past month and the last I heard from him was on March 20th that he was still out of the country and had a big day the next day, then he went to bed, it was 11pm-ish there so it made sense but I got no info on why it was a big day. i think he is still out of the country but not sure where or even if he really is I can only assume because when I call his phone does the same thing it did when he was first in China. But I am still stressing out and I don't want to, I have so much going on with school and I just can't take the additional stress of not knowing where he is and if he is okay, but he must be okay if he wasn't I would have heard, because you always hear the bad news. But it is still so hard I don't know if it is because of the way he left or because he was in California for TWO days, yeah only TWO days before leaving the country and me not being able to get a hold of him. I get he works for a big international company and it makes sense that he be out of the country promoting a game for six weeks which would be this week, this week makes six weeks out of the country, but out of the times that I have talked to him on the 14th they were done with the promoting and were spending a week in Japan to visit well it is going on the second week since then so he should be back unless things changed, which they must have. But I have no clue what to do, I have no clue how to feel, I have no clue anymore. I need help, I need to talk to people, but I want to talk to Jon and I need to talk to Jon, and right now that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. My life sucks ass right now and I want it to stop and be over with.

Spring Break

My spring break was okay. I took my little brother and some of his friends to Six Flags and we had a really fun time. Other then that I pretty much sat around and did nothing.

Jon should be back in California any day now so I should be able to talk to him soon. I have to talk to him about me going out there this summer for a bit and then about my move out there. Stuff has happened here in Texas that I want his opinion on.

That is pretty much it, but mostly cause I am very tired and stressed right now.

Happy St. Patricks Day

So I am quite Irish so St. Patrick's Day has always been a pretty big deal for my family. We always have corn beef and cabbage. It is a big thing at my grandparents house. This year I was at first going to invite Jon, and it would have just been my parents and my little brother, I would not put Jon meeting the extended part of my family yet. But then he was moving and it is my spring break so I was going too go visit Jon in California for the week and not really do anything for St. Patrick's day unless Jon was doing something. But then he went to China and I believe he is still in Japan, so no I stayed in Texas, and will be having corn beef and cabbage tonight with my family. It's not a bad thing I love corn beef and cabbage and because of my parents view on alcohol I will get to drink if I want and if we have it, not sure if we will have it because well I really don't know why it is St. Patrick's day so I am sure there will be some from of alcohol, I mean according to the stereotype of Irish is that they get drunk all the time. But I think the real purpose of this post other then to say Happy St. Patrick's Day is to show how much one day, one plan can change. I have been dealing with so much change and in so little time and I have had very little control over it, I think that is a big reason of why I am transferring schools, that is change I control, that is something that will get me closer to someone I want to be with and get my relationship back to being how it was before he moved. I hope Jon is traveling today because he dose not believe in eating on this day, at least I think he was joking, hopefully, but still the sooner he gets back to California the sooner I can talk to him. This is a holiday that I feel close to because of my heritage so again I wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick's Day.


It is also my my aunt Jean's Birthday, she is my godmother and is always so happy when I talk to her. She fell off a horse when I was five and has major brain damage, she lives with my grandparents and is much like a middle school girl, she can't work and I don't remember her in any other way. She had a husband but the sad part about brain trauma is that it is hard on the loved ones, and they did not last much past that first year. But again this is her Birthday and she will be and is probably very excited about that fact.