Kids, Loss, and a Hermit Crab

So life has been crazy lately. I have no clue how to handle all the crap that is going on. A day after I first heard from Jon I bought a hermit crab. I don't know why I just wanted to so I did. I am having a hard time dealing with Jon's move to Japan and what it means for us. I can't get over losing him that way. We agreed not to break up when he moved to California for a reason but now that he is in Japan it is just too much, for both of us. I mean we could try but it is just not worth it. I still have questions for him that I want him to answer, it may take some time to get the answers but I'll wait as long as I need to for it. This is hard on me, and i really don't know how to deal.



I took Aidan again for an afternoon. We had fun at the park again and at a place called Jungle Java. He is such a ball of energy. I got sunburnt but he did not which is good. We watched people fish, played in the sand, on a playground, with a soccer ball. It was such a nice day after everything going on in my life it was a great way to not think about what was going on in my life.

So I think it's over

If Jon gets his way it is. Well at least for now. I going to keep trying and fighting as long as he will let me. I miss him so much, but it looks like he will be in Japan for a while and that he can't handle that distance and time difference so for now it looks like we are over. But I'm not ready to let go which I know is bad but I will try and keep hoping for a little longer.

I don't Know What to Do

So Jon has been in Asia for the past month and the last I heard from him was on March 20th that he was still out of the country and had a big day the next day, then he went to bed, it was 11pm-ish there so it made sense but I got no info on why it was a big day. i think he is still out of the country but not sure where or even if he really is I can only assume because when I call his phone does the same thing it did when he was first in China. But I am still stressing out and I don't want to, I have so much going on with school and I just can't take the additional stress of not knowing where he is and if he is okay, but he must be okay if he wasn't I would have heard, because you always hear the bad news. But it is still so hard I don't know if it is because of the way he left or because he was in California for TWO days, yeah only TWO days before leaving the country and me not being able to get a hold of him. I get he works for a big international company and it makes sense that he be out of the country promoting a game for six weeks which would be this week, this week makes six weeks out of the country, but out of the times that I have talked to him on the 14th they were done with the promoting and were spending a week in Japan to visit well it is going on the second week since then so he should be back unless things changed, which they must have. But I have no clue what to do, I have no clue how to feel, I have no clue anymore. I need help, I need to talk to people, but I want to talk to Jon and I need to talk to Jon, and right now that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. My life sucks ass right now and I want it to stop and be over with.

Spring Break

My spring break was okay. I took my little brother and some of his friends to Six Flags and we had a really fun time. Other then that I pretty much sat around and did nothing.

Jon should be back in California any day now so I should be able to talk to him soon. I have to talk to him about me going out there this summer for a bit and then about my move out there. Stuff has happened here in Texas that I want his opinion on.

That is pretty much it, but mostly cause I am very tired and stressed right now.

Japan now

Jon is now in Japan and will be there for about another week. They are done with whatever it was they were doing but now are just visiting Japan. I'm actually kinda of jealous I want to go to Japan one day and he loves it there. I think he is just excited that in the few weeks for working for EA that he gets to travel, I think this is his first time out of the US but I'm not sure will have to ask the next time I talk to him. I really just can't wait till I can talk to him on the phone again.

My little brothers birthday was on the 10th he turned 11 it was also Aidan's birthday he turned 3. I got Aidan a toy set of dinosaurs and nothing yet for my brother but three year olds are way easier to shop for. We are going out to dinner tonight for my little brother and I will be taking him to Six Flags on Wednesday.

I have this whole week off work and I am so looking forward to just be able to relax.

My older brother is getting married in April meaning I get to go to Maryland. I think it is so he can get his fiancee pregnant which is totally up to them, but he is still in training for another 12 weeks and they wont be able to be together.

My older cousin is allso getting married next year though. She is 21 and he is 48. I know I am dating someone older then me but only 6 years not over 20. I find it gross but I will be happy for her, if this is what she wants and will make her happy then she can have it.

Can't Think of a Better Title

Life has been dull. I miss Jon so much and really just want to feel his arms around me. I am going to be working with my parents for the next couple months so that when I move to California most likely in November I won't have to find a job and just focus on school. My tattoo is healed for the most part. I still have not made it to the doctor and I really need to do. I am so tired and still have not been able to get a decent night sleep. I don't have anything else to say. My life right now is one big ball of Dull.

China of all Places

So last Tuesday the last thing I heard from Jon is I'm going to get drunk. He is in California has been for almost two weeks. Well I needed to talk to him so I told him I would call him later, I had told him to call before that and someone who had the same phone picked it up and texted me back and it was confusing and when everything got worked out the last thing I hear from him is he is going to get drunk. Well I call him before I go to bed to tell him on his voice mail that I will call him the next day to talk. So the next day Wednesday I text him and then nothing. And then the same on Thursday and nothing, and then Friday nothing, and the same Saturday and again on Sunday by Friday I was freaked. I had no clue if he was dead alive ok not ok. I even said I would call his mom if I did not hear from him by tomorrow, and then the cosmos came to my aid and he was on yahoo when I got back from class today. Relief swept over and I hung up the phone with my mother to talk to him. He told me he was in China, China of all places. So I ask him why he is in China, well of course it was for work and it must have been on Wednesday cause that was the day I lost contact. He was asked if he was still packed from moving, and since he is living on someones couch of course he is still packed, he said yes and was handed a ticket to China to go promote a game. Well his phone doesn't work over there so he has gotten none of my calls or texts and when I told him I was going to call his mom he freaked. He is happy and healthy and having a good time in China and I am no long in a state of stress and worry. It was 4:30am tomorrow there and it was the first time he got to use a computer for non work purposes and I could not be happier, cause I did not want to call his mother and I wanted him to be ok. So my week of stress is over and things are good. But how random was his trip to China? I mean like bam he is in China. This is going to be a crazy new life. I am going to talk to my adviser tomorrow to talk about transferring and the best way to do that. I never saw my life going this way but I couldn't be happier that my life is going this way.

Well life is just blah

Jon left Wednesday night for California. He will be back to get some more stuff but for the most part he is gone. I am going to visit him for my spring break but that is not until March 15th, such a long way away. But funny thing is he got stopped by a cop and then when I asked him where he was he had no clue what state he was in I think he was in New Mexico because he was out of Texas but very little chance of being in Arizona but he did get stopped for speeding so I never know, when I call tomorrow at 2:30pmish and he's already in California I will have to say he was in Arizona. This has been hard for me though, I am proud that I haven't cried since the night he left but I know it's gonna happen again eventually.

I'm looking at schools in Arizona and California, more California but being in AZ would be better then being in Texas, I could drive to see him on weekends. Really I'm only looking at ASU (Arizona State University) and SJSU (San Jose State University), SJSU more because it is in the city that Jon will be living in but I have to do it for me, Jon doesn't want me to move for him, so I am moving for school and he is a bonus. I've been looking at SJSU and I think I will like it way better then UT. I will end up taking a semester off but I think that will really do me some good, I'm so sick of school right now that I think if I don't take a break I will end up not finishing and I would rather finish a semester later then not at all.

I've written more in my novel not very much but I just don't have the time anymore. I will get to it and it will be better for me being ready in not in the state of slight writers block I have right now.

I just realized..

That I haven't thought about my novel in over a month. It is sad. I know it is because of of the stuff going on with Jon but still I need/want to get back to my writing. And that is what I am going to do while Jon is away this week and then when he is there permanently. I am going to get back to the main reason I started this blog to share bits and pieces of my novel and to encourage myself to keep writing. I think it will be helpful. I mean I was stuck, I had come to the part where I needed to build the romantic relationship between the two main characters but had no romantic experience myself, now going through all that I have been through in the last three month I should be able to get at least a bit more out. And I just realized a good thing for me going out to Cali with Jon my novel is based in AZ but Emma is from Cali and will end up back there to face the evil Lord Banner, so me knowing the state a little better will be a help for my writing. I lived in AZ for two years and was just there last summer visiting a friend. So I know AZ quite well, I miss AZ so much actually, the weather the environment I just miss it. I was so happy there and didn't even realize it until I left, I was 12 and so excited to be going back to my home in Texas that I didn't realize how much i loved AZ and my life there. That is why my novel is set in AZ, because I miss it so much, writing about it helps me relive it, though I lived in Phoenix not Tucson I just couldn't set my novel in Phoenix that would have been to much. When I saw Twilight and the beginning was in Phoenix and I recognized the streets and the city it was a very happy sad moment. It is a little thing, but writing makes me happy and distracts me from what is going on in the real world so getting back to it will be a big help. I really can't believe I let it slip so far away from me, I don't even carry the spiral I'm writing it in around with me anymore. I must get back to my writing and I will do it.

And Nothing is new

Jon is right now sitting in an airport waiting to go to California. HE WILL BE BACK SATURDAY. I am very happy about that but not till like 10pm and it is Valentines day and not that I ever or ever really will care about that holiday I do want to at least spend the day with him, I am thinking that I will go over that night and just spend all of Sunday with him. I asked that weekend off a while ago thinking that I may have to go to California myself that weekend but it looks like he won't be really moving until the beginning of March, which makes me question if I will go out for Spring Break, I mean if he just moved out there he will be so busy that it might be better to save my money and go out there some other time. He is pretty much healed from his wisdom teeth drama I would know was there last night when he took his meds in the wrong order and got sick and then this morning when we both did want to get out of bed, I have class at 8 every morning and I had a quiz in that class so didn't go this morning was to busy not getting out of bed. I mean we hadn't seen each other in over a week and it will be another week before we see each other again cause of his trip to California and well he woke up showed me why he didn't want to get out of bed so how could I have said no, I mean he is so hard to say no to and with the whole in love with him thing it doesn't help that much. Which by the way was still to chicken to tell him, I came close but still nope, I am tempted to text him but he is probably on the plane and couldn't answer and I would drive myself crazy trying to think of how he will respond so I will wait until hr gets back or tell him over the phone sometime this next week. In my own defense I came very close I whispered it but not very loudly not even loud enough for him to question what I was saying. Oh well I got some time. I guess that is it for now.

I'm a Jerk Face

So Jon is most likely moving next weekend. I know so depressing. He originally said it was just a trip out to Cali for company orientation but that if he can just stay he will. This means we have one week, not even really, more like five nights left to spend time with each other. I know I know you must be thinking what about this weekend with this weekend you really do have a week, and if I could see him this weekend I would agree, however he got his wisdom teeth removed yesterday, all four, and is pretty much in a constant sleep. He was up yesterday around 7:30pm after them being removed at 8:45 that morning, and just to eat something give me a quick text back from the one I sent earlier and to go back to sleep. He is staying at his parents why he recovers, and well since neither of us are ready for the meet the parents, my parents on the other hand are all for meeting him, I'm not going over there, plus although I know they live around the corner from Jon's place I have no clue where they live. Plus the whole me working till 11 tonight and having to be at work at 9am tomorrow I would have to be with him now to get anytime with him today. And if I knew that he would feel pretty much back to normal tomorrow when I get off work at 5:30pm I would go see him but that is not known so really we have Monday-Friday night after he gets off work well Tuesday after I get off work. It sucks cause I am pretty sure I wont get to see him everyday next week, life will come up and force us apart for a night.

This past week I had seen him Sunday after getting back from San Antonio, Monday night, not Tuesday cause he was spending time with his family, Wednesdays for like two hours because he was being nice and going to help some friends with their computers and he was going really far up north and was going to crash at one of the friends places, not Thursday because his stupid boss made him do all this paperwork before he could go get the prescriptions he needed for his teeth removal and he didn't leave work till almost 8:30 got to the pharmacy just in time went to his parents ate dinner and crashed, and of course not yesterday because of the whole tooth removal he was totally out of it. My week sucked.

So why am I a Jerk Face? Well Wednesday when he was going to help his friend I had no clue that it was that far north and at first was going to go with him, but once he told me that he would most likely be crashing up there it made no sense for me to go, I have class at 8 every morning and I have to leave his place at the latest at 7:20 or i would be late for class, so going with him we would have had to leave at like 6am to get to his place to get my car so I could go back to campus, it just made no sense. But I was upset and angry at him at his friends, I hadn't gotten to see him the night before and I had only been there for like 2 hours when he went to help his friend. When he said it would be better for me to just go back to my dorm I got so pissed that I walked past him and just headed to my car but he knew I was upset and intercepted me before I got to my car. He was trying to make me feel better, he doesn't like to see me upset and he was the reason I was upset. So he had his arms around me trying to get me to stop crying and explain a little more and try to find out why it upset me so much, I know why it upsets me so much to have to leave him especially when we could spend more time together but I'm to chicken to tell him I'm getting there I am going to tell him before he leaves but I'm still scared of his reaction and if it will hurt me, well of course I give stupid reasons like it was a waste of gas and that had I known he was going to leave and we would have to separate that I wouldn't have come at all, I mean he can see how upset I am he even wiped a tear from my eye, it was cold out he didn't want my face wet and even colder with my whacked up body temp, and told me that he was all mine the next day, we kissed and I went to my car, I still cried all the way home, I was still upset, I guess in the back of my mind didn't believe him. Well that was the correct thing to do, not believe him, he was out driving for work at about 3:30pm and when I texted him at 5pm asking if he was going home he said he would be soon, that he just had some paperwork to go through when he got back to the office and then he would be done. Well at about 5:30ish he texted me letting me know he was going to his parents for dinner and to crash, his mom was his ride in the morning and it was just easier. Well at first I thought that meant i wasn't going to get to see, I asked why he couldn't just go over in the morning, he want the simplicity of just waking up and going plus the free home cooked meal, we continued to discuss and when I realized he was still trying to see me I called, the text he sent was hard to read I got the basics of it but i wanted to verify. We talked on the phone for a bit and he explained that he was crabby and tired and hungry and still had work to do cause a co-worker dumped work on him and his boss wanted it done that night cause he wouldn't be there the next day and I could tell he was angry and I explained that I had forgotten that he had said he was staying at his parents the night before his teeth removal and it was pretty much good, he said he would text when he was leaving. I thought it would take him about an hour to finish when he hadn't texted I text him when he still didn't respond I called it was about 7:30, he said he still had a half hour of work left and that he had to get his prescriptions and that he would be cutting it close to the pharmacy closing and that he was just going to go to his parents eat and going to bed. I freaked out. I was starting to cry and had stopped making noise in the phone so he just kept saying 'hello' so I hung up. When he didn't call me back, after I had stopped crying I called him back, he asked if we got disconnected I told him that I hung up, he asked why I explained. He questioned why I was so upset, I kinda told him then let him get back to work. at a little after nine I called again to see if he got his meds, he had. i then went into the explanation of why I felt like a jerk. I hate the friend that called for his help on Wednesday because they took Jon from me and I don't even know the person so I felt like a jerk. I hate his boss for making him do all that work when this is just extra time the Jon is giving to his work, his two weeks from his two weeks notice was up last Friday when I was in San Antonio and he is only still there so he doesn't cut his income off, EA don't start paying till he in Cali. But his boss was the one who gave him the opportunity to send his resume to EA and Sony and his boss helped him a lot and he feels some obligation to his boss, but his boss was still being a jerk Thursday and I still hate him for it and again I don't know the man and I'm being a jerk. I feel bad about hating people I don't know, but I feel worse that I lost time with Jon. We have such limited time together that I really hate to lose it. So even though I feel like a jerk for hating complete strangers I also feel like I have the right to. I mean they are keeping me from the man that I think I am falling in love with, yeah that is what I scared to tell Jon, that I think I am falling in love, that I love him. We are going on four months so it seems early but then again I can't control emotions like that, I could tell myself 'you're not in love you're not in love' over and over again but it wouldn't change anything. See that's why i feel I have the right to hate strangers they are keeping me from the guy I love who will in a very short time be taken away for a really long time, and don't I get to see the guy I love before he leaves, shouldn't I get as much time with him that I can work into my schedule and his, shouldn't I get to be with him the week before he leaves? Right now is such a confusing time, I hate and love my life at the same time. I don't know how to handle the stress and i am ready to give up on school and work. I know had I not meet Jon that I would be worse off right now, but with him moving I just got to experience depression, to happiness, to confusion, to sad in the span of five months and I can't take the emotional stress roller coaster anymore. I just want to be with him not matter what that does to my life.

...

I don't know what to post. My brother is in Maryland and is getting trained for public affairs. He has a 17&1/2 week program and then he will have about 25 days leave where he will get married have a honeymoon and move to what ever base he gets stationed at. He will be getting out of Tech school just as I finish up this semester. By then I will know if I am staying in Texas or moving to California. I realized that it will be about the time I get ready to register for classes that Jon and I will have to decide where we are taking our relationship. I don't like the stress and it has been really hard on me to know that Jon is leaving soon. I don't really know how to deal with any of this and I am not handling it well. i am trying to live one day at a time it it is a really hard thing to do when my brain is going 100 thoughts a minute and I just want it to stop.

EA wins

Sony came back saying that they could not match or do any better then what they had already offered so Jon is now a proud member of the EA Games family. We still have no clue when he is moving he is now waiting on more details.

I will be leaving for San Antonio in a little bit getting to see my brother for the first time in two months. Funny thing is he sent me a letter to my dorm but I had already moved back to my parents for the break and did not get it until yesterday, Jon says I fail. Which yes at checking my mail I do.

And that is it for now.