Addiction part 4

The latest addiction is Rugrats, O watched it as a kid and now I can watch it on Netflix. It is a nice thing to watch when recovering from teeth removal, comforting and reminds me of childhood. Okay I know these are normally longer but my mouth still hurts so this is all for now.

Peace.

The teeth are out

And my mouth fucking hurts. I hate that I can feel the pain, it sucks.

Remembering

I just got an email because I got a comment on a post I wrote over a year ago. It was written when I was in that deep dark place of not knowing where the hell my ex was and I forgot how good of a dark writer I am. I had to go back and read the piece because from the comment I could not remember what the post was and from reading man I gotta say I really like my dark depressing suicide writing. That and my other really dark pieces seem to be some of my best work, now my novel has me stuck, it does have a dark element to it but I am also trying to add a romance to it and that is giving me some trouble. I think it is because although I was happy with my last relationship it ended very badly and well looking back it wasn't much of a healthy relationship anyways so in the big picture I don't really know how a good relationship should form and how it should work without copying from others and I don't want that it is sad to say that I am inexperienced when it comes to relationships and I admit it is at my own hand but still it is hard for me to write what I don't know. I can write dark and depressing because that is what i have been living for the past few years, but a happy romance it just not working but it is not something I want to cut out. Which is why I am stuck with the novel, because I have to write start to finish and I am at the point where the relationship needs to build and get going I am at odds of what to have happen. I might try adding a darker spin on the romance but I'm not sure that that is what I want.

See I am in a better place then when I stopped writing my last try at a book based on a short story I had written but stopped that one because I took a wrong turn in the plot and had to set it aside to get the fantasy sci-fic out which is why I chose to write 'Sleepless: the story of the 24'. And being stuck on that one is leaving me in a weird place. I want to write and I want to work on Sleepless but I'm not sure how do move forward. I don't want to abandon another novel(not that I really did with the first it is just on hold) and I'm not going to. But I'm really stuck. Maybe I should write some dark prose and see if I can either but them in the novel or have it help me find the romance I need, because really even if I turn the love between Leo and Emma it to something dark it is still a romance and still adds to the story and it may just make it that much better of a novel. Then I will try to do a more normal romance with my first on which deserves to have happy/light/romantic/out of this world romance, Emma has to save the world from her evil father, while Izzy(Isabel) has a completely normal life in a small town nothing strange and weird happening there(plus it takes place way before the sleepless so even if it was the same world Izzy's world is years in the past). But anyways that book will come later and right now I am stuck trying to get Sleepless right. Well writing does take time.

Sadness

Today was a stressful day. A long day. A horrible day. A very very sad day.

It all started like normal. Wake up whenever because is was Sunday. Eat breakfast. Do some school work. Grandparents and Aunts came over, the normal Sunday.

Then all of a sudden I hear screaming and crying, and by then I was watching a movie on my computer. I go downstairs to see what is going on and I see pretty much the whole family leaving. I ask my little brother what is going on and he says that our dog attacked my aunt's dog. Now we keep them separated because we knew he is aggressive, but when my aunt was coming inside she didn't realize that our dog was there and he bolted out the dog and got a hold of her dog. She was dead minutes after he got her but they rushed her to the vet anyways.

I got this all when my grandparents came inside and then I proceeded to follow my parents up to bring my grandparent to be with my aunt. When we got there we knew she was dead and they were filling out the paper work to get her cremated.

We then had to go to a clinic for my aunt because we were pretty sure our dog had also broken her finger while she was trying to get him to let go of her dog.

Right now we are keeping my cat on even tighter lock down from the dog as he spends his last night with us. Tomorrow my parents are taking him to be put down. It is sad in many ways. One he killed my aunts dog. Two she didn't want us to put our dog down but we have to he killed another dog and hurt my aunt. Three he is only five. But he has to suffer the consequences for doing what he did. My little brother is so sad because it was more of his dog then anyone elses. My dad is upset that our dog did what he did. And everyone is sad about what happened. It was a hard day today. And it is going to be a hard couple of weeks.

I am posting twice because I had the other post in drafts for a few days as I was trying to give my blog a new style and while my computer was getting debugged.

What to Say, What to Say?

It's been a while since I posted, I was in Delaware visiting my brother and sister and law who I became very close to, and now I am working at my parents daycare center again and do not have much time to get on the interwebs much. I also have not been able to write much either, which irritates me, but I like to write from beginning to end and I'm at a point where I need to build the romantic relationship between the main character and her going to be lover but it is hard to do in my state of mind, I should have been writing it while I was with Jon but I was to preoccupied to at the time, so I either have to write another part or put it aside for a while, and I've decided to put it aside for a bit. When I have more time and I'm in a better state of mind I will pick it up again. It is still vividly in my head and I will get back to it and hopefully soon, I don't want to desert Emma and her world I just need time so I can be able to write the romantic mushy stuff without crying or breaking Emma's heart because that's not suppose to happen. I'll keep updating on here whenever something new happens, but for right now it is really time to get over my own personal heartbreak and truly move on with my life.

FREAKING OUT!!!

I just got a text from Jon not to long ago which means he is in the USA but what it really means is that he is here in Texas about a 20 minute drive from me. I am FREAKING OUT, to say the least. I know that if I see him while he is here which I'm pretty sure I will it will be for lunch or something and be as a friends only thing and a way for me to a real goodbye and as much as my brain knows this my heart won't give up the hope that it holds onto. I know rationally and in my brain that as long as Jon lives in Japan there is no way for us to work and since he is there indefinitely as far as I know it means I need to more on. But good god is that hard, I mean I still have feelings for him and care about him and I want him to be happy which he seems to be in Japan so I am truly happy for him, but I hurt, and I hurt a lot. It's hard not to cry when I think about him good memory or bad. At first there were just tears and they would last a while now there are sobs but I can cut it off easier. This is hard, I want to see him so much, just being able to see him again would make me so happy, but knowing that it means different things for him hurts, knowing that it will be most likely the last time I see him hurts, knowing I will only get IM convos after this hurts. I am sick of hurt but willing to bring it on to see him again. Part of me wishes and hopes that he will see me and remember how he felt and how much he really missed me, but I have to keep that part quite and not think like that cause it will only hurt me more in the end.I wish things were different but know that they can't be. Just talking to him through texts from his old TEXAS number hurts showing how fast his whole move was he never changed his number. I wish it could be like it use to be when I see him but I know it won't be, part of me knows I should not see him cause it is too soon but that part won't win I will see him, he asked me if I wanted to get together for lunch, that has to mean something. Part of me still thinks he cares and is hurting too hiding it from me like I hide most of my pain from him but I can't think that way cause I'm not in his mind and I'm already putting myself in for enough hurt. I ave no clue how this will turn out I can only hope that it doesn't send me too far back in the healing process.

Well Then

This month has been stressful and hard and haven't felt like writing either on my blog or my novel. I'm so tired and stressed and just don't want to deal with any thing. I am going to visit my bro in Delaware before I officially move and while I'm there we will be visiting our grandparents on my dad's side who we have not seen in 2 years. this should be an interesting trip. That is really all I can think to get out. Hopefully my brain will start working again soon and the writing juices will return.

So I think it's over

If Jon gets his way it is. Well at least for now. I going to keep trying and fighting as long as he will let me. I miss him so much, but it looks like he will be in Japan for a while and that he can't handle that distance and time difference so for now it looks like we are over. But I'm not ready to let go which I know is bad but I will try and keep hoping for a little longer.

Well I didn't seee this one coming

So I woke up this morning and did what I normally do, turn on my instant messenger to check my email and to my surprise I have a message waiting for me from can you guess, no no you can't it was from Jon. So many different emotions flooded me as I went to read it. it said...

i want to apologize about not being in touch with you, i've been stationed here in japan and life has been too crazy for me, i've lost two relatives and lots of work drama plus my japanese is so rusty and horrible that I can't really work too well here. i'm trying to get sent back to the US I've had lots of issues with customs here cause of the stuff i tried to bring over with me and my dog, yes i brought her with me. I'm sorry to have hurt you, please don't waste any more time on me I'm just not worth it right now.

That is the actual message. at first I was happy and ready to take the explanation and just move on with are relationship but then when I hit the last line, well I was mad and upset. I love him and he knows it how can he say he is not worth my time right now. I get that he is having a hard and crazy and confusing life right now and I wish I could be there for him and it hurts me that I can't.I had started to move on I had planed a vacation to help me now I have canceled it I will wait for him to get back to the US so we can really talk because that is what we need, we needed to talk before he left so we really need to talk now. It is not fair to either of us to end what we had because of this and I have told him that, I have no clue when he will get the message but I can only hope he will at least give me that. I have gone through so much in the last two months emotionally and this just adds so much to my confusion. I had even started to talk to other guys and now I hate myself for it. I regret so much right now, I was moving on and I think even though I am happy to know that for the most part he is okay I took two steps back. I miss him so much and he means so much to me that when I read that last line of his message when he doubted his own worth it made me want to fight harder for him. And I just looked at when he sent the message I wasn't even asleep my computer was just off that makes me even madder at myself I could have talked to him last night and I missed my chance. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens, I'm sick of waiting but I will wait until I have had my closure, no matter how this turns out in the end, both Jon and I deserve to be able to at least talk about it and all that has happened.

Thinking Clearly

I am really amazed with myself that i can think clearly and rationally while going through this, it is a weird out of body kinda thinking but hey at least it is more logical. I mean of course my action reflect little to mostly none of this thinking and it is only for brief periods of time, like last night when i was walking to my final i was like 'wow i was really out of it a moment ago when writing that depressive rant i know that those feeling are there and want to come through and by letting them i am probably helping myself more so might as well let it but wow i need to write some not so depressing thing soon', and then i did. I felt oddly rational last night, and i don't know why. I felt the need to explain my feeling more and really why should i , i know why i hurt so much and i am doing a really good job dealing with it, i mean my family has no clue how this is really hurting i am really good at the whole putting on a show most think i am just irritated and aggravated and pissed off at Jon for being a jerk, they don't know or realized that i still worry that i still hurt for him, they truly think i am over him and for a while i thought that too, i mean i was telling myself that, it will take me a really long time to get over Jon i think i really never will, but i am waiting for the point where it is not as hard for the point that i can start to sorta move on. i mean right now every time i try to more on it just hurts more, i regret it and feel guilty thinking about what he will say if he comes back when he comes back, so it makes moving on really really hard. I mean it is almost to a point that i wish he had just broken up with me when he moved, at least then there would have been closure, i have had no closure how can i truly move on, i don't see how that is possible, i almost feel that i am going to be stuck in this weird phase for a really long time or until he appears to give me closure, or even to fix everything again. I don't really know what it take i guess only time tell, for now i am just glad that even if I don't listen to myself all the time, i am at least thinking rationally sometime, my mind is clear of the confusion and i can see things clearly if only for a few moments.

So yeah I was a little Rash

I know I know two post same day again, but I wasn't really done with the first one, I had an exam to go take and on my way to said exam and before it started I had time to think, and I was hoping my other post would not have been commented on yet but hey this in a little bit of a response to the comment on it so it saves me from writing this twice. okay so that last post actually started as a poetic prose, that is what i writ if i am not writing a short story or novel, i use to be really good at poetry and was once published actually been published a couple times for poetry but the last two where more of the poetic prose you saw in a post earlier 'Blackness', anyways probably still good at it i just hate breaking things into verse so i go more paragraph format. So as i was typing my last post in a word document which i do not normally do it changed from just being a mash of emotions to a blog post that I felt I should share but to be honest even through i do feel that way a lot of the time I realized it is because it is summer, most people get depressed when it is cold and depressing outside but for me it happens well intensifies in the summer, why well best i can figure is because i have nothing to really distract me nothing that i really have to focus on, no learning to take the time and make that free time i have to think become a whole lot less, i kinda realized today that this is why it is really just hitting me now, I mean it has been two months since Jon disappeared and now is when I decide to break down, I mean i would have thought it would have happened sooner but before i had things like school and homework to distract me now yes I have my finals, well final now but i only really need the day of to study so until Saturday i have had totally free days, i had french today it is level 1 french and i took 4 years in high school no real need to study for today, so i have been reading, i enjoy reading and i have been reading the books that really got me into reading, the Twilight Saga, but with reading these books come reading about a very happy couple, which for me was not good, but i was thinking more helped me last year maybe will do the same this also thinking i was okay enough to read about that but I am not but i like the book to much not to read them all and i going for read them in four days which if i can finish Breaking Dawn sometime tonight then i will have successed in reading the Twilight Saga for my fourth time in four days which is a pretty cool thing. I was once in my life time suicidal I can't deny that I can't deny that those thought still don't cross my mind with all that is going on, I think about death a lot more when reading the Twilight Saga's and more now that I am almost nineteen the age the main character stops aging, oh how i wish that were really possible, but it will never make me make a rash decision to actually go through with it I could never i still see myself wanting more out of life then I have gotten in my almost 19 years, I want kids and a husband, it's not going to happen. No matter how out of it i get i could not do that to my little brother he needs me too much right now a reason i am not too upset that i have to move back home for a year because of this whole mess my life has become. I think i was being a little bit to dramatic earlier but hey what good writer isn't, I do appreciate the response it was helpful and just another reason to post so close together, I mean yes I am in a horrible situation right now and yes i am hurt and in pain but I want to try and publish Sleepless and I am not even close to finishing it so I will be around, I go through mood swings and I have been listening to Evanescence pretty much non stop because i can't really listen to happy music at the moment so i am more likely to let out the bad emotions but it is a good thing for me, having this blog to share my emotions even the bad is good for me, like I said in my last post I am very independent and it took me a very long time to tell my parents i was depressed they still don't even know the full extent i just don't want them to know, to worry, i don't need the worry, that is why this is helpful and my friend Jen because although i'm sure she worries about some of the things i tell her she is not going to show me that she is going to show me what i need and help me get through what ever it is that is going on at that time, it frustrates me right now that i haven't had a chance to really talk to her in a while I am going to have to fix that, i think it is part of the reason why i am writing more but the writing is sad and depressing and i haven't been able to really work on sleepless because it is an action pact sci-fi novel with a romantic twist built in and i just can't write about romance right now. I feel like Bella when Edward left her in New Moon but i didn't get a good bye and I am pretty sure my guy is not coming back so I can't look forward to the happy reunion that comes in the end of the book, but i don't live in a book so i really can't expect anything to happen, though i wish i could live in a book make life easier knowing it was all planed out, but i guess less fun, not knowing can be exciting but right now for me it sucks. I think i will be able to be myself a little better when i start to actually work for my parents, when i start the research and start having stuff to do everyday, plus being under the watch of my parents will at least help me keep control on how often and when i freak out and have a break down like i have had for the past couple days. I went out got some fresh air and was able to think more clearly, and again i am not saying my last post was just stress and an outburst i meant every word of it, it is just now as i think of it and the comment i got from it i felt i need to clear some things up and show that i can have some wicked mood swings into the deep dark depths of my depression, I should probably get some professional help and i may get to that it's just that whole independent thing again, I feel like to be myself i have to do it on my own even though rationally i know that that is ridicules that everybody need help sometimes and i should gets some if i feel like i need it. But i guess i am still in a wait and see phase, i want to give myself time and see how it helps. I don't know i am going to try my best to keep living life to the fullest and get over this hump, it will be a great thing to be able to put in a novel or something when i am in a better mood and over this, so i guess that is where i am really at hoping to get over this soon, though i will not push it i will let myself get over all the hurt and pain in the time that it needs.

Regret and Pain

Inside there is nothing, nothing at all only dark empty space. Alone in the dark that is what I am alone. There is no one, no one to help me, no one to save me. Darkness takes hold of everything. I am empty. I am dark. I am not me. I can’t make it through this, I can’t stand this. I have not many option in what lies ahead of me. As I see it I can either, stay and get over it, leave and get over it, or die. I can throw myself into work and forget about love all together, but how will that help, this is why I am leaving school, I need a break, time off from everything, but I have hit an age where I can’t have that, it is not allowed. I can just go living a day at a time but I am sick of that, I hate that the future that I was able to picture has vanished, it was there and now is gone again. I want that back but know that it won’t, no matter what I tell myself or what happens until he comes back to explain himself I will have pain. It will not go away, I have a hole, a really big hole and I cannot patch it myself, I don’t even think I have the will power in me to find someone to help me get over it. I just miss what I had so much, I want it back and I can’t have it, I can’t have that happiness back and it hurts. Every day that goes by another piece dies, another part of me goes black, I can’t stop it and part of me doesn’t want to, there is a part of me that wants to go all dark and black and just let go, just die. I am dying emotionally every day I don’t hear from him and I can actually feel me physically getting weaker like before I found him but worse because I know now what I have lost, before him I had no clue I didn’t know someone could or would see me that way, see me as their girlfriend and when it happened when he said those words it made me happy truly happy something I had not been since I was very young and innocent, and then it was all gone without warning and now the pain is so much that yes before it was physically affecting me but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now, now I feel like I am dying on the outside as well, like my body is giving up along with my heartbreak, I had never experienced love and now I have and losing it hurt, it hurts a lot. I can’t explain it truly you have to live through it and it is not something I would wish on anyone. But there are things I do know and can explain. I do know that my body is giving up, each day it hurts more, my chest, my arms, my legs my head, everything. At first I thought I was sick and for all I know I am but I know I hurt before I found him but not like this and when I found him I could ignore the hurt so well that it went away and then he left and now that I have truly excepted that the hurt the actually physical hurt has come back and ten times stronger, I use to be able to forget about it, even before him, but now every day I feel it and every day it gets worse. I know all I have done for the last few days is sit and read and maybe write now and again and so you would think I would feel less pain but no I feel more, that is how I figured out it was tied to him, how I knew it was because I had lost what I loved. If he comes back he is going to have a lot to explain and a lot to pick up after, I don’t even really know if there will be enough of me left to fix or if I will be too far gone, they say time heals all wounds but I don’t see it healing me, I have been hurt too much by him and by my own thinking and the lack of my own self worth, I was broken before he found me and he had all but fixed me I was so close to being whole and now I am worse off and I hate him for that and yet there is still a part of me and a big part of me that loves him still, I can’t explain why, it could be because there was no warning and he just disappeared, it could be because I know deep down that he is out there somewhere freaking out not being able to contact me, not being able to tell me what is going on with. There was nothing that explains his disappearance nothing at all no warning signs not a thing. It makes it harder to hate him and easier to hate myself for the message I have let and the things that I have done, even though everyone I know would not blame me for any of it I don’t even think he would blame me for any of it, yet here I am hating myself wanting everything to go back three months and take back those words I told him, take back saying ‘I love you’ take it back and see how it changes this whole mess, hoping that it would be better now, hoping he would still be in my life, but I can’t go back, I can’t change a thing I have to live with my choices. I have to live with the guilt and the shame and the hate and the regret. I have to live with it all, live with the pain, and the hurt, and the loss, I have to live with everything. I made my choices and I will live with them. It is all I can really do for now, there are still people that need me, my little brother most of all, my parents, my older brother and his new wife, I still have people counting on me to go through life, Jen and Aidan, they still need me and I guess there part of me still needs them too, I hate to rely on people it is part of what is making this so hard for me I have never felt like I have needed someone the way I needed Jon, the way I still need him. I need his arms around me to help me hold myself together to help me through this and he is not here, he will never be here again as far as I know and I need him so much more then I have ever felt like I have needed him before, and I still don’t get it, I am so independent that I don’t get why I need him so much why I feel I need the unconditional love that little Aidan gives me, why I need the disjointed love or whatever it was that Jon gave me, why I still crave for him to give me that, for why I still want him and wish for him to tell me that he loves me too, for why still although it has been two month I can’t move on and every time I try I just regret it more and hate myself more, how I read one of my favorite book series and wish I was back with Jon wish that I could have the love that the two main characters feel, hoping that like last year when I was in the depths of depression it would distract me and save me but see how it is doing the opposite but still can’t stop reading it, knowing that it is doing more harm than good but not caring not giving a shit what it is doing to me emotionally. I have to keep living that is all I really know, that and that there is a part of me that as my physical state weakens and my emotions continue to run amuck, a part that gets stronger as I get weaker that is ready to just give up and I almost feel that it will win, I am running out of strength and I can only hold on for so much longer, I need another savoir and I don’t want to look anymore, I want the original to come back and I have very little hope left of that happening, so I will just have to continue to push myself and fight that part for as long as I can, hoping that one day I will be able to hope that I will make it through this and that I will one day be able to put it behind me, but for now that is nowhere in sight and I just have to keep fighting as long as I can, as long as my body will last.

Blackness

Two post one night, wow too bad they are both depressing. Oh well I wrote something very similar to this last year about this time. If I find the thing from last year I will post it to compare. I just wrote this and it is well yeah not real, just a creative outlet for my emotions.

The streets are empty I see no one. I only feel the cold, hard, wet rain on my skin; my cloths clinging to my body. The tears mixing with the rain, taste salty and acidy, stale and sweet. My bare feet hit the pavement with a thud. They hurt but I don’t care, why should I care, nobody cares. My hair hits my face; it’s cold and smells of the stale air. My lungs begin to burn; I push myself more and run faster my feet pounding against the cold, hard, wet pavement. The ringing in my ears is too much I clasp my hands over them hoping to make it go away but of course it does not go away, the ringing is in my head, it is with me where ever I go, it will never go away.
Then bam the people in the streets are looking at me; staring at the crazy person running in the rain with no shoes and barely any clothes, soaked to the core from the constant down pour of rain. They all have umbrellas, they all are normal, they all are love, and they all have someone to care about them. The people came from nowhere they had not been there before, the ringing brought the people but the ringing is gone and the people are here. I can’t make sense of it; I don’t understand what is happening. I want the people to go away, I want them to stop staring, to stop looking like they care, they don’t care, NOBODY cares, no one knows. They just stare the people all they do is stare. STOP! I yell but no one seems to hear me, they just keep staring. GO AWAY! GO AWAY! GO AWAY! But still no they don’t listen they just keep staring. I close my eyes and keep running, just running, if they won’t stop staring I won’t look at them. The ringing is back, what is this damn ringing.
The colors are pretty as I climb the mountain. The greens and browns and blues and whites and purples and reds all the reds. I feel the cold hard earth under my feet, it feels oddly like the pavement but I know it is not, it is the earth the side of the mountain I am climbing. I see grass up ahead I want to feel the soft grass under my feet. The rain still pours down on me. I stop to feel the soft green wet grass. I close my eyes and look up to the sky.
The people are back. Those stupid evil people, but now they are looking up at me, my mountain is gone and I am on a building of the city I had run through. How did I get here, I do not remember, why can’t I remember. I don’t like it here I don’t want to be here. I look back up to the dark grey sky eyes open letting the rain hit my face.
My mountain is back the people are gone, I am alone again, safe from the glaring eyes. The grass feels so soft. I look back up to the sky eyes closed and start to spin, spin, spin. The colors’ come back and I continue to spin. I do not get dizzy I just keep spinning, spinning, and spinning.
I hear people shout NO STOP! I stop spinning and I am back on the building the people under me looking up looking worried. They can’t be worried, they don’t care. Yet they keep saying NO DON’T JUMP!, what do they care, they don’t care. I begin to spin again.
I spin and spin and spin and spin. I just keep spinning letting the rain hit my skin, hit my clothes, and hit my soul. I could spin forever, I will spin forever.
I am close to the edge of the building. The people get louder but I don’t listen.
I and on top of the mountain just spinning spinning spinning. I go to the edge and spin off.
I am falling. I hear music. I see colors. I feel rain and wind. I hear people yelling NOOOOOOOOOO! I want the music back it comes back. The colors are so pretty. The music so loud and peaceful. I am ready for this I have been ready for this. The spinning the falling mixes into one. I am falling. I am spinning. I am dying. I am happy. I am safe. It is over. The people voices fade in and out. The music gets louder.
I am falling. I am falling. I am falling. I see the ground, the pavement the earth it is all mixed I don’t know which world I am in anymore. All I know is that I am falling. And then it all stops, the falling the spinning the music, the people, all of it, everything, it is all gone.
Everything goes black. Everything stops. It is all over now. Everything is black.
Everything is black.

Emptyness

I am dreaming of a better place, of a better time, of a better me. I am drifting through this world, through the good, through the bad, through the neutral. I see all, but feel nothing. I hear all, but can’t speak a word. My life has become a blur and nothing seems to matter. I lost my love and can’t seem to forget him. I don’t want him to go away, I want him back, I want him to be mine, and I just plain want him. I hate him for disappearing, and I hate him for leaving, and right now I just plain hate him, but I want him back so much. I am finding it really hard to live without know where he is or if he is okay. I have no distraction; there is nothing to distract me from this. No one can take the hurt away. I need him back, I want him back. I hate myself for trying to move on, I can’t really move on; no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to let him go, to let my feeling for him go. I’ve tried so hard to move on but I just can’t; I can’t get over this, I can’t move on. I feel myself being pulled into a dark place, a place that I know, a place that I don’t want to go back to, a place that he brought me out of, a place that he is sending me back to, a place that is horrible, a place that will one day be the death of me. I want to move on, I want to get over this, I want to live again, I want so much. I just can’t seem to find the happiness I once had, the happiness that not so long ago was with, the happiness that I had not had for long. I am giving up on everything for now, I just can’t take anymore hurt, anymore pain. I am letting the darkness take control, I am letting the hurt and pain control, I am letting it all just take me away.

I'm a Jerk Face

So Jon is most likely moving next weekend. I know so depressing. He originally said it was just a trip out to Cali for company orientation but that if he can just stay he will. This means we have one week, not even really, more like five nights left to spend time with each other. I know I know you must be thinking what about this weekend with this weekend you really do have a week, and if I could see him this weekend I would agree, however he got his wisdom teeth removed yesterday, all four, and is pretty much in a constant sleep. He was up yesterday around 7:30pm after them being removed at 8:45 that morning, and just to eat something give me a quick text back from the one I sent earlier and to go back to sleep. He is staying at his parents why he recovers, and well since neither of us are ready for the meet the parents, my parents on the other hand are all for meeting him, I'm not going over there, plus although I know they live around the corner from Jon's place I have no clue where they live. Plus the whole me working till 11 tonight and having to be at work at 9am tomorrow I would have to be with him now to get anytime with him today. And if I knew that he would feel pretty much back to normal tomorrow when I get off work at 5:30pm I would go see him but that is not known so really we have Monday-Friday night after he gets off work well Tuesday after I get off work. It sucks cause I am pretty sure I wont get to see him everyday next week, life will come up and force us apart for a night.

This past week I had seen him Sunday after getting back from San Antonio, Monday night, not Tuesday cause he was spending time with his family, Wednesdays for like two hours because he was being nice and going to help some friends with their computers and he was going really far up north and was going to crash at one of the friends places, not Thursday because his stupid boss made him do all this paperwork before he could go get the prescriptions he needed for his teeth removal and he didn't leave work till almost 8:30 got to the pharmacy just in time went to his parents ate dinner and crashed, and of course not yesterday because of the whole tooth removal he was totally out of it. My week sucked.

So why am I a Jerk Face? Well Wednesday when he was going to help his friend I had no clue that it was that far north and at first was going to go with him, but once he told me that he would most likely be crashing up there it made no sense for me to go, I have class at 8 every morning and I have to leave his place at the latest at 7:20 or i would be late for class, so going with him we would have had to leave at like 6am to get to his place to get my car so I could go back to campus, it just made no sense. But I was upset and angry at him at his friends, I hadn't gotten to see him the night before and I had only been there for like 2 hours when he went to help his friend. When he said it would be better for me to just go back to my dorm I got so pissed that I walked past him and just headed to my car but he knew I was upset and intercepted me before I got to my car. He was trying to make me feel better, he doesn't like to see me upset and he was the reason I was upset. So he had his arms around me trying to get me to stop crying and explain a little more and try to find out why it upset me so much, I know why it upsets me so much to have to leave him especially when we could spend more time together but I'm to chicken to tell him I'm getting there I am going to tell him before he leaves but I'm still scared of his reaction and if it will hurt me, well of course I give stupid reasons like it was a waste of gas and that had I known he was going to leave and we would have to separate that I wouldn't have come at all, I mean he can see how upset I am he even wiped a tear from my eye, it was cold out he didn't want my face wet and even colder with my whacked up body temp, and told me that he was all mine the next day, we kissed and I went to my car, I still cried all the way home, I was still upset, I guess in the back of my mind didn't believe him. Well that was the correct thing to do, not believe him, he was out driving for work at about 3:30pm and when I texted him at 5pm asking if he was going home he said he would be soon, that he just had some paperwork to go through when he got back to the office and then he would be done. Well at about 5:30ish he texted me letting me know he was going to his parents for dinner and to crash, his mom was his ride in the morning and it was just easier. Well at first I thought that meant i wasn't going to get to see, I asked why he couldn't just go over in the morning, he want the simplicity of just waking up and going plus the free home cooked meal, we continued to discuss and when I realized he was still trying to see me I called, the text he sent was hard to read I got the basics of it but i wanted to verify. We talked on the phone for a bit and he explained that he was crabby and tired and hungry and still had work to do cause a co-worker dumped work on him and his boss wanted it done that night cause he wouldn't be there the next day and I could tell he was angry and I explained that I had forgotten that he had said he was staying at his parents the night before his teeth removal and it was pretty much good, he said he would text when he was leaving. I thought it would take him about an hour to finish when he hadn't texted I text him when he still didn't respond I called it was about 7:30, he said he still had a half hour of work left and that he had to get his prescriptions and that he would be cutting it close to the pharmacy closing and that he was just going to go to his parents eat and going to bed. I freaked out. I was starting to cry and had stopped making noise in the phone so he just kept saying 'hello' so I hung up. When he didn't call me back, after I had stopped crying I called him back, he asked if we got disconnected I told him that I hung up, he asked why I explained. He questioned why I was so upset, I kinda told him then let him get back to work. at a little after nine I called again to see if he got his meds, he had. i then went into the explanation of why I felt like a jerk. I hate the friend that called for his help on Wednesday because they took Jon from me and I don't even know the person so I felt like a jerk. I hate his boss for making him do all that work when this is just extra time the Jon is giving to his work, his two weeks from his two weeks notice was up last Friday when I was in San Antonio and he is only still there so he doesn't cut his income off, EA don't start paying till he in Cali. But his boss was the one who gave him the opportunity to send his resume to EA and Sony and his boss helped him a lot and he feels some obligation to his boss, but his boss was still being a jerk Thursday and I still hate him for it and again I don't know the man and I'm being a jerk. I feel bad about hating people I don't know, but I feel worse that I lost time with Jon. We have such limited time together that I really hate to lose it. So even though I feel like a jerk for hating complete strangers I also feel like I have the right to. I mean they are keeping me from the man that I think I am falling in love with, yeah that is what I scared to tell Jon, that I think I am falling in love, that I love him. We are going on four months so it seems early but then again I can't control emotions like that, I could tell myself 'you're not in love you're not in love' over and over again but it wouldn't change anything. See that's why i feel I have the right to hate strangers they are keeping me from the guy I love who will in a very short time be taken away for a really long time, and don't I get to see the guy I love before he leaves, shouldn't I get as much time with him that I can work into my schedule and his, shouldn't I get to be with him the week before he leaves? Right now is such a confusing time, I hate and love my life at the same time. I don't know how to handle the stress and i am ready to give up on school and work. I know had I not meet Jon that I would be worse off right now, but with him moving I just got to experience depression, to happiness, to confusion, to sad in the span of five months and I can't take the emotional stress roller coaster anymore. I just want to be with him not matter what that does to my life.

California, the not so Happy state

The last month of my life has been stressful. I found out just days before Jon left for Oklahoma that he had two possible job opportunities in California. And I found out the day before he left that he was leaving, the was Wednesday, he left Thursday and wont be back till late Sunday, I don't get to see him till Tuesday, maybe Monday if I can pull it. But the lack of time is not really my stresser, yes I would love to have more time to spend together, but I understand why we don't right now. What is really stressing me is what this move could do to our relationship. It could flat out end it, not likely since neither Jon or I want that. It could put a major strain on it as we try to pull off the long distance thing. Or it could rapidly speed it up as we look at other ways to stay close. The thing is my brain went into overdrive thinking about it the minute he questioned what this opportunity would do to us. But then I also refused to talk to him about it. At first I said lets talk about it when it is really facing us, then when it was, when he knew he had the interviews and he tried again I said I didn't want to end it cause he was moving and then changed the subject. We were trying to see each other Wednesday before he left but he had dinner plans with some friends and then his boss called and said that he needed him in the office at 4am, his flight was at noon there was no way for him to say no, and thus I have not seen him since technically Monday morning. We talked a lot Wednesday because i couldn't accept his answer and he had to really explain himself to get me to understand. Then he texted me on his way to the airport and I broke down, I couldn't handle it, it became way to real for me. I slept the majority of Thursday, I was depressed as hell, and had nothing to help me out of it. I called him later that night and we talked for a bit, but we were both so tired it just wasn't working. Today he had his first interview of the trip with EA Games, he got the job, they know he has an interview tomorrow as well and once he finds out what Sony says the two companies are going to pretty much have a money fight, the one who offers the most wins. I found that out around 3 this afternoon, I started to think again. I called him at about 6:30 this evening to talk about what this meant for us but it was too hard to do over the phone so we just talked for an hour, it was good it helped me. I still can't believe all this is happening and I wish Jon were here to talk about it, but only a couple more days and we should be able to work this all out.

I would also happen to have a cold. I believe it finally started to affect me because of my break down Thursday. I mean I have had a fever for almost a week now and so the day I gave up on my strength would be the day that the cold would start to affect me.

UT won the Fiesta Bowl! YAY! And the Gators beat OU! At least some things are going ok.

Cookies, Zombies, and a Screw Up

So I watched Jon and his friends play Left for Dead the other day for a good six hours, they played like three different campaigns, I was beginning to get bored when then finally stopped. But this meant I watched a lot of Zombies get killed, and for a while he was playing versus mode so he was the Zombie, but I saw a lot of Zombies. That night I stayed at Jon's, it was very late when he finally stopped playing and I was falling asleep, it would not have been safe for me to drive home. I woke up that night at about three in the morning after having a strange and creepy dream.

I was in the woods, I think Jon was there but it could have been some random guy, then these strange looking Zombies came. They had these weird white stretched out faces and for a while did nothing wrong. Then they gave us cookies, I was very confused on this part of the dream the cookies seemed so random I could not make any sense out of them. After the cookies there was a fire and the Zombies started to attack us, then I woke up.

I did not want to go back to sleep but I also did not want to wake on up. So I laid there for a while, fell back to sleep and the dream picked back up, I woke quickly this time and when I fell asleep for the third time if I dreamt I don't remember.

When I told Jon about the dream he connected the cookies, one of his friends pictures for there icon is a grumpy cookie, it all made sense.

And now I've screwed up. I got mad last night at Jon for a pointless stupid reason, and in my anger I guess I brought some memories Jon did not want to think about to his thought, and when I tried to fix it he wouldn't talk to me. He signed off yahoo and put his phone on silent. He leaves today and I really want to fix things before he leaves but I'm not sure if that will happen, with any luck it will, all I need to do is get him on the phone so it may happen as he is leaving, since he is driving it shouldn't be that hard, but we will just have to wait and see.

I wish I had more Time

I have been unable to work on my novel for over a month now, and when I tried to work on it today I was stuck. I had no clue what I had been planning; I had to sit and think, I'm actually still thinking of where I was going with it. I want to get back to writing but it is so hard to find the time, again I wish I could be a sleepless from my novel cause then I wouldn't need sleep, heck I wouldn't be able to sleep, but I am not and I require sleep and it seem that I am in need of more sleep lately, I am exhausted and really don't know why. Oh well I only have a few weeks of class left and then I get a two month break, a much needed two month break.

Well I Tried

I really did try to keep this blog happy and way from the depressing part of my life that has claimed my life for the past two years, that's why I made it for my life in college and my novel, knowing the novel would just be a fun thing to blog about and hoping college life would be better. Well I haven't been able to work on my novel for about a month now and life in college wasn't what I was hoping for. It's new it's a change it all started good. I needed a change I needed new, I've had good experiences with the roommate for the first time, she is actually now never here, I am doing okay in my classes, I have made some friends, but not like my old I never hang out with these friends I am trying to become more social and it's just not happening. And then there's the love life, the guy. It was another thing I needed, I had been alone for so long it's good to have someone, but now some of the most retarded things are pissing me off. I mean it's been about a month, and I could really care less if he wants to go get drunk with his friends, or like last night complete and total strangers, but that's what made me mad at him last night. He went out to party and I was unable to see him. I spent my night pissed off trying to distract myself in my dorm until a reasonable time to go to bed, why he was out getting drunk, oh and I let him know how pissed I was, the thing he called today to try and work things out and it did nothing, I am still pissed at him and maybe even more then I was last night. The thing is I really do like him and don't want to stop seeing him, that's why I got so mad that's why I feel like I can express that anger to him, I feel safe with him and I care about him, and I want to see where things go, but he is making it hard, I don't think he understands some of the things I tell him, I don't think he gets what I tell him. I want this to work, I need this to work, but I don't know how much more I can take, I had such a crappy and depressing two years that I can't let it continue, I am working on making my life better and at least for now I believe Jon is part of that, but if I can't get him to understand what I am telling him, I can't see us together for much longer and that makes me sad, I feel that I am doing this to myself, that I am getting mad and upset over nothing, that I am unconsciously ruining this but then I also feel that I am the only one trying that I am the one planing and finding times for us to see each other and from when we first meet to now that is a big difference, he pestered me on IM for two or three days to meet him in person, and when it looked like we would only be able to see each other on weekends he asked me to let him know if I would be free during the week, and now it's me trying to find the time for us to get together. Right now he thinks I'm not mad at him anymore but he's wrong I'm still mad and will continue to be mad until I can really talk to him about what is going on in my head, which I refuse to do over IM or the phone, and with my busy week and weekend I have no clue when that will be, let's just hope for both Jon and my sakes the time away for me to think will let this whole mess in my head end happily because I won't be able to handle anything if I lose what I do have with him.

(SO GOING TO POST MORE THEN 12 TIMES THIS MONTH! YAY! SOMETHING HAPPY IN MY BLOG OF DEPRESSION)

Well I'm in Pain

My chest hurts, and I don't know why. It is very irritating especially since I have a PSY test in 30 minutes. My day so far has been spent studying for said PSY test, participating in an experiment for my PSY class, a shower, a drive from the boyfriends to the dorm in morning rush hour, breakfast, I am personally amazed that one happened, lunch, more studying, lots of studying, and to top it all off after said PSY test I will get to write two papers, do some pre-cal homework, and study some more. I guess it is a good thing that my boyfriend is a gamer and will be at a Gears of War 2 release party and then be spending the whole night playing said game, giving me little to be distracted by. Still can't explain the pain and wish it would go away, but oh well, I'll have to live with it for now, got to go take a PSY test.