I need a Break

I am thinking of going somewhere anywhere I really don't care where. I just know I need a break, that I need to get away and go to some unknown, to me, place to clear my mind. I need to get away from Austin and all the stress that is here and go to a place where I can really relax. Just sit back and breath. Just work on Sleepless. Just have some time off. I want to go for a long time. I want to leave soon and not come back right away. I don't know how long that will really be but even if it is only a week or so it would be better then being stuck here. It is really getting to me that I am back in my parents house, I mean yes I want to work with them and learn from my dad and do what he says so that in four to five years I can retire, that would be sweet, but I know that it is not going to happen if I don't get a chance to clear my head. I need to just relax and not think of the things I need to do. I really need time to just do what I want to, I have been working so much if not school actual work and now I just want to be a kid. I cut my childhood short by going to Europe and then needing a job to pay for when I got back and pretty much ever since I got that job I was no longer a child, I had to schedule my fun at least two weeks in advance and that is a really hard thing to do. Part of me wishes I could go back to those carefree days of childhood, you know when you are four or five and don't really have any responsibility but people can understand what you're saying and might even listen to you. But there is a fine line in that. I want to be carefree but I have seen too much and know too much to ever go back to that, the best I can really wish for is some carefree time where I go somewhere and just relax and not really plan anything, just do whatever I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. I am going to try really hard to get this break, cause I really need and really want it. I am even thinking of places, within the US(I do have a passport I am just thinking of cost), that I would like to go. Places I have never been, which is quite a lot so it is not that hard on that part. All I really have to do is come up with the money and convince my parents this will be good for me and help me work better and more efficiently when I get back. It could work, I am an adult they can't really prevent me from doing what I want. I guess time will only tell if this is something I can really do.

Regret and Pain

Inside there is nothing, nothing at all only dark empty space. Alone in the dark that is what I am alone. There is no one, no one to help me, no one to save me. Darkness takes hold of everything. I am empty. I am dark. I am not me. I can’t make it through this, I can’t stand this. I have not many option in what lies ahead of me. As I see it I can either, stay and get over it, leave and get over it, or die. I can throw myself into work and forget about love all together, but how will that help, this is why I am leaving school, I need a break, time off from everything, but I have hit an age where I can’t have that, it is not allowed. I can just go living a day at a time but I am sick of that, I hate that the future that I was able to picture has vanished, it was there and now is gone again. I want that back but know that it won’t, no matter what I tell myself or what happens until he comes back to explain himself I will have pain. It will not go away, I have a hole, a really big hole and I cannot patch it myself, I don’t even think I have the will power in me to find someone to help me get over it. I just miss what I had so much, I want it back and I can’t have it, I can’t have that happiness back and it hurts. Every day that goes by another piece dies, another part of me goes black, I can’t stop it and part of me doesn’t want to, there is a part of me that wants to go all dark and black and just let go, just die. I am dying emotionally every day I don’t hear from him and I can actually feel me physically getting weaker like before I found him but worse because I know now what I have lost, before him I had no clue I didn’t know someone could or would see me that way, see me as their girlfriend and when it happened when he said those words it made me happy truly happy something I had not been since I was very young and innocent, and then it was all gone without warning and now the pain is so much that yes before it was physically affecting me but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now, now I feel like I am dying on the outside as well, like my body is giving up along with my heartbreak, I had never experienced love and now I have and losing it hurt, it hurts a lot. I can’t explain it truly you have to live through it and it is not something I would wish on anyone. But there are things I do know and can explain. I do know that my body is giving up, each day it hurts more, my chest, my arms, my legs my head, everything. At first I thought I was sick and for all I know I am but I know I hurt before I found him but not like this and when I found him I could ignore the hurt so well that it went away and then he left and now that I have truly excepted that the hurt the actually physical hurt has come back and ten times stronger, I use to be able to forget about it, even before him, but now every day I feel it and every day it gets worse. I know all I have done for the last few days is sit and read and maybe write now and again and so you would think I would feel less pain but no I feel more, that is how I figured out it was tied to him, how I knew it was because I had lost what I loved. If he comes back he is going to have a lot to explain and a lot to pick up after, I don’t even really know if there will be enough of me left to fix or if I will be too far gone, they say time heals all wounds but I don’t see it healing me, I have been hurt too much by him and by my own thinking and the lack of my own self worth, I was broken before he found me and he had all but fixed me I was so close to being whole and now I am worse off and I hate him for that and yet there is still a part of me and a big part of me that loves him still, I can’t explain why, it could be because there was no warning and he just disappeared, it could be because I know deep down that he is out there somewhere freaking out not being able to contact me, not being able to tell me what is going on with. There was nothing that explains his disappearance nothing at all no warning signs not a thing. It makes it harder to hate him and easier to hate myself for the message I have let and the things that I have done, even though everyone I know would not blame me for any of it I don’t even think he would blame me for any of it, yet here I am hating myself wanting everything to go back three months and take back those words I told him, take back saying ‘I love you’ take it back and see how it changes this whole mess, hoping that it would be better now, hoping he would still be in my life, but I can’t go back, I can’t change a thing I have to live with my choices. I have to live with the guilt and the shame and the hate and the regret. I have to live with it all, live with the pain, and the hurt, and the loss, I have to live with everything. I made my choices and I will live with them. It is all I can really do for now, there are still people that need me, my little brother most of all, my parents, my older brother and his new wife, I still have people counting on me to go through life, Jen and Aidan, they still need me and I guess there part of me still needs them too, I hate to rely on people it is part of what is making this so hard for me I have never felt like I have needed someone the way I needed Jon, the way I still need him. I need his arms around me to help me hold myself together to help me through this and he is not here, he will never be here again as far as I know and I need him so much more then I have ever felt like I have needed him before, and I still don’t get it, I am so independent that I don’t get why I need him so much why I feel I need the unconditional love that little Aidan gives me, why I need the disjointed love or whatever it was that Jon gave me, why I still crave for him to give me that, for why I still want him and wish for him to tell me that he loves me too, for why still although it has been two month I can’t move on and every time I try I just regret it more and hate myself more, how I read one of my favorite book series and wish I was back with Jon wish that I could have the love that the two main characters feel, hoping that like last year when I was in the depths of depression it would distract me and save me but see how it is doing the opposite but still can’t stop reading it, knowing that it is doing more harm than good but not caring not giving a shit what it is doing to me emotionally. I have to keep living that is all I really know, that and that there is a part of me that as my physical state weakens and my emotions continue to run amuck, a part that gets stronger as I get weaker that is ready to just give up and I almost feel that it will win, I am running out of strength and I can only hold on for so much longer, I need another savoir and I don’t want to look anymore, I want the original to come back and I have very little hope left of that happening, so I will just have to continue to push myself and fight that part for as long as I can, hoping that one day I will be able to hope that I will make it through this and that I will one day be able to put it behind me, but for now that is nowhere in sight and I just have to keep fighting as long as I can, as long as my body will last.

Almost Done

With less then a week left of class and only two finals I am feeling good that this school year is almost over. I have had my personal drama and what not but the actual first year of college is so close to being over. I have decent grades in most of my classes and the few i don't I have opportunity to bring them up. I am ready to be done for a year. I am ready for my break. I am ready to get to work on building my financial freedom and success. I have two weeks left in my dorm and then it will be back to my parents, which I would normally not be excited about but with the circumstance I'm in I actually ok with it, I mean I get to work and make money and they will not make me pay rent or for food, I get to save the money I make for when I move out to Arizona and I will still be making money when I move and not have a "real job" I get to focus on studying and fun. My life is working out even though just a few short weeks ago I thought it would not. I mean I still miss Jon and no matter how hard I try to keep him off my mind it doesn't seem to work, but I'm working on it and it will take time to get over, I loved him, still love him and that is not something that just goes away. I am trying to see other people to help with that but it's hard to know what I want with things ending but not really ending, I kinda feel like I am cheating on him even though he is no longer part of my life, for all I know he is stuck somewhere that has no contact to the outside world worrying what I think has happened to him, but then he could just be being a jerk, i don't know and that is the problem. Oh well everything will work it's self out eventually.

So that is it for now, school almost over and trying really hard to move on with my love life.
Aidan's Day to come soon.

Can't Think of a Better Title

Life has been dull. I miss Jon so much and really just want to feel his arms around me. I am going to be working with my parents for the next couple months so that when I move to California most likely in November I won't have to find a job and just focus on school. My tattoo is healed for the most part. I still have not made it to the doctor and I really need to do. I am so tired and still have not been able to get a decent night sleep. I don't have anything else to say. My life right now is one big ball of Dull.

Well life is just blah

Jon left Wednesday night for California. He will be back to get some more stuff but for the most part he is gone. I am going to visit him for my spring break but that is not until March 15th, such a long way away. But funny thing is he got stopped by a cop and then when I asked him where he was he had no clue what state he was in I think he was in New Mexico because he was out of Texas but very little chance of being in Arizona but he did get stopped for speeding so I never know, when I call tomorrow at 2:30pmish and he's already in California I will have to say he was in Arizona. This has been hard for me though, I am proud that I haven't cried since the night he left but I know it's gonna happen again eventually.

I'm looking at schools in Arizona and California, more California but being in AZ would be better then being in Texas, I could drive to see him on weekends. Really I'm only looking at ASU (Arizona State University) and SJSU (San Jose State University), SJSU more because it is in the city that Jon will be living in but I have to do it for me, Jon doesn't want me to move for him, so I am moving for school and he is a bonus. I've been looking at SJSU and I think I will like it way better then UT. I will end up taking a semester off but I think that will really do me some good, I'm so sick of school right now that I think if I don't take a break I will end up not finishing and I would rather finish a semester later then not at all.

I've written more in my novel not very much but I just don't have the time anymore. I will get to it and it will be better for me being ready in not in the state of slight writers block I have right now.