And the writing picks up

SO I wrote a huge part of my novel yesterday and I wish I could be writing more constanly but you know I still have to work, though my hours got cut because they put B in preschool so they need me less but I will have to make up so of those hours at my parents daycare until I have my business up and bringing in money but with any luck that will only take a few months. Anyways lots of novel writing will be happening as even with having two jobs I should have way more free time to get schoolwork and work work done so that I can write.

Oh and I have plane tickets so I will offically be going to reason rally and I am so excited.

Goodbye 2011 Hello 2012

A lot has happened this year. I turned 21, my nephew turned 1, I found out I was going to be an aunt again but with a niece on the way, I came to the realization that my beliefs had change(recently which is why no post on it yet later on this will come later in the post), we got a new dog(a great Dane named Deo, we got Rose last year she is a Australian Shepard lab mix, Callie is not happy but has gotten used to them a bit), got to see family I hadn't seen in a while, got frustrated with school, had a break through on my writer block, and oh so much more that I can't think of because it's nearly 1am. I am also looking forward to the new year. I already have some things planed, lots of travel(well at least that is in the near future), graduation from University(I know I may have to change the name of my blog), and a lot of unknown.

So as for the past year I feel like I have had a lot of ups which makes for a good year. I may not be where I want to be in my personal life but hey you really can't force that now can you, however as for school and work and my novel I am in a good place, yes I need to make more time to write but the last few months away from it to relax has been helpful,no writers block just needed to think and get the story straight.

Now the change in beliefs. I don't talk about it much as unless you are going out to talk about beliefs and what not I've been taught not to really talk about mine but this is my blog so I am going to and probably will be doing so more in the future. So I discovered I was closer to atheist then theist which in all honesty I've felt that for a while not knowing if there was a god and well through research and exploration I feel there is not, however I do have thoughts about it if there by some chance there happens to be one or many. Again more to come in the future on this. That being said I am closer to being agnostic atheist then just atheist but my views are still developing so who knows where they will go. Already I know i will be attending the Reason Rally in DC this March 24th, my younger brother and I will be hopefully taking a bus to DC to attended the event and we are both really excited(I say hopefully because it is not for sure that the bus will be going until in March, enough people have to sign up for seats for it to leave from Austin).

My niece should be born sometime in the week prior to the Reason Rally and going to the Rally will most likely delay when I get to see her which is okay I didn't meet Zander until a few weeks after his birth as he was in Dover and I could only take the week of Thanksgiving off at the time and I am trying to take as little time off as possible as work may be changing as well but it is too soon to talk about in more detail yet, But I will see Kenzi shortly after her birth since she will be in Arkansas which is just a short 7 to 9 hour drive from Austin, no big deal.

All in all I am looking ahead to the new year and will do my best to write more as well as many other things I plan to make more time for.

I want to be lazy

As we know I have my book back but because of school and work I actually haven't had the time I wanted to work on it. School is the real killer. I am on week 8 of the 10 week term but oh how I wish it were done, though that only gives me a week break before starting two new classes. I have about five terms left after the current one ends which is great but I wish the breaks were longer. I will say that I have been writing in my head, I have a good portion set up I just need put it to paper. I wish I could be lazy and write what I want to write instead of having to write parers. Well the stress should be over in about a year and hopefully I will be able to work on my novel during this year.

I'v got it Back

So I got an external hard drive and now have my novel back as well as pictures that have been missing for years from another computer. So I am very happy now and will be working hard on my novel so that I can finish it.

Lots of Things

I have so many ideas in my head right now for post so this is going to be a combo post because I don't feel like writing multiple and scheduling and all that fun stuff.

Firstly I am really into Michelle Branch right now. I listen to her way back when I was in like fifth and sixth grade but I have just recently started listening to her again. On that note Addiction part 6 will be about music, as I am always addicted to something music, this band or that band. So yeah been listening to Michelle Branch for the past few days, I think it is helping me with my writing not only for the blog but with the novel too.

A quick work update, B was sick this week so it was a really fun week(see the sarcasm leaking from that sentence). She just had a virus but had snot leaking out her nose nonstop and had the must horrid braking cough, I hope she doesn't get croup I think her parents would freak, but so far so good. Her eye are really puffy too, she looks like hell. She was really clingy the last few days which is not her. But she was a bit better today so hopefully she will be back to normal Monday.

So I watch Hulu and Netflix it is another addiction of mine. I want to know what draws me to show that have been canceled? I mean I like to watch them especially since I can just watch and don't have to wait a week or more for new episodes but sometime I hate how they end or I think they end to early. Like Firefly it only lasted one season, now it did get a movie and there are comic so it is not completely gone but still I wish it could have lasted longer. Then there is Lipstick Jungle, which I will be featuring in a addiction piece. It lasted two seasons but the way it ended I wanted more it was a great show. It had an ok final episode but because it was canceled it fell short. I wish networks would give shows more than a season or two to get viewers, heck I wish networks would advertise all shows better not just the ones they really really like, but all show. We aren't all stupid people who only like to watch 'reality' TV, I hate most 'reality' TV, I watch Real Housewives(only New York and Jersey) because it is hilarious and the Bethany Frankel show because I love her, and then 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom because well I don't know I guess that one is a guilty pleasure. But other then those and I won't watch it. I miss Better Off Ted it was hilarious but it was smart comedy so it got canned, though I do admit that I love Raising Hope but that show is just so outrageous that that is what makes it funny. I don't know I guess it a win lose when I get into canceled shows, I get to watch them non stop but then if I really like them I wish that there could be more.

I think that is all for now. Um I will be posting more this year, not a resolution or anything just want to write more and sometimes it is easier to write here then to work on my novels.

Peace.

Addictions part deux

So a musical addiction this time, and that would be Evanescence. I got hooked on them way back in middle school and had not listen to them in a while when travel they came up on my mp3 player and now it is all I want to listen to. It has broken my Paramore addiction, which I have had for a good two years now I sure a break is okay, plus I have a huge playlist in Zune that has both and many other random songs I like to listen to, but right now I am listening to the Evanescence playlist and probably will for a while.

It is dark music that I actually got into in a not so dark part of my life things where about to go dark but I didn't know that, maybe that is why I was drawn to it, as I was only two years away from high school which is what started some of the darkest years of my so far short life. Which that story is for another post as those sad days were not an addiction.

I think I have come back to them for the dark aspect. Although I don't want Sleepless to get too dark it has its dark aspects and well to help get me back into dark places dark music is a must. I listened to this when I read a book called Cut, it was about cutting, I think I listened to this whenever I'm reading a dark book. But anyways it will definitely be on the playlist when I write the Suicide book.

I just took a look around my room which hasn't changed much since high school and I can count the dark elements of my decorating. My room is weird I think it would be hard to tell what I was like just by looking at it, though then again I guess it could tell a whole lot about who I am/was like I said hasn't changed since high school.

Anyways yes I am addicted to dark music. I love it makes it easier to write sometime, though I haven't tried writing to it recently. Which I think is what I am going to go do.

Till later. Peace.

A title escapes me

So first off I will be posting a lot in the next few weeks. I am trying to post at least as many post as last year and I need to post daily and possible twice daily to get that done, I slacked too much this year and now have to rush to catch up. Why? Because it would bug me if I dropped in posts from last year to this year when I gained in post from 08 to 09 so I feel I at least need to post the same from 09 to 10 if not more I will have to see if I can keep the focus and have enough good material which I think I will with x-mas my dad's b-day and my addition post.

In other news I have decided that after I finish Sleepless or maybe even while working on it I will be writing the Suicide book as it will be called until I come up with a actual title for me. The title of this post has nothing to do with the lack of title for this book, it just kinda happened.

Okay now to go write a post that will actually be published later, I know I never do that but the idea for addition part 2 just came to me and I have to write it now before I forget so be on the look out for it tomorrow.

Peace

Remembering

I just got an email because I got a comment on a post I wrote over a year ago. It was written when I was in that deep dark place of not knowing where the hell my ex was and I forgot how good of a dark writer I am. I had to go back and read the piece because from the comment I could not remember what the post was and from reading man I gotta say I really like my dark depressing suicide writing. That and my other really dark pieces seem to be some of my best work, now my novel has me stuck, it does have a dark element to it but I am also trying to add a romance to it and that is giving me some trouble. I think it is because although I was happy with my last relationship it ended very badly and well looking back it wasn't much of a healthy relationship anyways so in the big picture I don't really know how a good relationship should form and how it should work without copying from others and I don't want that it is sad to say that I am inexperienced when it comes to relationships and I admit it is at my own hand but still it is hard for me to write what I don't know. I can write dark and depressing because that is what i have been living for the past few years, but a happy romance it just not working but it is not something I want to cut out. Which is why I am stuck with the novel, because I have to write start to finish and I am at the point where the relationship needs to build and get going I am at odds of what to have happen. I might try adding a darker spin on the romance but I'm not sure that that is what I want.

See I am in a better place then when I stopped writing my last try at a book based on a short story I had written but stopped that one because I took a wrong turn in the plot and had to set it aside to get the fantasy sci-fic out which is why I chose to write 'Sleepless: the story of the 24'. And being stuck on that one is leaving me in a weird place. I want to write and I want to work on Sleepless but I'm not sure how do move forward. I don't want to abandon another novel(not that I really did with the first it is just on hold) and I'm not going to. But I'm really stuck. Maybe I should write some dark prose and see if I can either but them in the novel or have it help me find the romance I need, because really even if I turn the love between Leo and Emma it to something dark it is still a romance and still adds to the story and it may just make it that much better of a novel. Then I will try to do a more normal romance with my first on which deserves to have happy/light/romantic/out of this world romance, Emma has to save the world from her evil father, while Izzy(Isabel) has a completely normal life in a small town nothing strange and weird happening there(plus it takes place way before the sleepless so even if it was the same world Izzy's world is years in the past). But anyways that book will come later and right now I am stuck trying to get Sleepless right. Well writing does take time.

Life and Reality TV

So I don't remember if I have said on here yet or not but I'm going to be an aunt in November and it's a boy, Alexander Vincent, we are all very excited even though they live in Delaware. We should be have a baby shower in August here in Texas if my sister in law can travel she is a high risk pregnancy so it is still up in the air. Either way there will be much shopping for my nephew.

I have almost finished chapter 2 of my novel as of right now I have not quite 40 manuscript pages and 11,239 words. I am going to have my mom read the two chapters when I finish the second and then continue on I might post more here later as well.

I've been going through a lot. My ex was here again at the end of May and I may have said something about that already but I sent him an e-mail and he never responded which I expected he wouldn't so not a big deal it still suck though when he decides to communicate and then suddenly disappears again it brings me back to what I felt last year and I just can't feel that way anymore. I really am trying to move on it's just hard to do when he keeps popping in and out of my life every three or so months.

I've been watching The Real Housewives lately which means it the New Jersey ones right now and that stuff is crazy. Some of the stuff that goes on it like wow did that really happen. I feel for Dina who left the show she did what was best for her and I feel for the other housewives that still have to put up with Danielle she is crazy and I really hope she doesn't stay on much longer. I know it's weird for me to talk about TV but from what I've seeing I just had to let it out. The Manzos and their friends seem like good decent people and they have to deal with a crazy woman, and I know they could just not do the show but I would rather see their lives that the crazy persons.

ANd that is all for now.

I can't believe it

I know, I know it has been forever again but I just haven't had much going. I have pretty much just been going to work and doing my school stuff. Well my cousin did get married a month ago and we have set a date for my sister-in-law's baby shower. She and my brother will be here for about a week in August. Jon is in town again, saw him yesterday, said he would be here for a while so probably will see him again before he leaves. Um... Not much else going on. Oh, I quit my job at the daycare to start at a nanny agency, it should be fun, and easier as I will be dealing with less children. I want to do more work with my novel so I will be trying to find time to do that. And that's about it for now.

I Think

I think I am going to get back to writing. I am feeling way better about stuff and I start back to school next week so why not start the writing back up as well. I had a great Christmas and hoping to have a great new years as well so I think I am going to start working on my novel again and post more on here. I am ready to get back to work. And it will be starting asap.

What to Say, What to Say?

It's been a while since I posted, I was in Delaware visiting my brother and sister and law who I became very close to, and now I am working at my parents daycare center again and do not have much time to get on the interwebs much. I also have not been able to write much either, which irritates me, but I like to write from beginning to end and I'm at a point where I need to build the romantic relationship between the main character and her going to be lover but it is hard to do in my state of mind, I should have been writing it while I was with Jon but I was to preoccupied to at the time, so I either have to write another part or put it aside for a while, and I've decided to put it aside for a bit. When I have more time and I'm in a better state of mind I will pick it up again. It is still vividly in my head and I will get back to it and hopefully soon, I don't want to desert Emma and her world I just need time so I can be able to write the romantic mushy stuff without crying or breaking Emma's heart because that's not suppose to happen. I'll keep updating on here whenever something new happens, but for right now it is really time to get over my own personal heartbreak and truly move on with my life.

Well this Feels Good

I have been working on 'Sleepless' for a good portion of the day. It feels really good to get back to my creative writing. I can't believe how long I just let it sit. I now have a good 17 pages of manuscript where I believe I only used to have 5. I sit here now wanting to get back to it. SO to make a short story even shorter here is a part from chapter 1 it is a flashback memory scene, it has what leads to the memory and what pulls the main character out of the memory. Tell me what you think, transition are I think my worst but then I criticize myself too much.


As we walked I began to think of what had started this all for me; two days ago I had been home visiting with my family and now by no choice but my own I was in a dark desert cave. So much had happened that first day back home, so much had changed.
**********
“Emma!” my sister cried as I walked through the door. “I can’t believe it you home for the whole summer, I missed you so much. I have so much to tell you. We have so much to catch up on.
“Hey Emily, I know we have much to talk about but can I at least put my stuff up and get something to eat first please.” I said with a sigh.
“Of course, take your time we have three months together before you leave again.” She hugged me, she was so happy to see me, as I was to see her.
It had been a long year, because of this summer the seniors had not been able to come home during Christmas so it had been a full year since I had seen my family, well other then my baby brother and fellow 24 Collin I had seen him at school, but my parents and Em I had not been allowed to see for a full year and it sucked. It was weird that Em was the only non-24 in the family but she had been born two years before the explosion and therefore was not a child of the aftermath. I was turning nineteen in three weeks and still had a year left at Banner Academy, Collin was fifteen and had four years left. But Emily was twenty-one and had one more year of college but normal college, not where Collin and I were heading, Banner University, the next step toward the future for the 24’s.
There was a knock on my door and I knew it was Emily. “Come in.” I said with another sigh, I wanted some time alone but I knew I wouldn’t get that till later when Emily and my parents pretended to go to bed. Collin and I were expected to keep our studies up, jut quietly so we didn’t “wake” anyone, like they were asleep, Emily would be reading for fun or watching TV and my parents well I tried not to think of what they did at night.
“Hey Emma, how was your year?” she asked in a shy voice I knew she could tell I wasn’t up to talking yet so she was starting off slow trying to get me to talk first so she could tell me about her fun times at college without feeling so bad.
“You know, same old same old, nothing different, ask again next summer and it might be different with all the being prepared for Banner U and what not.” I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice but I don’t think it worked.
“Emma I know you are having a hard time with all this but look you get to be home all summer and Collin still has to go back in two weeks. You know it will get better at BU I’m sure you will get more freedom there…”she trailed off. No one knew what BU was going to be like my class would be the first attending. “You know I pretty sure college is suppose to be a choice, I’m sure you could go somewhere else if you didn’t want to go to Banner U.” she said with hope.
“I wish it was a choice but what am I going to do at a normal University even if I went to Harvard or Yale or some other school like that I would be bored and ahead of everyone. This next year is the equivalent to the second year at a normal University.” I had no hope of going anywhere but Banner U and everyone knew it.
“Well I’m still sure you will have fun.” Emily was trying to be helpful but we all knew that Collin and I were different and therefore had a different path.
Emily was only a year older then the last group of ‘normal’ children so she knew that normal schools were fading out and being replaced by more Banner Academy’s as where the University’s. It was a sad thing but no one really saw it that way. Everyone said that the 24’s were the future and since an antidote to what caused the whole mess is unlikely to be found we really were the future.
It was weird Emily wasn’t old enough when it happened to remember sleep but she remembers dreaming. She misses it greatly, I think the dreams she remembers is what gives her the hope she has. We talked until she had to go fake being asleep. It was then that I went to my room to study.
I turned the TV on for background noise but the story caught my eye so I turned it up to hear… “Tonight on the midnight news a recap of Emma Stone’s life, for the first time in sixteen years Emma will be away from Banner Academy for three months. Tomorrow an interview with Emma to see how she is handling the time away from the place she has known as home for so long…” the stupid story irritated me so I turned off the TV and found a good station on the radio to listen to instead.
After about a half hour of music the announcer came on I figured he was just going to say what songs were coming up but instead he said something that caught my attention. “Tonight’s songs are all dedicated to the many people that disappeared twenty years ago, they are all missed and it remains a mystery today what happened to them…” the music began after that and it got me thinking, what if I disappeared. I’m so sick of all the attention, can I just vanish. My plan was hatched and I sought to try.
I left that night at about 1am. I ran as fast as I could until I was out of the LA city limits. Then I shifted between running walking and sprinting east towards the Arizona desert the darkest place in the country, no one would ever think to look for me there, I would be safe and able to vanish from the world of the sleepless and 24’s.
“Emma?” I heard Leo call my name and was jerked out of the memory. I could see light ahead so we must have made it into the cave.
©2009 Megan Hubby

Well Then

This month has been stressful and hard and haven't felt like writing either on my blog or my novel. I'm so tired and stressed and just don't want to deal with any thing. I am going to visit my bro in Delaware before I officially move and while I'm there we will be visiting our grandparents on my dad's side who we have not seen in 2 years. this should be an interesting trip. That is really all I can think to get out. Hopefully my brain will start working again soon and the writing juices will return.

I need a Break

I am thinking of going somewhere anywhere I really don't care where. I just know I need a break, that I need to get away and go to some unknown, to me, place to clear my mind. I need to get away from Austin and all the stress that is here and go to a place where I can really relax. Just sit back and breath. Just work on Sleepless. Just have some time off. I want to go for a long time. I want to leave soon and not come back right away. I don't know how long that will really be but even if it is only a week or so it would be better then being stuck here. It is really getting to me that I am back in my parents house, I mean yes I want to work with them and learn from my dad and do what he says so that in four to five years I can retire, that would be sweet, but I know that it is not going to happen if I don't get a chance to clear my head. I need to just relax and not think of the things I need to do. I really need time to just do what I want to, I have been working so much if not school actual work and now I just want to be a kid. I cut my childhood short by going to Europe and then needing a job to pay for when I got back and pretty much ever since I got that job I was no longer a child, I had to schedule my fun at least two weeks in advance and that is a really hard thing to do. Part of me wishes I could go back to those carefree days of childhood, you know when you are four or five and don't really have any responsibility but people can understand what you're saying and might even listen to you. But there is a fine line in that. I want to be carefree but I have seen too much and know too much to ever go back to that, the best I can really wish for is some carefree time where I go somewhere and just relax and not really plan anything, just do whatever I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. I am going to try really hard to get this break, cause I really need and really want it. I am even thinking of places, within the US(I do have a passport I am just thinking of cost), that I would like to go. Places I have never been, which is quite a lot so it is not that hard on that part. All I really have to do is come up with the money and convince my parents this will be good for me and help me work better and more efficiently when I get back. It could work, I am an adult they can't really prevent me from doing what I want. I guess time will only tell if this is something I can really do.

Sleepless

This is a new direction I am thinking of going with ,my novel. I wrote this yesterday and think it will be a better beginning. I am thinking of making it chapter one though right now it is only two paragraphs.


I’m running, running, running. My lungs are burning; I can feel as my last breaths escape the depths of my lungs. It is so dark the sun disappeared hours ago. I had to get away, I had to get out of that place, I was sick of it, and it was killing me slowly from inside out. I felt like I was dying now but I knew it was the loss of breath. The sand beneath my feet was finally cooling; my feet no longer burned the soles. I knew I had a difficult journey ahead when I started and it was almost over. Running was what I was best at and although I could run forever I could feel my body weakening, it was a strange feeling and at first I could not tell what was happening it took me many hours to figure out that my energy level was depleting. I was out of water and food; I was in the desert running from society, running from the world. I saw the hole in the mountain and picked up my pace I was nearing a place of shelter a place I could stop, possibly I place I could call home, I was so close and then my foot caught on a rock, down I went and everything went dark…

I opened my eyes to two men standing over me, one much older than the other; they looked related, maybe father and son. Then I remembered where I was; who could live out here, no one lived out here, have I been found, are they going to drag me back? So many questioned ran through my head. My head hurt, my back hurt, I hurt all over, the ground was hard and I wanted to sit up. I was dizzy and weak and looking around knew I had not tripped on a rock, from what I could tell I must have just fallen. The younger of the two men step back as the other came closer to me. There were so many other questions and thoughts going through my head that I was unsure what to think of the man walking towards me. He looked kind and like he wanted to help me, but I did not know what was wrong with me, I did not know it I was injured badly or why I had even fallen in the first place. The man knelt down next to me and looked into my eyes. He felt my forehead and grabbed my arm revealing the huge scrap that was on it, blood dripped down my arm and was making a puddle in the sand; my arm was also sticky as sand mixed with the blood and stuck to my arm. My knees were also scrapped but not bleeding. The older man next to me looked at the younger and the younger handed him a bottle of water; the older man poured the water on my arm and then handed me another bottle to drink. I was still dizzy and light headed but the water definitely helped.

Well life is just blah

Jon left Wednesday night for California. He will be back to get some more stuff but for the most part he is gone. I am going to visit him for my spring break but that is not until March 15th, such a long way away. But funny thing is he got stopped by a cop and then when I asked him where he was he had no clue what state he was in I think he was in New Mexico because he was out of Texas but very little chance of being in Arizona but he did get stopped for speeding so I never know, when I call tomorrow at 2:30pmish and he's already in California I will have to say he was in Arizona. This has been hard for me though, I am proud that I haven't cried since the night he left but I know it's gonna happen again eventually.

I'm looking at schools in Arizona and California, more California but being in AZ would be better then being in Texas, I could drive to see him on weekends. Really I'm only looking at ASU (Arizona State University) and SJSU (San Jose State University), SJSU more because it is in the city that Jon will be living in but I have to do it for me, Jon doesn't want me to move for him, so I am moving for school and he is a bonus. I've been looking at SJSU and I think I will like it way better then UT. I will end up taking a semester off but I think that will really do me some good, I'm so sick of school right now that I think if I don't take a break I will end up not finishing and I would rather finish a semester later then not at all.

I've written more in my novel not very much but I just don't have the time anymore. I will get to it and it will be better for me being ready in not in the state of slight writers block I have right now.

I just realized..

That I haven't thought about my novel in over a month. It is sad. I know it is because of of the stuff going on with Jon but still I need/want to get back to my writing. And that is what I am going to do while Jon is away this week and then when he is there permanently. I am going to get back to the main reason I started this blog to share bits and pieces of my novel and to encourage myself to keep writing. I think it will be helpful. I mean I was stuck, I had come to the part where I needed to build the romantic relationship between the two main characters but had no romantic experience myself, now going through all that I have been through in the last three month I should be able to get at least a bit more out. And I just realized a good thing for me going out to Cali with Jon my novel is based in AZ but Emma is from Cali and will end up back there to face the evil Lord Banner, so me knowing the state a little better will be a help for my writing. I lived in AZ for two years and was just there last summer visiting a friend. So I know AZ quite well, I miss AZ so much actually, the weather the environment I just miss it. I was so happy there and didn't even realize it until I left, I was 12 and so excited to be going back to my home in Texas that I didn't realize how much i loved AZ and my life there. That is why my novel is set in AZ, because I miss it so much, writing about it helps me relive it, though I lived in Phoenix not Tucson I just couldn't set my novel in Phoenix that would have been to much. When I saw Twilight and the beginning was in Phoenix and I recognized the streets and the city it was a very happy sad moment. It is a little thing, but writing makes me happy and distracts me from what is going on in the real world so getting back to it will be a big help. I really can't believe I let it slip so far away from me, I don't even carry the spiral I'm writing it in around with me anymore. I must get back to my writing and I will do it.

I wish I had more Time

I have been unable to work on my novel for over a month now, and when I tried to work on it today I was stuck. I had no clue what I had been planning; I had to sit and think, I'm actually still thinking of where I was going with it. I want to get back to writing but it is so hard to find the time, again I wish I could be a sleepless from my novel cause then I wouldn't need sleep, heck I wouldn't be able to sleep, but I am not and I require sleep and it seem that I am in need of more sleep lately, I am exhausted and really don't know why. Oh well I only have a few weeks of class left and then I get a two month break, a much needed two month break.

Well I Tried

I really did try to keep this blog happy and way from the depressing part of my life that has claimed my life for the past two years, that's why I made it for my life in college and my novel, knowing the novel would just be a fun thing to blog about and hoping college life would be better. Well I haven't been able to work on my novel for about a month now and life in college wasn't what I was hoping for. It's new it's a change it all started good. I needed a change I needed new, I've had good experiences with the roommate for the first time, she is actually now never here, I am doing okay in my classes, I have made some friends, but not like my old I never hang out with these friends I am trying to become more social and it's just not happening. And then there's the love life, the guy. It was another thing I needed, I had been alone for so long it's good to have someone, but now some of the most retarded things are pissing me off. I mean it's been about a month, and I could really care less if he wants to go get drunk with his friends, or like last night complete and total strangers, but that's what made me mad at him last night. He went out to party and I was unable to see him. I spent my night pissed off trying to distract myself in my dorm until a reasonable time to go to bed, why he was out getting drunk, oh and I let him know how pissed I was, the thing he called today to try and work things out and it did nothing, I am still pissed at him and maybe even more then I was last night. The thing is I really do like him and don't want to stop seeing him, that's why I got so mad that's why I feel like I can express that anger to him, I feel safe with him and I care about him, and I want to see where things go, but he is making it hard, I don't think he understands some of the things I tell him, I don't think he gets what I tell him. I want this to work, I need this to work, but I don't know how much more I can take, I had such a crappy and depressing two years that I can't let it continue, I am working on making my life better and at least for now I believe Jon is part of that, but if I can't get him to understand what I am telling him, I can't see us together for much longer and that makes me sad, I feel that I am doing this to myself, that I am getting mad and upset over nothing, that I am unconsciously ruining this but then I also feel that I am the only one trying that I am the one planing and finding times for us to see each other and from when we first meet to now that is a big difference, he pestered me on IM for two or three days to meet him in person, and when it looked like we would only be able to see each other on weekends he asked me to let him know if I would be free during the week, and now it's me trying to find the time for us to get together. Right now he thinks I'm not mad at him anymore but he's wrong I'm still mad and will continue to be mad until I can really talk to him about what is going on in my head, which I refuse to do over IM or the phone, and with my busy week and weekend I have no clue when that will be, let's just hope for both Jon and my sakes the time away for me to think will let this whole mess in my head end happily because I won't be able to handle anything if I lose what I do have with him.

(SO GOING TO POST MORE THEN 12 TIMES THIS MONTH! YAY! SOMETHING HAPPY IN MY BLOG OF DEPRESSION)