Unsure of Things

So I finish school in about 6 weeks which is great. I started this blog back in my first year at university and now four years later I am almost done. I am so glad to be this close to finished and I am really looking forward to having more free time. The problem is that as I get closer I will have more time to write and heck maybe more to write about on here but once I'm done my title kind of goes with it. Now I know it is just a title and hey I will be back in college again in a few years when I go back for my Masters but that will be a while. SO for now I am unsure if I will continue the blog under current name, rename, or just close down and maybe start a new blog with a title that will last longer. Like I said I am unsure, I'll figure it out but untill I do post will continue to be few and far between.

Remembering

I just got an email because I got a comment on a post I wrote over a year ago. It was written when I was in that deep dark place of not knowing where the hell my ex was and I forgot how good of a dark writer I am. I had to go back and read the piece because from the comment I could not remember what the post was and from reading man I gotta say I really like my dark depressing suicide writing. That and my other really dark pieces seem to be some of my best work, now my novel has me stuck, it does have a dark element to it but I am also trying to add a romance to it and that is giving me some trouble. I think it is because although I was happy with my last relationship it ended very badly and well looking back it wasn't much of a healthy relationship anyways so in the big picture I don't really know how a good relationship should form and how it should work without copying from others and I don't want that it is sad to say that I am inexperienced when it comes to relationships and I admit it is at my own hand but still it is hard for me to write what I don't know. I can write dark and depressing because that is what i have been living for the past few years, but a happy romance it just not working but it is not something I want to cut out. Which is why I am stuck with the novel, because I have to write start to finish and I am at the point where the relationship needs to build and get going I am at odds of what to have happen. I might try adding a darker spin on the romance but I'm not sure that that is what I want.

See I am in a better place then when I stopped writing my last try at a book based on a short story I had written but stopped that one because I took a wrong turn in the plot and had to set it aside to get the fantasy sci-fic out which is why I chose to write 'Sleepless: the story of the 24'. And being stuck on that one is leaving me in a weird place. I want to write and I want to work on Sleepless but I'm not sure how do move forward. I don't want to abandon another novel(not that I really did with the first it is just on hold) and I'm not going to. But I'm really stuck. Maybe I should write some dark prose and see if I can either but them in the novel or have it help me find the romance I need, because really even if I turn the love between Leo and Emma it to something dark it is still a romance and still adds to the story and it may just make it that much better of a novel. Then I will try to do a more normal romance with my first on which deserves to have happy/light/romantic/out of this world romance, Emma has to save the world from her evil father, while Izzy(Isabel) has a completely normal life in a small town nothing strange and weird happening there(plus it takes place way before the sleepless so even if it was the same world Izzy's world is years in the past). But anyways that book will come later and right now I am stuck trying to get Sleepless right. Well writing does take time.

Why is this happening

Why is life going this way?
Why was he all I could think about for the last few weeks?
Why is he back?
Why is all this happening?
Over a year has past
It's been over a year
He's been in and out of my life
In and out
In and out
I don't know how much more of this I can take
But life goes on and I have to deal with this
I have to deal with all of it
I have to deal with it all
I have to keep going and I have to talk
To him
To people
To myself
I have to talk about it.

I can't even believe it

So I got a text at work today from someone I use to work I guess you would still call us friends just with my hours and school I have no time to do anything other than school work and family time/ time to relax and try to write. Anyways back to the text she was asking for Jon's number I was confused and asked why she said she thought he was texting her and it was him before I could give her his number he had confirmed to her that he was him(that sounded really confusing but it is how it happened) anyways I was then confused to why he was texting her and not me and then she sent me a text from him about an email I had sent back in May the last time he was in town and he took it the wrong way plus he had tried to send me emails but I haven't gotten them. Well I said she could give him my number, he claimed he had lost it, and he texted me saying Jessie, my friend, said he needed to call me but he wasn't in a place where he could and I was ok with that since I was at work, anyways turns out he is moving back to Austin, that's right I said moving back to Austin. I'm shocked, surprised, and have a ton of other emotions running through my head and that still can't explain all that I'm going through with that little news. I hoping to be able to talk to him more and see what this really means but still I can't believe it and don't exactly know how to deal with it.

I think I'm good now

I sent Jon an email yesterday telling him that when he is in town we can only hang out and nothing farther because it is all I can handle emotionally. I haven't heard back but I told him if he was going to reply to take some time to think. I feel better and yet worse at the same time. Because although I know it is not good for me when we sleep together I don't want him to stop wanting to see me, we are suppose to be friends and it was more like friends with benefits and now I know I can't handle being friends with benefits and that we should just be friends. It is a whole lot of mess, because really I still have feelings for him and wish it could be more, but being in reality I know better than that so I just got to hope we can really be friends even when there is no sex.

Bad Habits and Other Things

I have had some very bad habits as of late. I have wanted to post for a while but have kept pitting it off. I have had stuff to post but just couldn't get myself to post. I think part of it is because I have been pretty busy but for me that is no excuse since I do sit in front of my computer for hours a day if it be on facebook or hulu watching TV shows I missed, if I have time to do that I have time to post on here. But still I procrastinate on posting.

A lot has been going on. My cousin is getting married in less then a month and I went to her bridal shower last Sunday. It was fun. It did not serve its intended purpose though. My cousin had not wanted her mother or my mother there so that I could get to know some people so that I would not only know family at her wedding, well here mother cried and ended up going which meant my mother had to go for language control on my aunt, see my cousin who just turned 22 is marring a man who I believe is 50 I'm not positive on his age I just know he is closer to my dad's age then mine. Well the rest of the family can clearly see that she loves him and even though we worry about her know that she has made the choice and is happy with it. So we leave it at that. I got to go shopping with her to get dresses for the wedding and the rehearsal and that was fun other then the shoes I was wearing killed my left heal, but got new ones and I'm all set for the wedding.

I have a baby shower to go to today. A co-worker is due in April and so it is that time. She is my age and there was a lot of stress and drama in the beginning but now everyone has accepted it and are ready to welcome Makayla, but since it is the director's son's girlfriend that is due I'm sure you can see why there was drama. Both parents work at the center. It should be fun.

Now this part is what I've really been debating about posting. I use to post most things about this but I was unsure for a while now weather I should. I finally deiced that I would. It does however show another bad habit. You all know my ex disappeared and then ended up moving to Japan, well he has visited Austin quite often since then. First time I knew about was the July after when I was still in a deep dark depression. Then he came to Oklahoma/Austin for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He came for a few weeks in January. And he just recently has come for SXSW. Well while he was here for that long two month span we hung out once. It was at his place there was drinking involved we did stuff we shouldn't and I had been confused about it ever since. I tried to talk to him about what happen but that didn't help and I pretty much just left it. I didn't email or text him and I had no plan to do so anytime in the future. Well he texted me the weekend of my cousin's shower. It was Saturday morning I had nothing to do. At first it was just this and that about him being stranded the night before but then he invited me over to hang. It was early but I didn't have any else to do so I went. It stated off all innocent. I sat on one side of the couch he sat on the other we caught up on what was happening in each others lives as we semi watched TV. Then we decided to watch a movie. I went and picked Zombieland. Once the movie was in he pulled me onto his lap, well since he was laying down I was really just laying on top of him. Well we watched the movie, during it he playfully fake but my neck, but he did kiss me at some point during it and there was some inappropriate touching on his part. Well after the movie stuff happened that probably shouldn't have and even though I knew I should be stopping it I didn't. After this happening twice, once in December and once a week ago I can see it happening every time that I see him as long as I'm not with someone else. It is a bad habit that I really should not get caught up in. But he still makes me feel good when I'm with him and some of the things he say are confusing as hell. We were talking about how I had gotten hot as in I felt overly warm the last time I had seen him since I was really drunk at the time, well he then said 'you're always hot' which is a nice compliment but it confuses things, now not saying that I don't still find him attractive I do and always will but I never verbalize and he does. Then I was telling him how my cat woke me up during a dream that I did not want to be woken form because it was a dirty dream and a very good one, he asked if it was about him and when I said no he asked 'why are you having dirty dreams about other people you should only have them about me" We have been broken up for almost a year now I could be dating someone else so that was really weird too to hear him say that. It like he wasn't ready but he was the one who ended the relationship. I was dished a whole lot of confusion and I don't know how to handle it.

FREAKING OUT!!!

I just got a text from Jon not to long ago which means he is in the USA but what it really means is that he is here in Texas about a 20 minute drive from me. I am FREAKING OUT, to say the least. I know that if I see him while he is here which I'm pretty sure I will it will be for lunch or something and be as a friends only thing and a way for me to a real goodbye and as much as my brain knows this my heart won't give up the hope that it holds onto. I know rationally and in my brain that as long as Jon lives in Japan there is no way for us to work and since he is there indefinitely as far as I know it means I need to more on. But good god is that hard, I mean I still have feelings for him and care about him and I want him to be happy which he seems to be in Japan so I am truly happy for him, but I hurt, and I hurt a lot. It's hard not to cry when I think about him good memory or bad. At first there were just tears and they would last a while now there are sobs but I can cut it off easier. This is hard, I want to see him so much, just being able to see him again would make me so happy, but knowing that it means different things for him hurts, knowing that it will be most likely the last time I see him hurts, knowing I will only get IM convos after this hurts. I am sick of hurt but willing to bring it on to see him again. Part of me wishes and hopes that he will see me and remember how he felt and how much he really missed me, but I have to keep that part quite and not think like that cause it will only hurt me more in the end.I wish things were different but know that they can't be. Just talking to him through texts from his old TEXAS number hurts showing how fast his whole move was he never changed his number. I wish it could be like it use to be when I see him but I know it won't be, part of me knows I should not see him cause it is too soon but that part won't win I will see him, he asked me if I wanted to get together for lunch, that has to mean something. Part of me still thinks he cares and is hurting too hiding it from me like I hide most of my pain from him but I can't think that way cause I'm not in his mind and I'm already putting myself in for enough hurt. I ave no clue how this will turn out I can only hope that it doesn't send me too far back in the healing process.

Life is crazy

So life is weird and crazy. I talked to Jon today you know the whole trying to be friends thing. Well he IMed me first I saw him sign on and waited and he said hi first and we talked for about an hour. He is going to be in Texas in a few weeks I think not sure he never said when he was actually coming but he wants to visit his family he hasn't seen them I think since he moved anyways he asked me to lunch or something when he is here and of course I said yes, I am looking at it as a real goodbye because the I got before he moved sucked cause it was a see you later that got turned into a goodbye when he decided to move to Japan. It will help if I can start a relationship before he comes here because it will be easier to tell myself that we are just two friends having lunch. I know this will be weird for me but if I get my real goodbye it will be so helpful in the moving on process.

In other things yesterday was my mom's birthday. Since it was a Sunday nothing was really that different other then going out to lunch. She had a very relaxing birthday and when she got on the Wii fit it even wished her a happy birthday.

Well Then

This month has been stressful and hard and haven't felt like writing either on my blog or my novel. I'm so tired and stressed and just don't want to deal with any thing. I am going to visit my bro in Delaware before I officially move and while I'm there we will be visiting our grandparents on my dad's side who we have not seen in 2 years. this should be an interesting trip. That is really all I can think to get out. Hopefully my brain will start working again soon and the writing juices will return.

Blankness

I am so out of it right now. Jon agrees with me that his moving was a big part but he said a part. We are emailing now so it is easier to communicate and we are trying to be friends and talk about the mundane things that go on in our life. I can't really think clearly and I might be moving to Dover to stay with my brother and his wife. I need the change and think it will help. I will be helping them move and staying with them for a while and during that time I will make the decision to move or not. My life is one big ball of confusion and I hope I can figure things out soon.

The years go By

So much has happened to me this year. About this time two years ago I was in a lot of trouble, not with the law or anything but I could have been. I had an eating disorder and ate nothing for two weeks straight and then went to babysit for Aidan everything was fine nothing happened I feed him dinner and put him to bed. I had my mom's car cause at the time I had no car of my own and my parents didn't really care what time I got home cause it was summer and I had no school. I still don't really know why I didn't eat for those two weeks but I do know why I started eating again. Nothing went wrong while Aidan was awake but once he went to bed I fell asleep on their couch but only for about an hour because his mom got home. Now I had been pretty good friends with his mother for a while at this point I mean I was barely 17 and she trusted me with he completely I had picked him up from daycare because she was working late and her soon to be husband was out of town. When she got home and woke me up to leave I could not really move, my legs felt like jello and I knew it was not safe for me to drive. Jen made me eat a granola bar and drink some power aid but my body could not process it fast enough to be able to let me drive safely. I spent the night and in the morning and then later on another time after I had babysat we talked about what happened that night. At that point in my life I wanted nothing to do with my parents but I was stuck I still had a year of high school and it wasn't like I could just move out. Jen was what got me eating again she had to make sure her son would be safe and he was something I wanted to keep safe too and didn't want to just out of his life so for Aidan and Jen I began eating again and just going on with my life.

About this time last year I was in an even worst place even though I was about to go to college and be on my own I had never had a relationship and I was scared. I was in a bad place mentally and knew I needed help but was to proud to get it. It took me till October to get help and by then I knew and was dating Jon. He helped me get through a lot of stuff. Now he is gone and I would say I am in a worse place then last year just a more confusing one. I am over Jon for the most part but I am still left with questions and Jon is the only one who can answer them. So I'm left waiting which I am so very used to but I still feel in this weird place which is seeming like a normal thing that is going to happen summer after summer, well hopefully just while I'm living with my parents.

And Life Goes On

Life goes on. After all that has happened life goes on. I am in such a weird place right now. I am very confused, even though I have accepted that Jon and I are over I can only guess and assume to the reason. I can only think that it is because he has to be in Japan for a while and that is too hard for both of us, the time difference is to much, we would hardly get to talk. So I get that it is over, and for the most part I'm okay with that. It's hard I loved him, still love him, will always love him. He was my first real relationship and those feeling will never go away. Right now my heart and brain are torn do I move on right away have a rebound guy and continue with my life or just wait for a while. I guess I just got to go with my gut feeling. I can't put my life on hold forever but I don't know if I am ready to move on. I still think about Jon ever day, part of it is my wanting him and the feelings I have for him and part of it is wondering if he will answer my questions and tell me the real reason why he doesn't want to be with me. I deserve and I am willing to wait however long it takes him to answer. Life goes on and I must move with it. I am taking it one day at a time cause that is all I can handle. I will get through this, even though right now it seems very hard and long. I will get through this and truely move on with my life eventually.

Kids, Loss, and a Hermit Crab

So life has been crazy lately. I have no clue how to handle all the crap that is going on. A day after I first heard from Jon I bought a hermit crab. I don't know why I just wanted to so I did. I am having a hard time dealing with Jon's move to Japan and what it means for us. I can't get over losing him that way. We agreed not to break up when he moved to California for a reason but now that he is in Japan it is just too much, for both of us. I mean we could try but it is just not worth it. I still have questions for him that I want him to answer, it may take some time to get the answers but I'll wait as long as I need to for it. This is hard on me, and i really don't know how to deal.



I took Aidan again for an afternoon. We had fun at the park again and at a place called Jungle Java. He is such a ball of energy. I got sunburnt but he did not which is good. We watched people fish, played in the sand, on a playground, with a soccer ball. It was such a nice day after everything going on in my life it was a great way to not think about what was going on in my life.

So I think it's over

If Jon gets his way it is. Well at least for now. I going to keep trying and fighting as long as he will let me. I miss him so much, but it looks like he will be in Japan for a while and that he can't handle that distance and time difference so for now it looks like we are over. But I'm not ready to let go which I know is bad but I will try and keep hoping for a little longer.

Well I didn't seee this one coming

So I woke up this morning and did what I normally do, turn on my instant messenger to check my email and to my surprise I have a message waiting for me from can you guess, no no you can't it was from Jon. So many different emotions flooded me as I went to read it. it said...

i want to apologize about not being in touch with you, i've been stationed here in japan and life has been too crazy for me, i've lost two relatives and lots of work drama plus my japanese is so rusty and horrible that I can't really work too well here. i'm trying to get sent back to the US I've had lots of issues with customs here cause of the stuff i tried to bring over with me and my dog, yes i brought her with me. I'm sorry to have hurt you, please don't waste any more time on me I'm just not worth it right now.

That is the actual message. at first I was happy and ready to take the explanation and just move on with are relationship but then when I hit the last line, well I was mad and upset. I love him and he knows it how can he say he is not worth my time right now. I get that he is having a hard and crazy and confusing life right now and I wish I could be there for him and it hurts me that I can't.I had started to move on I had planed a vacation to help me now I have canceled it I will wait for him to get back to the US so we can really talk because that is what we need, we needed to talk before he left so we really need to talk now. It is not fair to either of us to end what we had because of this and I have told him that, I have no clue when he will get the message but I can only hope he will at least give me that. I have gone through so much in the last two months emotionally and this just adds so much to my confusion. I had even started to talk to other guys and now I hate myself for it. I regret so much right now, I was moving on and I think even though I am happy to know that for the most part he is okay I took two steps back. I miss him so much and he means so much to me that when I read that last line of his message when he doubted his own worth it made me want to fight harder for him. And I just looked at when he sent the message I wasn't even asleep my computer was just off that makes me even madder at myself I could have talked to him last night and I missed my chance. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens, I'm sick of waiting but I will wait until I have had my closure, no matter how this turns out in the end, both Jon and I deserve to be able to at least talk about it and all that has happened.

Yeah, so you think

Wouldn't one think that it would be an easy thing for a writer to do something they do a lot, about themselves. I mean every time I go to write anything I describe so much and in such good detail that I get the images I want to come out. So why is it so hard to describe myself? I mean every time someone asks me to describe myself I go blank. What do they want to know, what do I want them to know? Plus a million other questions run through my head making me think how to I do this, how to I describe myself. I just don't get what I should say, what I should tell them. It is all very confusing to me.

Thinking Clearly

I am really amazed with myself that i can think clearly and rationally while going through this, it is a weird out of body kinda thinking but hey at least it is more logical. I mean of course my action reflect little to mostly none of this thinking and it is only for brief periods of time, like last night when i was walking to my final i was like 'wow i was really out of it a moment ago when writing that depressive rant i know that those feeling are there and want to come through and by letting them i am probably helping myself more so might as well let it but wow i need to write some not so depressing thing soon', and then i did. I felt oddly rational last night, and i don't know why. I felt the need to explain my feeling more and really why should i , i know why i hurt so much and i am doing a really good job dealing with it, i mean my family has no clue how this is really hurting i am really good at the whole putting on a show most think i am just irritated and aggravated and pissed off at Jon for being a jerk, they don't know or realized that i still worry that i still hurt for him, they truly think i am over him and for a while i thought that too, i mean i was telling myself that, it will take me a really long time to get over Jon i think i really never will, but i am waiting for the point where it is not as hard for the point that i can start to sorta move on. i mean right now every time i try to more on it just hurts more, i regret it and feel guilty thinking about what he will say if he comes back when he comes back, so it makes moving on really really hard. I mean it is almost to a point that i wish he had just broken up with me when he moved, at least then there would have been closure, i have had no closure how can i truly move on, i don't see how that is possible, i almost feel that i am going to be stuck in this weird phase for a really long time or until he appears to give me closure, or even to fix everything again. I don't really know what it take i guess only time tell, for now i am just glad that even if I don't listen to myself all the time, i am at least thinking rationally sometime, my mind is clear of the confusion and i can see things clearly if only for a few moments.

Regret and Pain

Inside there is nothing, nothing at all only dark empty space. Alone in the dark that is what I am alone. There is no one, no one to help me, no one to save me. Darkness takes hold of everything. I am empty. I am dark. I am not me. I can’t make it through this, I can’t stand this. I have not many option in what lies ahead of me. As I see it I can either, stay and get over it, leave and get over it, or die. I can throw myself into work and forget about love all together, but how will that help, this is why I am leaving school, I need a break, time off from everything, but I have hit an age where I can’t have that, it is not allowed. I can just go living a day at a time but I am sick of that, I hate that the future that I was able to picture has vanished, it was there and now is gone again. I want that back but know that it won’t, no matter what I tell myself or what happens until he comes back to explain himself I will have pain. It will not go away, I have a hole, a really big hole and I cannot patch it myself, I don’t even think I have the will power in me to find someone to help me get over it. I just miss what I had so much, I want it back and I can’t have it, I can’t have that happiness back and it hurts. Every day that goes by another piece dies, another part of me goes black, I can’t stop it and part of me doesn’t want to, there is a part of me that wants to go all dark and black and just let go, just die. I am dying emotionally every day I don’t hear from him and I can actually feel me physically getting weaker like before I found him but worse because I know now what I have lost, before him I had no clue I didn’t know someone could or would see me that way, see me as their girlfriend and when it happened when he said those words it made me happy truly happy something I had not been since I was very young and innocent, and then it was all gone without warning and now the pain is so much that yes before it was physically affecting me but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now, now I feel like I am dying on the outside as well, like my body is giving up along with my heartbreak, I had never experienced love and now I have and losing it hurt, it hurts a lot. I can’t explain it truly you have to live through it and it is not something I would wish on anyone. But there are things I do know and can explain. I do know that my body is giving up, each day it hurts more, my chest, my arms, my legs my head, everything. At first I thought I was sick and for all I know I am but I know I hurt before I found him but not like this and when I found him I could ignore the hurt so well that it went away and then he left and now that I have truly excepted that the hurt the actually physical hurt has come back and ten times stronger, I use to be able to forget about it, even before him, but now every day I feel it and every day it gets worse. I know all I have done for the last few days is sit and read and maybe write now and again and so you would think I would feel less pain but no I feel more, that is how I figured out it was tied to him, how I knew it was because I had lost what I loved. If he comes back he is going to have a lot to explain and a lot to pick up after, I don’t even really know if there will be enough of me left to fix or if I will be too far gone, they say time heals all wounds but I don’t see it healing me, I have been hurt too much by him and by my own thinking and the lack of my own self worth, I was broken before he found me and he had all but fixed me I was so close to being whole and now I am worse off and I hate him for that and yet there is still a part of me and a big part of me that loves him still, I can’t explain why, it could be because there was no warning and he just disappeared, it could be because I know deep down that he is out there somewhere freaking out not being able to contact me, not being able to tell me what is going on with. There was nothing that explains his disappearance nothing at all no warning signs not a thing. It makes it harder to hate him and easier to hate myself for the message I have let and the things that I have done, even though everyone I know would not blame me for any of it I don’t even think he would blame me for any of it, yet here I am hating myself wanting everything to go back three months and take back those words I told him, take back saying ‘I love you’ take it back and see how it changes this whole mess, hoping that it would be better now, hoping he would still be in my life, but I can’t go back, I can’t change a thing I have to live with my choices. I have to live with the guilt and the shame and the hate and the regret. I have to live with it all, live with the pain, and the hurt, and the loss, I have to live with everything. I made my choices and I will live with them. It is all I can really do for now, there are still people that need me, my little brother most of all, my parents, my older brother and his new wife, I still have people counting on me to go through life, Jen and Aidan, they still need me and I guess there part of me still needs them too, I hate to rely on people it is part of what is making this so hard for me I have never felt like I have needed someone the way I needed Jon, the way I still need him. I need his arms around me to help me hold myself together to help me through this and he is not here, he will never be here again as far as I know and I need him so much more then I have ever felt like I have needed him before, and I still don’t get it, I am so independent that I don’t get why I need him so much why I feel I need the unconditional love that little Aidan gives me, why I need the disjointed love or whatever it was that Jon gave me, why I still crave for him to give me that, for why I still want him and wish for him to tell me that he loves me too, for why still although it has been two month I can’t move on and every time I try I just regret it more and hate myself more, how I read one of my favorite book series and wish I was back with Jon wish that I could have the love that the two main characters feel, hoping that like last year when I was in the depths of depression it would distract me and save me but see how it is doing the opposite but still can’t stop reading it, knowing that it is doing more harm than good but not caring not giving a shit what it is doing to me emotionally. I have to keep living that is all I really know, that and that there is a part of me that as my physical state weakens and my emotions continue to run amuck, a part that gets stronger as I get weaker that is ready to just give up and I almost feel that it will win, I am running out of strength and I can only hold on for so much longer, I need another savoir and I don’t want to look anymore, I want the original to come back and I have very little hope left of that happening, so I will just have to continue to push myself and fight that part for as long as I can, hoping that one day I will be able to hope that I will make it through this and that I will one day be able to put it behind me, but for now that is nowhere in sight and I just have to keep fighting as long as I can, as long as my body will last.

Almost Done

With less then a week left of class and only two finals I am feeling good that this school year is almost over. I have had my personal drama and what not but the actual first year of college is so close to being over. I have decent grades in most of my classes and the few i don't I have opportunity to bring them up. I am ready to be done for a year. I am ready for my break. I am ready to get to work on building my financial freedom and success. I have two weeks left in my dorm and then it will be back to my parents, which I would normally not be excited about but with the circumstance I'm in I actually ok with it, I mean I get to work and make money and they will not make me pay rent or for food, I get to save the money I make for when I move out to Arizona and I will still be making money when I move and not have a "real job" I get to focus on studying and fun. My life is working out even though just a few short weeks ago I thought it would not. I mean I still miss Jon and no matter how hard I try to keep him off my mind it doesn't seem to work, but I'm working on it and it will take time to get over, I loved him, still love him and that is not something that just goes away. I am trying to see other people to help with that but it's hard to know what I want with things ending but not really ending, I kinda feel like I am cheating on him even though he is no longer part of my life, for all I know he is stuck somewhere that has no contact to the outside world worrying what I think has happened to him, but then he could just be being a jerk, i don't know and that is the problem. Oh well everything will work it's self out eventually.

So that is it for now, school almost over and trying really hard to move on with my love life.
Aidan's Day to come soon.

China of all Places

So last Tuesday the last thing I heard from Jon is I'm going to get drunk. He is in California has been for almost two weeks. Well I needed to talk to him so I told him I would call him later, I had told him to call before that and someone who had the same phone picked it up and texted me back and it was confusing and when everything got worked out the last thing I hear from him is he is going to get drunk. Well I call him before I go to bed to tell him on his voice mail that I will call him the next day to talk. So the next day Wednesday I text him and then nothing. And then the same on Thursday and nothing, and then Friday nothing, and the same Saturday and again on Sunday by Friday I was freaked. I had no clue if he was dead alive ok not ok. I even said I would call his mom if I did not hear from him by tomorrow, and then the cosmos came to my aid and he was on yahoo when I got back from class today. Relief swept over and I hung up the phone with my mother to talk to him. He told me he was in China, China of all places. So I ask him why he is in China, well of course it was for work and it must have been on Wednesday cause that was the day I lost contact. He was asked if he was still packed from moving, and since he is living on someones couch of course he is still packed, he said yes and was handed a ticket to China to go promote a game. Well his phone doesn't work over there so he has gotten none of my calls or texts and when I told him I was going to call his mom he freaked. He is happy and healthy and having a good time in China and I am no long in a state of stress and worry. It was 4:30am tomorrow there and it was the first time he got to use a computer for non work purposes and I could not be happier, cause I did not want to call his mother and I wanted him to be ok. So my week of stress is over and things are good. But how random was his trip to China? I mean like bam he is in China. This is going to be a crazy new life. I am going to talk to my adviser tomorrow to talk about transferring and the best way to do that. I never saw my life going this way but I couldn't be happier that my life is going this way.