Random Things

I am offically finished with school it feels so good to be. I have more free time and have been using it to do a slight edit on my novel before continueing on. and that is really all at the moment.

Unsure of Things

So I finish school in about 6 weeks which is great. I started this blog back in my first year at university and now four years later I am almost done. I am so glad to be this close to finished and I am really looking forward to having more free time. The problem is that as I get closer I will have more time to write and heck maybe more to write about on here but once I'm done my title kind of goes with it. Now I know it is just a title and hey I will be back in college again in a few years when I go back for my Masters but that will be a while. SO for now I am unsure if I will continue the blog under current name, rename, or just close down and maybe start a new blog with a title that will last longer. Like I said I am unsure, I'll figure it out but untill I do post will continue to be few and far between.

Chance to travel

So I am a part of the National Society of Collegiate Scholars and as part of that I have been accepted to have a chance to travel internationally Australia being one of the places to chose from and while I would really love to do it I can't. Don't just because it is expensive I could get a scholarship and probably even save the money if I saved all that was left after bills from my paycheck. No the problem is school. I go to classes year round with a one week break between each ten week term and while it will have me finishing my degree this October it makes it hard to travel like that with a group that has a planed schedule for the time that I would be their. Now if I planed a trip myself it would be different I could plan in the school work my seminars would be the only tricky thing as they are done in eastern time but still it would be possible but not on a group trip like that it just does not work. I really want to do it but it would also require me to take two weeks off work and that would make paying the bills for that month tight. I am sad I cannot go but right now I have to think logically.

I want to be lazy

As we know I have my book back but because of school and work I actually haven't had the time I wanted to work on it. School is the real killer. I am on week 8 of the 10 week term but oh how I wish it were done, though that only gives me a week break before starting two new classes. I have about five terms left after the current one ends which is great but I wish the breaks were longer. I will say that I have been writing in my head, I have a good portion set up I just need put it to paper. I wish I could be lazy and write what I want to write instead of having to write parers. Well the stress should be over in about a year and hopefully I will be able to work on my novel during this year.

Not sure what the title should be but thos is pretty much just a quick update on stuff

So I bought some food from an Austrian goods site and so far I have only tried some jellies and they were good I am waiting to try Vegemite this weekend just in case I don't like it so I have time to make something else for breakfast. The other stuff is mostly chocolate and biscuits.

School has been stressful I don't get enough of a break between terms and it has been getting to me. Plus I am taking finance and I really don't like the class I am definitely not going to be able to the money side of business without help from others it is just not my thing.

And that is all for now.
Peace.

Stuff

So part three really is coming, maybe later today.

In other things, I have until Jan 4 to get my school work for the week done, which is pretty cool. Oh and I only have to work two days this week, but that is because I am getting my wisdom teeth out on Thursday.

And really that is all for now.

Peace.

Lonely

So just for warn everyone this may get a bit dark. I been thinking a lot and I think I can finally write them down.

I've been alone for a while now. My ex and I broke up over a year ago and I cut him out of my life this past September. And that was a good thing it really was. It had to be done or I would still be in and out of this big dark cycle that had been controlling me for the past year. Did you know that even through we were done over a year ago I never really started dating again, looking back I know that is because I hoped we would get back together even though I knew that it would never happen I hoped, which I think is why pretty much as soon as I knew that he had moved back to Austin I cut him out, it took all of a few half asses conversation for me to just say fuck it this is going nowhere and never will I don't want to even talk to you anymore. And you know what I haven't not a word to him since I sent that email back in September(refer to second link I don't feel like linking that post again). And I do feel good about that. I really do.

However it doesn't keep me from thinking about him, wishing could have happened differently. I know it doesn't matter and I can't change anything but still. We had sex back in May before I knew he was moving back probably before he knew he was moving back and well even with having been on the pill for a year and a half I still freaked about the possibility of being pregnant, I know next to impossible, but still I think part of me wanted to be so that he would most likely be in my life forever, having come to my senses I know that would have been a horrible mistake. (Though side note, my BC is awesome after being on it for seven month(a new one the old made me really bitchy) it has taken away that evil monthly visitor, well at least for this past month, and no I have had no sex since May, my BC is just awesome.) Anyways back to the real post. Knowing that would have been the worst mistake of my life I am glad it didn't happen.

And really you what led to this post, well that would be my obsession with Hulu, which to be honest is mostly used to catch up on shows that I miss because I don't get home from work till 8pm but still it's an obsession on my days off. Anyways I was watching the Desperate Housewives that I missed and it showed and ad for a show that had been canceled but that they had all the episodes to watch, so after I finished with Desperate Housewives I went to watch it, the show was Lipstick Jungle and you know it's good, I have now watched all 20 episodes and was happy with it kinda wish I had been watching when it was on TV, though it would have most likely still been canceled, anyways it's about three high powered women living in New York, they also happen to be best friends, and from watching it I realized my friends still suck, which I really only have one friend from high school that I still talk to and I was so out of it the one year I did spend at UT that I never made any friends, it all my fault but still never really made any friends. So really I have no friends. My friend from high school is an over achiever that has like no time to do stuff and I work so much and have school stuff to get done that I am no better than her at trying to find time to hang, plus it's not like I can make new friends through school it's all on the computer and my classmates generally don't even live in the same state. I need to get out more and just don't.

I guess I feel broken most of the time. I don't want to go out by myself but then don't have anyone to go out with. I have mostly only talked to family and my employer for the last year, and I know it's sad but hey that's my life right now.

I did find my ex on the net but I don't think I want to do that again, at least not right now, and I know that having a guy in my life doesn't fix everything but it is something I want. My brother wants me to meet someone when I go visit him over Thanksgiving, I really hope things go good, but I'm not holding my breath, I don't feel like suffocating, which is not me saying I don't think things will go well just that he told my mother not me and well we don't talk very much but if it was really something you would think the would tell me directly and not through my mother, but hey I could be over thinking this I do tend to over think things. I don't I guess I'll just have to wait and see, a little over a week and counting and I'll know. But hey if it doesn't go well or is not the set up I'm thinking it is I will come home and put myself out there again, I really will start dating again.

Ok I think that is it for the darkness.

Sorry no baby pics yet they have not been posted on fb and that is the only way I can get them at least until I go there.

I've been very busy

So I have had a really busy month. My brother and sister-in-law came to visit so we could give them a baby shower I am pretty sure I have said on here that my sis-in-law is expecting but if not I have now, it's a boy Alexander Vincent, of course will have pics when he is born in November. SO while they were here I was not at my computer and that was two weeks ago now, we went to Sea World, and then had the Shower the Sunday they were here it was fun but after there was some drama. See they had already been told they might not get to come because Liz, my sis-in-law, had been to the doctor the Monday before they were suppose to leave for spotting and abdominal pain, they ran test and since they had not heard anything when they were about to board the plane they came. She was fine and everything here, had a little trouble with her getting overheated and have low sugar at Sea World but nothing to bad, until Sunday after the shower when she fainted outside our house. We took her to the hospital and they said she was dehydrated they gave her fluids and said she was fine to head to Arkansas which was the next leg of their vacation and family visiting. Well her mom who had come for the shower was worried so she delayed leaving Austin a bit by stopping and eating before they left, this was Sunday night or technically very early Monday morning and I got a call from my brother asking how to get back to the hospital at 2:30am, handed him over to my mom and went to bed as I had to work the next day. She ended up having some bacterial infection, she was given a prescription and told to wait till the next day on continuing to Arkansas, they waited until that night and left, and didn't have any real problem other then it took six hours to get to Dallas instead of three which meant it took more then nine hours to get to Little Rock. She is okay now and in Arkansas but it was a very stressful crazy weekend.

I have also been working a lot and having much school work to do but I am on the last week of term and then I have a week off so that will be nice. and i think that is all I have for today will try to post more often.

So I don't leave February on a sad note

I only have two weeks left till next term, I got many transfer credits from UT to Kaplan. The US won overall metal count with 37 plus an excellent and exciting Gold Metal Hockey game today between Canada and the US, and I do not watch Hockey I am a American Football/Football(soccer) fan. And in general things are going well. Going to Roundrock next weekend to Aidan his birthday present even though his fourth birthday is not till the 10th.

Now for some pictures.



My spastic cat.


Little Aidan

Reading

The last couple weeks I have read a lot and I mean A LOT. And no not things I should be reading meaning not my text book for school. Now I have A's in both the classes I'm taking so to me it is not a big deal to be reading for fun. I have read five books in just about two weeks. For me this is good and really only took that long because I didn't have as much time to read when I got to the last book. But anyways I've been reading books and blogs and gaining ideas left and right for my own writing. I think I mentioned in my last post that I found my journal from my senior year of high school and although that was only two years ago(wow it just hit me that I have been out of high school for two years) I found the beginnings of my current novel and some very very dark writing that I had written in the whole high school sucks I am all alone thing I was going through. Now the beginning of my novel actually has nothing to do with my novel it was a story I wrote for creative writing that as I tried to turn it into a novel it took a nasty turn and I had to stop.

Now that being said I would love to share it but it is not on this computer it is on my dead one sad I know, it would be very long type for right now. But I have shorter pieces that I am going to share over the next few blog posts.

The first is a short, very short, writing about something backwards it was published in the high school's literary magazine.

Ssecop Gnitirw

The pen on the table is picked up; the cap is removed and brought to the bottom of the page. Moving from right to left words are taken from the page. The scribbles disappear along with the comas, periods, semi-colons, question marks, explanation points, and smudges. Letter by letter words disappear. Half way through the author stops to think. Then again the pen is brought back mid-page and from right to left words disappear. Closer and closer to the top of the page soon only the title remains. The author stops and thinks the title disappears from right to left letter by letter. Another pause the blank paper sitting there the pen in his mouth. The idea is there the concept is good. More time elapses and the idea starts to fade then fully disappears and is gone. The writing process begins.

I feel I need to, and random bits

I really fell I need to post more often. I mean I look at my blog everyday to get to the blogs I read and I really do want to write more and this is my easiest form at the moment at least when it comes to people reading what I write. I've had quite a lot of reader lately and mostly form different countries. Now I do write in a journal type thing but I need to get another one for personal use because the one I have right now is for my exploration into Wicca. And even though that is a personal choice and issue I don't want to mix it with the on going thought I have about my day to day life that I do not wish to share with everyone well anyone for that matter.

Which brings me back to needing to post more. Or at least I feel I need to post more. I don't know I thinks it more I want to post more. For the last few days I've come to look for new post on the blogs I read and have thought to myself 'I need to post' I just finally did that today.

I am excited to say that I am reading for pleasure again, it's been a while and it feels good to escape into a world of fantasy. It makes me want to pick back up in writing my novel but when I just look at my time I have very little time for myself with work and school, and I'm still not in a place to be writing some of the sub-plots of my book, I need to be happier, not that I'm not happy, I'm just not happy enough. I'm also really tired and my brain goes all fuzzy when tired.

I was looking for paper the other day and found my journal for my senior year I didn't even remember writing some of the stuff and reading about things that happened some of it was like 'That happened? I can't believe I forgot about that" Wow what almost two years does to the memory.

I got my new car. That was an exciting experience. Have had it for about 3 weeks. It's an 07 Chevy Equinox. I LOVE IT! It is a dark gray and looks like the picture mostly, mines muddy from having a dirt driveway and it raining for the last three weeks.


On a sadder yet exciting note my older brother passed the test/training he needed to to be deployed. Which is good for his career but sad to think that he could be sent overseas to where it is not safe.

Well I know this had random jumps but it was what what on my mind and it felt good to write again.

Yeah!!!

I started school today. I have already logged into my classes and have plans to do home work tomorrow and this weekend. I am so excited to be back in school and I am so glad I can do it online, yeah to the internet.

In other news I believe I missed I one year blog anniversary it was in September and I was not all here in September.

Other then that realization everything is going great!!! =)

I Think

I think I am going to get back to writing. I am feeling way better about stuff and I start back to school next week so why not start the writing back up as well. I had a great Christmas and hoping to have a great new years as well so I think I am going to start working on my novel again and post more on here. I am ready to get back to work. And it will be starting asap.

I am really into two post a day this month

I am done. My last final is complete and I now have a whole year off of school. Of course i will be working but it is for my parents and it is for what i want to do in life so even if it is stressful i think i can handle it. I am just really excited to not have to deal with learning anymore information that won't really help me, at least now i will be learning stuff to help me in my future. I just can't believe that this year is over. I will be 19 in just over two weeks and so much has happened in this first year of adulthood. It is really hard to mark years by physical year because for me in January my year is just a little over half way through, while in school i still have half of whatever grade i am in to complete and in real life i still have six months until i age a year, so news years for me is more of just a change of date then the start of anything new. I start my year in the summer closer to my birthday, that is the big change for me, that is when my clock of judgment starts again, that is when i really access what happened in the year and what i want to happen in the next. nothing changes for me before then, nothing about me physically really changes till my birthday. On that third day of June that is when I start over.

So yeah I was a little Rash

I know I know two post same day again, but I wasn't really done with the first one, I had an exam to go take and on my way to said exam and before it started I had time to think, and I was hoping my other post would not have been commented on yet but hey this in a little bit of a response to the comment on it so it saves me from writing this twice. okay so that last post actually started as a poetic prose, that is what i writ if i am not writing a short story or novel, i use to be really good at poetry and was once published actually been published a couple times for poetry but the last two where more of the poetic prose you saw in a post earlier 'Blackness', anyways probably still good at it i just hate breaking things into verse so i go more paragraph format. So as i was typing my last post in a word document which i do not normally do it changed from just being a mash of emotions to a blog post that I felt I should share but to be honest even through i do feel that way a lot of the time I realized it is because it is summer, most people get depressed when it is cold and depressing outside but for me it happens well intensifies in the summer, why well best i can figure is because i have nothing to really distract me nothing that i really have to focus on, no learning to take the time and make that free time i have to think become a whole lot less, i kinda realized today that this is why it is really just hitting me now, I mean it has been two months since Jon disappeared and now is when I decide to break down, I mean i would have thought it would have happened sooner but before i had things like school and homework to distract me now yes I have my finals, well final now but i only really need the day of to study so until Saturday i have had totally free days, i had french today it is level 1 french and i took 4 years in high school no real need to study for today, so i have been reading, i enjoy reading and i have been reading the books that really got me into reading, the Twilight Saga, but with reading these books come reading about a very happy couple, which for me was not good, but i was thinking more helped me last year maybe will do the same this also thinking i was okay enough to read about that but I am not but i like the book to much not to read them all and i going for read them in four days which if i can finish Breaking Dawn sometime tonight then i will have successed in reading the Twilight Saga for my fourth time in four days which is a pretty cool thing. I was once in my life time suicidal I can't deny that I can't deny that those thought still don't cross my mind with all that is going on, I think about death a lot more when reading the Twilight Saga's and more now that I am almost nineteen the age the main character stops aging, oh how i wish that were really possible, but it will never make me make a rash decision to actually go through with it I could never i still see myself wanting more out of life then I have gotten in my almost 19 years, I want kids and a husband, it's not going to happen. No matter how out of it i get i could not do that to my little brother he needs me too much right now a reason i am not too upset that i have to move back home for a year because of this whole mess my life has become. I think i was being a little bit to dramatic earlier but hey what good writer isn't, I do appreciate the response it was helpful and just another reason to post so close together, I mean yes I am in a horrible situation right now and yes i am hurt and in pain but I want to try and publish Sleepless and I am not even close to finishing it so I will be around, I go through mood swings and I have been listening to Evanescence pretty much non stop because i can't really listen to happy music at the moment so i am more likely to let out the bad emotions but it is a good thing for me, having this blog to share my emotions even the bad is good for me, like I said in my last post I am very independent and it took me a very long time to tell my parents i was depressed they still don't even know the full extent i just don't want them to know, to worry, i don't need the worry, that is why this is helpful and my friend Jen because although i'm sure she worries about some of the things i tell her she is not going to show me that she is going to show me what i need and help me get through what ever it is that is going on at that time, it frustrates me right now that i haven't had a chance to really talk to her in a while I am going to have to fix that, i think it is part of the reason why i am writing more but the writing is sad and depressing and i haven't been able to really work on sleepless because it is an action pact sci-fi novel with a romantic twist built in and i just can't write about romance right now. I feel like Bella when Edward left her in New Moon but i didn't get a good bye and I am pretty sure my guy is not coming back so I can't look forward to the happy reunion that comes in the end of the book, but i don't live in a book so i really can't expect anything to happen, though i wish i could live in a book make life easier knowing it was all planed out, but i guess less fun, not knowing can be exciting but right now for me it sucks. I think i will be able to be myself a little better when i start to actually work for my parents, when i start the research and start having stuff to do everyday, plus being under the watch of my parents will at least help me keep control on how often and when i freak out and have a break down like i have had for the past couple days. I went out got some fresh air and was able to think more clearly, and again i am not saying my last post was just stress and an outburst i meant every word of it, it is just now as i think of it and the comment i got from it i felt i need to clear some things up and show that i can have some wicked mood swings into the deep dark depths of my depression, I should probably get some professional help and i may get to that it's just that whole independent thing again, I feel like to be myself i have to do it on my own even though rationally i know that that is ridicules that everybody need help sometimes and i should gets some if i feel like i need it. But i guess i am still in a wait and see phase, i want to give myself time and see how it helps. I don't know i am going to try my best to keep living life to the fullest and get over this hump, it will be a great thing to be able to put in a novel or something when i am in a better mood and over this, so i guess that is where i am really at hoping to get over this soon, though i will not push it i will let myself get over all the hurt and pain in the time that it needs.

Almost Done

With less then a week left of class and only two finals I am feeling good that this school year is almost over. I have had my personal drama and what not but the actual first year of college is so close to being over. I have decent grades in most of my classes and the few i don't I have opportunity to bring them up. I am ready to be done for a year. I am ready for my break. I am ready to get to work on building my financial freedom and success. I have two weeks left in my dorm and then it will be back to my parents, which I would normally not be excited about but with the circumstance I'm in I actually ok with it, I mean I get to work and make money and they will not make me pay rent or for food, I get to save the money I make for when I move out to Arizona and I will still be making money when I move and not have a "real job" I get to focus on studying and fun. My life is working out even though just a few short weeks ago I thought it would not. I mean I still miss Jon and no matter how hard I try to keep him off my mind it doesn't seem to work, but I'm working on it and it will take time to get over, I loved him, still love him and that is not something that just goes away. I am trying to see other people to help with that but it's hard to know what I want with things ending but not really ending, I kinda feel like I am cheating on him even though he is no longer part of my life, for all I know he is stuck somewhere that has no contact to the outside world worrying what I think has happened to him, but then he could just be being a jerk, i don't know and that is the problem. Oh well everything will work it's self out eventually.

So that is it for now, school almost over and trying really hard to move on with my love life.
Aidan's Day to come soon.

I don't Know What to Do

So Jon has been in Asia for the past month and the last I heard from him was on March 20th that he was still out of the country and had a big day the next day, then he went to bed, it was 11pm-ish there so it made sense but I got no info on why it was a big day. i think he is still out of the country but not sure where or even if he really is I can only assume because when I call his phone does the same thing it did when he was first in China. But I am still stressing out and I don't want to, I have so much going on with school and I just can't take the additional stress of not knowing where he is and if he is okay, but he must be okay if he wasn't I would have heard, because you always hear the bad news. But it is still so hard I don't know if it is because of the way he left or because he was in California for TWO days, yeah only TWO days before leaving the country and me not being able to get a hold of him. I get he works for a big international company and it makes sense that he be out of the country promoting a game for six weeks which would be this week, this week makes six weeks out of the country, but out of the times that I have talked to him on the 14th they were done with the promoting and were spending a week in Japan to visit well it is going on the second week since then so he should be back unless things changed, which they must have. But I have no clue what to do, I have no clue how to feel, I have no clue anymore. I need help, I need to talk to people, but I want to talk to Jon and I need to talk to Jon, and right now that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. My life sucks ass right now and I want it to stop and be over with.

China of all Places

So last Tuesday the last thing I heard from Jon is I'm going to get drunk. He is in California has been for almost two weeks. Well I needed to talk to him so I told him I would call him later, I had told him to call before that and someone who had the same phone picked it up and texted me back and it was confusing and when everything got worked out the last thing I hear from him is he is going to get drunk. Well I call him before I go to bed to tell him on his voice mail that I will call him the next day to talk. So the next day Wednesday I text him and then nothing. And then the same on Thursday and nothing, and then Friday nothing, and the same Saturday and again on Sunday by Friday I was freaked. I had no clue if he was dead alive ok not ok. I even said I would call his mom if I did not hear from him by tomorrow, and then the cosmos came to my aid and he was on yahoo when I got back from class today. Relief swept over and I hung up the phone with my mother to talk to him. He told me he was in China, China of all places. So I ask him why he is in China, well of course it was for work and it must have been on Wednesday cause that was the day I lost contact. He was asked if he was still packed from moving, and since he is living on someones couch of course he is still packed, he said yes and was handed a ticket to China to go promote a game. Well his phone doesn't work over there so he has gotten none of my calls or texts and when I told him I was going to call his mom he freaked. He is happy and healthy and having a good time in China and I am no long in a state of stress and worry. It was 4:30am tomorrow there and it was the first time he got to use a computer for non work purposes and I could not be happier, cause I did not want to call his mother and I wanted him to be ok. So my week of stress is over and things are good. But how random was his trip to China? I mean like bam he is in China. This is going to be a crazy new life. I am going to talk to my adviser tomorrow to talk about transferring and the best way to do that. I never saw my life going this way but I couldn't be happier that my life is going this way.

Well life is just blah

Jon left Wednesday night for California. He will be back to get some more stuff but for the most part he is gone. I am going to visit him for my spring break but that is not until March 15th, such a long way away. But funny thing is he got stopped by a cop and then when I asked him where he was he had no clue what state he was in I think he was in New Mexico because he was out of Texas but very little chance of being in Arizona but he did get stopped for speeding so I never know, when I call tomorrow at 2:30pmish and he's already in California I will have to say he was in Arizona. This has been hard for me though, I am proud that I haven't cried since the night he left but I know it's gonna happen again eventually.

I'm looking at schools in Arizona and California, more California but being in AZ would be better then being in Texas, I could drive to see him on weekends. Really I'm only looking at ASU (Arizona State University) and SJSU (San Jose State University), SJSU more because it is in the city that Jon will be living in but I have to do it for me, Jon doesn't want me to move for him, so I am moving for school and he is a bonus. I've been looking at SJSU and I think I will like it way better then UT. I will end up taking a semester off but I think that will really do me some good, I'm so sick of school right now that I think if I don't take a break I will end up not finishing and I would rather finish a semester later then not at all.

I've written more in my novel not very much but I just don't have the time anymore. I will get to it and it will be better for me being ready in not in the state of slight writers block I have right now.

I'm a Jerk Face

So Jon is most likely moving next weekend. I know so depressing. He originally said it was just a trip out to Cali for company orientation but that if he can just stay he will. This means we have one week, not even really, more like five nights left to spend time with each other. I know I know you must be thinking what about this weekend with this weekend you really do have a week, and if I could see him this weekend I would agree, however he got his wisdom teeth removed yesterday, all four, and is pretty much in a constant sleep. He was up yesterday around 7:30pm after them being removed at 8:45 that morning, and just to eat something give me a quick text back from the one I sent earlier and to go back to sleep. He is staying at his parents why he recovers, and well since neither of us are ready for the meet the parents, my parents on the other hand are all for meeting him, I'm not going over there, plus although I know they live around the corner from Jon's place I have no clue where they live. Plus the whole me working till 11 tonight and having to be at work at 9am tomorrow I would have to be with him now to get anytime with him today. And if I knew that he would feel pretty much back to normal tomorrow when I get off work at 5:30pm I would go see him but that is not known so really we have Monday-Friday night after he gets off work well Tuesday after I get off work. It sucks cause I am pretty sure I wont get to see him everyday next week, life will come up and force us apart for a night.

This past week I had seen him Sunday after getting back from San Antonio, Monday night, not Tuesday cause he was spending time with his family, Wednesdays for like two hours because he was being nice and going to help some friends with their computers and he was going really far up north and was going to crash at one of the friends places, not Thursday because his stupid boss made him do all this paperwork before he could go get the prescriptions he needed for his teeth removal and he didn't leave work till almost 8:30 got to the pharmacy just in time went to his parents ate dinner and crashed, and of course not yesterday because of the whole tooth removal he was totally out of it. My week sucked.

So why am I a Jerk Face? Well Wednesday when he was going to help his friend I had no clue that it was that far north and at first was going to go with him, but once he told me that he would most likely be crashing up there it made no sense for me to go, I have class at 8 every morning and I have to leave his place at the latest at 7:20 or i would be late for class, so going with him we would have had to leave at like 6am to get to his place to get my car so I could go back to campus, it just made no sense. But I was upset and angry at him at his friends, I hadn't gotten to see him the night before and I had only been there for like 2 hours when he went to help his friend. When he said it would be better for me to just go back to my dorm I got so pissed that I walked past him and just headed to my car but he knew I was upset and intercepted me before I got to my car. He was trying to make me feel better, he doesn't like to see me upset and he was the reason I was upset. So he had his arms around me trying to get me to stop crying and explain a little more and try to find out why it upset me so much, I know why it upsets me so much to have to leave him especially when we could spend more time together but I'm to chicken to tell him I'm getting there I am going to tell him before he leaves but I'm still scared of his reaction and if it will hurt me, well of course I give stupid reasons like it was a waste of gas and that had I known he was going to leave and we would have to separate that I wouldn't have come at all, I mean he can see how upset I am he even wiped a tear from my eye, it was cold out he didn't want my face wet and even colder with my whacked up body temp, and told me that he was all mine the next day, we kissed and I went to my car, I still cried all the way home, I was still upset, I guess in the back of my mind didn't believe him. Well that was the correct thing to do, not believe him, he was out driving for work at about 3:30pm and when I texted him at 5pm asking if he was going home he said he would be soon, that he just had some paperwork to go through when he got back to the office and then he would be done. Well at about 5:30ish he texted me letting me know he was going to his parents for dinner and to crash, his mom was his ride in the morning and it was just easier. Well at first I thought that meant i wasn't going to get to see, I asked why he couldn't just go over in the morning, he want the simplicity of just waking up and going plus the free home cooked meal, we continued to discuss and when I realized he was still trying to see me I called, the text he sent was hard to read I got the basics of it but i wanted to verify. We talked on the phone for a bit and he explained that he was crabby and tired and hungry and still had work to do cause a co-worker dumped work on him and his boss wanted it done that night cause he wouldn't be there the next day and I could tell he was angry and I explained that I had forgotten that he had said he was staying at his parents the night before his teeth removal and it was pretty much good, he said he would text when he was leaving. I thought it would take him about an hour to finish when he hadn't texted I text him when he still didn't respond I called it was about 7:30, he said he still had a half hour of work left and that he had to get his prescriptions and that he would be cutting it close to the pharmacy closing and that he was just going to go to his parents eat and going to bed. I freaked out. I was starting to cry and had stopped making noise in the phone so he just kept saying 'hello' so I hung up. When he didn't call me back, after I had stopped crying I called him back, he asked if we got disconnected I told him that I hung up, he asked why I explained. He questioned why I was so upset, I kinda told him then let him get back to work. at a little after nine I called again to see if he got his meds, he had. i then went into the explanation of why I felt like a jerk. I hate the friend that called for his help on Wednesday because they took Jon from me and I don't even know the person so I felt like a jerk. I hate his boss for making him do all that work when this is just extra time the Jon is giving to his work, his two weeks from his two weeks notice was up last Friday when I was in San Antonio and he is only still there so he doesn't cut his income off, EA don't start paying till he in Cali. But his boss was the one who gave him the opportunity to send his resume to EA and Sony and his boss helped him a lot and he feels some obligation to his boss, but his boss was still being a jerk Thursday and I still hate him for it and again I don't know the man and I'm being a jerk. I feel bad about hating people I don't know, but I feel worse that I lost time with Jon. We have such limited time together that I really hate to lose it. So even though I feel like a jerk for hating complete strangers I also feel like I have the right to. I mean they are keeping me from the man that I think I am falling in love with, yeah that is what I scared to tell Jon, that I think I am falling in love, that I love him. We are going on four months so it seems early but then again I can't control emotions like that, I could tell myself 'you're not in love you're not in love' over and over again but it wouldn't change anything. See that's why i feel I have the right to hate strangers they are keeping me from the guy I love who will in a very short time be taken away for a really long time, and don't I get to see the guy I love before he leaves, shouldn't I get as much time with him that I can work into my schedule and his, shouldn't I get to be with him the week before he leaves? Right now is such a confusing time, I hate and love my life at the same time. I don't know how to handle the stress and i am ready to give up on school and work. I know had I not meet Jon that I would be worse off right now, but with him moving I just got to experience depression, to happiness, to confusion, to sad in the span of five months and I can't take the emotional stress roller coaster anymore. I just want to be with him not matter what that does to my life.