A small rant

I moderate my comment, I didn't but then I starting getting a ton of spam comments and decided it was just easier to see the spam first before it was posted on the blog, this means I see all comments before they are posted to my blog, also meaning I get to chose what it posted. To be honest I will post most comments, I am open to discussion even if the person is disagreeing with something I have said. Now I have never and have not had a what kind of comments will be tolerated post or page because until recently I had very little on readership and honestly still believe I do and I get very few comments so when I get and email telling me there is a comment on here I get very excited. With that being said if a rude, even in the tiniest of ways, comment pops up chances are I'm not going to allow it to be posted, this manly being I don't want that on my blog, negativity is not wanted or welcome here, you can disagree and have your own opinion just don't be ugly or rude it is not necessary.

Why am I just doing this now well on a recent post I was talking about a comment from a post I had done over a year ago, I enjoyed the comment and it reminded of how good of a dark writer I am, it translated to my novel as I am stuck on developing Leo and Emma's relationship and I'm weird and HAVE TO write from beginning to end. Someone happened to make a comment about my grammar, walking away form it for a bit I know it was more of an observation than meaning to be rude but was just written with a kind of rudeness to it, though being typed it is hard to tell the commenters true intent, anyways I did not post it, finding it slightly rude. For one the post had nothing to do with my grammar and I would also like comments to have some sort of relevance the the post. Secondly I am dyslexic, grammar and editing are not my strong point, in 6th grade I had 4th grade level editing skills I was two years behind then I doubt I ever fully grasped the concepts of editing. That being said I know my grammar sucks, I don't need to be told that, plus the comment said something about getting an editor for my novel, which I kind of have already done as my mom has edited the two complete chapters and I will have her do the same with the rest of the book. I don't edit my post unless I read through and see a major error that makes understanding the point of that post hard otherwise I figure people can figure out what I mean with the few typos or grammar mistakes. I do get someone to edit my novel and other more artistic writings, this blog to me is more of a public journal I don't edit private journal entries and I will only edit blog post if it is glaringly obvious that something needs to be fixed to get my point across, otherwise not going to fix the little mistakes. That being said though if as a reader you see a huge mistake feel free to point it out to me so I can fix it because I am only human and I don't reread all my post all the time so please feel free to tell me if you find something confusing or a little hard to understand so that I can go back and fix it.

And that is all the rant I got in me today.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! Having a good time with my family though dad and little brother are still in Texas, missing them. My nephew is getting bigger everyday.

Remembering

I just got an email because I got a comment on a post I wrote over a year ago. It was written when I was in that deep dark place of not knowing where the hell my ex was and I forgot how good of a dark writer I am. I had to go back and read the piece because from the comment I could not remember what the post was and from reading man I gotta say I really like my dark depressing suicide writing. That and my other really dark pieces seem to be some of my best work, now my novel has me stuck, it does have a dark element to it but I am also trying to add a romance to it and that is giving me some trouble. I think it is because although I was happy with my last relationship it ended very badly and well looking back it wasn't much of a healthy relationship anyways so in the big picture I don't really know how a good relationship should form and how it should work without copying from others and I don't want that it is sad to say that I am inexperienced when it comes to relationships and I admit it is at my own hand but still it is hard for me to write what I don't know. I can write dark and depressing because that is what i have been living for the past few years, but a happy romance it just not working but it is not something I want to cut out. Which is why I am stuck with the novel, because I have to write start to finish and I am at the point where the relationship needs to build and get going I am at odds of what to have happen. I might try adding a darker spin on the romance but I'm not sure that that is what I want.

See I am in a better place then when I stopped writing my last try at a book based on a short story I had written but stopped that one because I took a wrong turn in the plot and had to set it aside to get the fantasy sci-fic out which is why I chose to write 'Sleepless: the story of the 24'. And being stuck on that one is leaving me in a weird place. I want to write and I want to work on Sleepless but I'm not sure how do move forward. I don't want to abandon another novel(not that I really did with the first it is just on hold) and I'm not going to. But I'm really stuck. Maybe I should write some dark prose and see if I can either but them in the novel or have it help me find the romance I need, because really even if I turn the love between Leo and Emma it to something dark it is still a romance and still adds to the story and it may just make it that much better of a novel. Then I will try to do a more normal romance with my first on which deserves to have happy/light/romantic/out of this world romance, Emma has to save the world from her evil father, while Izzy(Isabel) has a completely normal life in a small town nothing strange and weird happening there(plus it takes place way before the sleepless so even if it was the same world Izzy's world is years in the past). But anyways that book will come later and right now I am stuck trying to get Sleepless right. Well writing does take time.

Zander

My beautiful Nephew.


The Happy Family

Lonely

So just for warn everyone this may get a bit dark. I been thinking a lot and I think I can finally write them down.

I've been alone for a while now. My ex and I broke up over a year ago and I cut him out of my life this past September. And that was a good thing it really was. It had to be done or I would still be in and out of this big dark cycle that had been controlling me for the past year. Did you know that even through we were done over a year ago I never really started dating again, looking back I know that is because I hoped we would get back together even though I knew that it would never happen I hoped, which I think is why pretty much as soon as I knew that he had moved back to Austin I cut him out, it took all of a few half asses conversation for me to just say fuck it this is going nowhere and never will I don't want to even talk to you anymore. And you know what I haven't not a word to him since I sent that email back in September(refer to second link I don't feel like linking that post again). And I do feel good about that. I really do.

However it doesn't keep me from thinking about him, wishing could have happened differently. I know it doesn't matter and I can't change anything but still. We had sex back in May before I knew he was moving back probably before he knew he was moving back and well even with having been on the pill for a year and a half I still freaked about the possibility of being pregnant, I know next to impossible, but still I think part of me wanted to be so that he would most likely be in my life forever, having come to my senses I know that would have been a horrible mistake. (Though side note, my BC is awesome after being on it for seven month(a new one the old made me really bitchy) it has taken away that evil monthly visitor, well at least for this past month, and no I have had no sex since May, my BC is just awesome.) Anyways back to the real post. Knowing that would have been the worst mistake of my life I am glad it didn't happen.

And really you what led to this post, well that would be my obsession with Hulu, which to be honest is mostly used to catch up on shows that I miss because I don't get home from work till 8pm but still it's an obsession on my days off. Anyways I was watching the Desperate Housewives that I missed and it showed and ad for a show that had been canceled but that they had all the episodes to watch, so after I finished with Desperate Housewives I went to watch it, the show was Lipstick Jungle and you know it's good, I have now watched all 20 episodes and was happy with it kinda wish I had been watching when it was on TV, though it would have most likely still been canceled, anyways it's about three high powered women living in New York, they also happen to be best friends, and from watching it I realized my friends still suck, which I really only have one friend from high school that I still talk to and I was so out of it the one year I did spend at UT that I never made any friends, it all my fault but still never really made any friends. So really I have no friends. My friend from high school is an over achiever that has like no time to do stuff and I work so much and have school stuff to get done that I am no better than her at trying to find time to hang, plus it's not like I can make new friends through school it's all on the computer and my classmates generally don't even live in the same state. I need to get out more and just don't.

I guess I feel broken most of the time. I don't want to go out by myself but then don't have anyone to go out with. I have mostly only talked to family and my employer for the last year, and I know it's sad but hey that's my life right now.

I did find my ex on the net but I don't think I want to do that again, at least not right now, and I know that having a guy in my life doesn't fix everything but it is something I want. My brother wants me to meet someone when I go visit him over Thanksgiving, I really hope things go good, but I'm not holding my breath, I don't feel like suffocating, which is not me saying I don't think things will go well just that he told my mother not me and well we don't talk very much but if it was really something you would think the would tell me directly and not through my mother, but hey I could be over thinking this I do tend to over think things. I don't I guess I'll just have to wait and see, a little over a week and counting and I'll know. But hey if it doesn't go well or is not the set up I'm thinking it is I will come home and put myself out there again, I really will start dating again.

Ok I think that is it for the darkness.

Sorry no baby pics yet they have not been posted on fb and that is the only way I can get them at least until I go there.

Alexander Vincent

My nephew has been born. Today at 1:34pm EST. He is 6lbs 4ozs and 19in long. Pic to come when I can steal them off facebook hopefully later today but most likely sometime this weekend.