Friday, June 26, 2009

The years go By

So much has happened to me this year. About this time two years ago I was in a lot of trouble, not with the law or anything but I could have been. I had an eating disorder and ate nothing for two weeks straight and then went to babysit for Aidan everything was fine nothing happened I feed him dinner and put him to bed. I had my mom's car cause at the time I had no car of my own and my parents didn't really care what time I got home cause it was summer and I had no school. I still don't really know why I didn't eat for those two weeks but I do know why I started eating again. Nothing went wrong while Aidan was awake but once he went to bed I fell asleep on their couch but only for about an hour because his mom got home. Now I had been pretty good friends with his mother for a while at this point I mean I was barely 17 and she trusted me with he completely I had picked him up from daycare because she was working late and her soon to be husband was out of town. When she got home and woke me up to leave I could not really move, my legs felt like jello and I knew it was not safe for me to drive. Jen made me eat a granola bar and drink some power aid but my body could not process it fast enough to be able to let me drive safely. I spent the night and in the morning and then later on another time after I had babysat we talked about what happened that night. At that point in my life I wanted nothing to do with my parents but I was stuck I still had a year of high school and it wasn't like I could just move out. Jen was what got me eating again she had to make sure her son would be safe and he was something I wanted to keep safe too and didn't want to just out of his life so for Aidan and Jen I began eating again and just going on with my life.

About this time last year I was in an even worst place even though I was about to go to college and be on my own I had never had a relationship and I was scared. I was in a bad place mentally and knew I needed help but was to proud to get it. It took me till October to get help and by then I knew and was dating Jon. He helped me get through a lot of stuff. Now he is gone and I would say I am in a worse place then last year just a more confusing one. I am over Jon for the most part but I am still left with questions and Jon is the only one who can answer them. So I'm left waiting which I am so very used to but I still feel in this weird place which is seeming like a normal thing that is going to happen summer after summer, well hopefully just while I'm living with my parents.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

And Life Goes On

Life goes on. After all that has happened life goes on. I am in such a weird place right now. I am very confused, even though I have accepted that Jon and I are over I can only guess and assume to the reason. I can only think that it is because he has to be in Japan for a while and that is too hard for both of us, the time difference is to much, we would hardly get to talk. So I get that it is over, and for the most part I'm okay with that. It's hard I loved him, still love him, will always love him. He was my first real relationship and those feeling will never go away. Right now my heart and brain are torn do I move on right away have a rebound guy and continue with my life or just wait for a while. I guess I just got to go with my gut feeling. I can't put my life on hold forever but I don't know if I am ready to move on. I still think about Jon ever day, part of it is my wanting him and the feelings I have for him and part of it is wondering if he will answer my questions and tell me the real reason why he doesn't want to be with me. I deserve and I am willing to wait however long it takes him to answer. Life goes on and I must move with it. I am taking it one day at a time cause that is all I can handle. I will get through this, even though right now it seems very hard and long. I will get through this and truely move on with my life eventually.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Kids, Loss, and a Hermit Crab

So life has been crazy lately. I have no clue how to handle all the crap that is going on. A day after I first heard from Jon I bought a hermit crab. I don't know why I just wanted to so I did. I am having a hard time dealing with Jon's move to Japan and what it means for us. I can't get over losing him that way. We agreed not to break up when he moved to California for a reason but now that he is in Japan it is just too much, for both of us. I mean we could try but it is just not worth it. I still have questions for him that I want him to answer, it may take some time to get the answers but I'll wait as long as I need to for it. This is hard on me, and i really don't know how to deal.

I took Aidan again for an afternoon. We had fun at the park again and at a place called Jungle Java. He is such a ball of energy. I got sunburnt but he did not which is good. We watched people fish, played in the sand, on a playground, with a soccer ball. It was such a nice day after everything going on in my life it was a great way to not think about what was going on in my life.

Friday, June 5, 2009

So I think it's over

If Jon gets his way it is. Well at least for now. I going to keep trying and fighting as long as he will let me. I miss him so much, but it looks like he will be in Japan for a while and that he can't handle that distance and time difference so for now it looks like we are over. But I'm not ready to let go which I know is bad but I will try and keep hoping for a little longer.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dude it's my Birthday.

I feel old, and I'm only 19. but you know it is not fair Bella in Twilight got to be 18 forever why can't I. Where is my extremely hot not sadistic vampire. Why do I have to grow older? So not fair. Though I am happy and it is the first time I get to get presents that are not from myself. Ok Ok since I was 16 but geeze is a trip to Europe really a Birthday present if you pay for it yourself, yes I was in Paris on my Birthday that year and got Champagne and had the time of my life but really I did pay for it. I have oh never mind I got my Zune when I turned 17 again bought it myself and well 18 was four days after graduation so everything was given as a both, so what if I didn't have to pay for the laptop that was graduation and partially from my school and the car well that was needed and a piece of crap does not come across as present material to me. But my dad mentioned getting me something this year so there is hope. Ok so I am excited it is my birthday maybe I'll get lucky and find my vampire and convince him to freeze me forever at 21 so I can at least drink legally before going through all the pain it takes to become a vampire.