Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I Think

I think I am going to get back to writing. I am feeling way better about stuff and I start back to school next week so why not start the writing back up as well. I had a great Christmas and hoping to have a great new years as well so I think I am going to start working on my novel again and post more on here. I am ready to get back to work. And it will be starting asap.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas


Saturday, December 5, 2009

Fun and Stupidity

So I was up in Massachusetts and I got a random text from him. It was just a pic of him in a wheelchair at a bar in Oklahoma, he stole the chair from his cousin. Then the next day when I check my email he has emailed me that he will be in Austin for a while. I freak out but luckily at the time I am still up North. So we get back on Wednesday and I am back at work I tell me co teacher about it and she gets me to text him. we text for a good portion of the day. Then when I go home he is on yahoo so we start to IM and that goes on until almost 1am. Well somewhere in there he had asked, no told me that I would be going out with him Friday, as in yesterday, and that my co teacher Jessie should come too. So of course I say yes and we start trying to find Jessie a babysitter. Last minute yesterday I had to beg my mother to watch Jess's children so we could go. I then go have so much fun but I ended up needing to spend the night and did some no so smart things when my other friend left. I will have to talk with Jon again and maybe see him again before he goes back to Tokyo because with things that happened last night I am in a weird state of mind about him.

Monday, November 16, 2009


Went to a wedding last Saturday it was fun but a very long day because I had training for work early that morning so by the time half the reception was over I was exhausted.

I am also going to visit family for Thanksgiving, family that I have not seen for years so I'm pretty excited.

Saturday, October 31, 2009


Happy Halloween!

This is my favorite holiday!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Random Happenings

So last Friday I woke up with a really sore throat and a fever. I was then sent to the doctor and told I had both strep throat and swine flu. I was then sent home and spent the next five days miserable on the couch getting over the evilness that is having two illness at once.

Yesterday was more fun I went and took Aidan to GattiLand he had so much fun. He was so excited to see me it had been three months and he was just so happy. He really liked the fact that I stayed till he went to bed because his parents were having a BBQ and since I am friends with his mother she let me stay and continue to catch up.

Saturday, September 19, 2009


Right now I am sick, I have both strep throat and H1N1 flu. It sucks big time. My throat hurts well pretty much everything hurts. And this will be all I put up about for now cause I feel like crap.

Monday, September 7, 2009

What to Say, What to Say?

It's been a while since I posted, I was in Delaware visiting my brother and sister and law who I became very close to, and now I am working at my parents daycare center again and do not have much time to get on the interwebs much. I also have not been able to write much either, which irritates me, but I like to write from beginning to end and I'm at a point where I need to build the romantic relationship between the main character and her going to be lover but it is hard to do in my state of mind, I should have been writing it while I was with Jon but I was to preoccupied to at the time, so I either have to write another part or put it aside for a while, and I've decided to put it aside for a bit. When I have more time and I'm in a better state of mind I will pick it up again. It is still vividly in my head and I will get back to it and hopefully soon, I don't want to desert Emma and her world I just need time so I can be able to write the romantic mushy stuff without crying or breaking Emma's heart because that's not suppose to happen. I'll keep updating on here whenever something new happens, but for right now it is really time to get over my own personal heartbreak and truly move on with my life.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


I am in Delaware visiting my brother. my flight was long and I have been up since 7am yesterday. I would be asleep but we saw Inglorious Bastards and no one can go to sleep right after seeing that. Great movie loved it but oh my it is disturbing. Will be here till the 30th and plan on having a good time with my bro and sis in law.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Well this Feels Good

I have been working on 'Sleepless' for a good portion of the day. It feels really good to get back to my creative writing. I can't believe how long I just let it sit. I now have a good 17 pages of manuscript where I believe I only used to have 5. I sit here now wanting to get back to it. SO to make a short story even shorter here is a part from chapter 1 it is a flashback memory scene, it has what leads to the memory and what pulls the main character out of the memory. Tell me what you think, transition are I think my worst but then I criticize myself too much.

As we walked I began to think of what had started this all for me; two days ago I had been home visiting with my family and now by no choice but my own I was in a dark desert cave. So much had happened that first day back home, so much had changed.
“Emma!” my sister cried as I walked through the door. “I can’t believe it you home for the whole summer, I missed you so much. I have so much to tell you. We have so much to catch up on.
“Hey Emily, I know we have much to talk about but can I at least put my stuff up and get something to eat first please.” I said with a sigh.
“Of course, take your time we have three months together before you leave again.” She hugged me, she was so happy to see me, as I was to see her.
It had been a long year, because of this summer the seniors had not been able to come home during Christmas so it had been a full year since I had seen my family, well other then my baby brother and fellow 24 Collin I had seen him at school, but my parents and Em I had not been allowed to see for a full year and it sucked. It was weird that Em was the only non-24 in the family but she had been born two years before the explosion and therefore was not a child of the aftermath. I was turning nineteen in three weeks and still had a year left at Banner Academy, Collin was fifteen and had four years left. But Emily was twenty-one and had one more year of college but normal college, not where Collin and I were heading, Banner University, the next step toward the future for the 24’s.
There was a knock on my door and I knew it was Emily. “Come in.” I said with another sigh, I wanted some time alone but I knew I wouldn’t get that till later when Emily and my parents pretended to go to bed. Collin and I were expected to keep our studies up, jut quietly so we didn’t “wake” anyone, like they were asleep, Emily would be reading for fun or watching TV and my parents well I tried not to think of what they did at night.
“Hey Emma, how was your year?” she asked in a shy voice I knew she could tell I wasn’t up to talking yet so she was starting off slow trying to get me to talk first so she could tell me about her fun times at college without feeling so bad.
“You know, same old same old, nothing different, ask again next summer and it might be different with all the being prepared for Banner U and what not.” I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice but I don’t think it worked.
“Emma I know you are having a hard time with all this but look you get to be home all summer and Collin still has to go back in two weeks. You know it will get better at BU I’m sure you will get more freedom there…”she trailed off. No one knew what BU was going to be like my class would be the first attending. “You know I pretty sure college is suppose to be a choice, I’m sure you could go somewhere else if you didn’t want to go to Banner U.” she said with hope.
“I wish it was a choice but what am I going to do at a normal University even if I went to Harvard or Yale or some other school like that I would be bored and ahead of everyone. This next year is the equivalent to the second year at a normal University.” I had no hope of going anywhere but Banner U and everyone knew it.
“Well I’m still sure you will have fun.” Emily was trying to be helpful but we all knew that Collin and I were different and therefore had a different path.
Emily was only a year older then the last group of ‘normal’ children so she knew that normal schools were fading out and being replaced by more Banner Academy’s as where the University’s. It was a sad thing but no one really saw it that way. Everyone said that the 24’s were the future and since an antidote to what caused the whole mess is unlikely to be found we really were the future.
It was weird Emily wasn’t old enough when it happened to remember sleep but she remembers dreaming. She misses it greatly, I think the dreams she remembers is what gives her the hope she has. We talked until she had to go fake being asleep. It was then that I went to my room to study.
I turned the TV on for background noise but the story caught my eye so I turned it up to hear… “Tonight on the midnight news a recap of Emma Stone’s life, for the first time in sixteen years Emma will be away from Banner Academy for three months. Tomorrow an interview with Emma to see how she is handling the time away from the place she has known as home for so long…” the stupid story irritated me so I turned off the TV and found a good station on the radio to listen to instead.
After about a half hour of music the announcer came on I figured he was just going to say what songs were coming up but instead he said something that caught my attention. “Tonight’s songs are all dedicated to the many people that disappeared twenty years ago, they are all missed and it remains a mystery today what happened to them…” the music began after that and it got me thinking, what if I disappeared. I’m so sick of all the attention, can I just vanish. My plan was hatched and I sought to try.
I left that night at about 1am. I ran as fast as I could until I was out of the LA city limits. Then I shifted between running walking and sprinting east towards the Arizona desert the darkest place in the country, no one would ever think to look for me there, I would be safe and able to vanish from the world of the sleepless and 24’s.
“Emma?” I heard Leo call my name and was jerked out of the memory. I could see light ahead so we must have made it into the cave.
©2009 Megan Hubby

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Things are Looking Up

I did not see Jon while he was in Texas, but this is a good thing I was not ready. He wasn't here very either. But we've been talking tonight and I understand more now where things went wrong. He did his bad and I did mine and now I think I can truly start to heal. I'm beginning to feel good. I don't know when I will be ready to move on but I know it will be closer now then it was before, also knowing that he is not ready to move on either helps, it lets me know this was hard for both of us but also that it would most likely have happened eventually. Live and Learn and then move on with your life.

Monday, August 3, 2009

And then I broke down

Since I knew that Jon was actually in Texas only about 20 minutes away I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. It's weird I was getting over him I was coming to grips with the fact that we could only be friends and long distance friends at that but I was dealing with it. And then out of nowhere I see him sign on to yahoo so I make myself available instead of invisible just to see if he notices I really didn't expect to actually talk to him but 'hi' first and we talked for about an hour. He said he was coming to visit family and asked if while he was here I would like to get together for lunch and although it hasn't happened yet it's all I can really think about. Last night I broke down. All I could do was cry, I realized I was getting what I had been wishing for since he left for California and then disappeared to Japan, I get to see him again but I also realized it was not in the way I wanted to. All that time that I had no clue where he was or if he was ok I worried and wished to have him back, I wanted him back so that things could be back to how they were, so we could be together again. I realized it is to early to see him again going into it as just friends or even to get my real goodbye. But I also know that I will still see him if he wants to get together for lunch. He texted me when he got here and I'm sure when he has the time to get away from his family he will ask me to lunch and I will go see him. I know it will hurt me I know it will set me back in the healing process, since it already has. But I can deal with all that I can deal will whatever pain comes along with reopening the hurt because it is what I have been wishing for since he disappeared all those months ago. I know I will take whit seeing him because it is what I really want to do, it is what my heart and I am going to give it what it wants. There is still hope in my heart and ev

Friday, July 31, 2009


I just got a text from Jon not to long ago which means he is in the USA but what it really means is that he is here in Texas about a 20 minute drive from me. I am FREAKING OUT, to say the least. I know that if I see him while he is here which I'm pretty sure I will it will be for lunch or something and be as a friends only thing and a way for me to a real goodbye and as much as my brain knows this my heart won't give up the hope that it holds onto. I know rationally and in my brain that as long as Jon lives in Japan there is no way for us to work and since he is there indefinitely as far as I know it means I need to more on. But good god is that hard, I mean I still have feelings for him and care about him and I want him to be happy which he seems to be in Japan so I am truly happy for him, but I hurt, and I hurt a lot. It's hard not to cry when I think about him good memory or bad. At first there were just tears and they would last a while now there are sobs but I can cut it off easier. This is hard, I want to see him so much, just being able to see him again would make me so happy, but knowing that it means different things for him hurts, knowing that it will be most likely the last time I see him hurts, knowing I will only get IM convos after this hurts. I am sick of hurt but willing to bring it on to see him again. Part of me wishes and hopes that he will see me and remember how he felt and how much he really missed me, but I have to keep that part quite and not think like that cause it will only hurt me more in the end.I wish things were different but know that they can't be. Just talking to him through texts from his old TEXAS number hurts showing how fast his whole move was he never changed his number. I wish it could be like it use to be when I see him but I know it won't be, part of me knows I should not see him cause it is too soon but that part won't win I will see him, he asked me if I wanted to get together for lunch, that has to mean something. Part of me still thinks he cares and is hurting too hiding it from me like I hide most of my pain from him but I can't think that way cause I'm not in his mind and I'm already putting myself in for enough hurt. I ave no clue how this will turn out I can only hope that it doesn't send me too far back in the healing process.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Life is crazy

So life is weird and crazy. I talked to Jon today you know the whole trying to be friends thing. Well he IMed me first I saw him sign on and waited and he said hi first and we talked for about an hour. He is going to be in Texas in a few weeks I think not sure he never said when he was actually coming but he wants to visit his family he hasn't seen them I think since he moved anyways he asked me to lunch or something when he is here and of course I said yes, I am looking at it as a real goodbye because the I got before he moved sucked cause it was a see you later that got turned into a goodbye when he decided to move to Japan. It will help if I can start a relationship before he comes here because it will be easier to tell myself that we are just two friends having lunch. I know this will be weird for me but if I get my real goodbye it will be so helpful in the moving on process.

In other things yesterday was my mom's birthday. Since it was a Sunday nothing was really that different other then going out to lunch. She had a very relaxing birthday and when she got on the Wii fit it even wished her a happy birthday.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Well Then

This month has been stressful and hard and haven't felt like writing either on my blog or my novel. I'm so tired and stressed and just don't want to deal with any thing. I am going to visit my bro in Delaware before I officially move and while I'm there we will be visiting our grandparents on my dad's side who we have not seen in 2 years. this should be an interesting trip. That is really all I can think to get out. Hopefully my brain will start working again soon and the writing juices will return.

Monday, July 13, 2009


I am so out of it right now. Jon agrees with me that his moving was a big part but he said a part. We are emailing now so it is easier to communicate and we are trying to be friends and talk about the mundane things that go on in our life. I can't really think clearly and I might be moving to Dover to stay with my brother and his wife. I need the change and think it will help. I will be helping them move and staying with them for a while and during that time I will make the decision to move or not. My life is one big ball of confusion and I hope I can figure things out soon.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Well it's Over, Done, Finished For Good

It is officially over. Jon will be in Japan for god knows how long and has started to move on and date so I will truly begin to move on to. I have tried in the past way back when I hadn't heard from him and then again after I had heard from him and the breakup was known on both ends. I am still going to try and keep in contact with him and be semi-friends it will be hard but we will see how it goes. This is actually really good because I can really truly move on now even through it will be hard I wont have the guilt I have been having not that I had anything to feel guilty for it is just the way I handled it I was not ready to give up and now I have to give it up cause he has started dating again I can try to start dating again for real cause that is what I need someone I can get close to and feel comfortable with. I have a long road ahead of me and it is not going to be easy, but I'll just take it one step at a time for now and see how far it gets me.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

July 4th and a long drive

I just spent over nine hours in a car driving from Texas to Arkansas we left Austin Area at about 10:30pm and hit Little Rock Air Force Base at about 8:00am. And what was this long drive for to see my big brother and bring him a ton of crap that he will need and or want once he moves to Dover in the next few weeks. I am exhausted I got very little sleep the night before we left going to bed around one and being woken up by my cat at 3am and then again at 5am I was not happy with her. And then we had many things to do and got no nap before leaving and got very little sleep on the way being stuck in a car. it was not fun not fun at all. So now I can't sleep and can't really think now cause of exhaustion.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The years go By

So much has happened to me this year. About this time two years ago I was in a lot of trouble, not with the law or anything but I could have been. I had an eating disorder and ate nothing for two weeks straight and then went to babysit for Aidan everything was fine nothing happened I feed him dinner and put him to bed. I had my mom's car cause at the time I had no car of my own and my parents didn't really care what time I got home cause it was summer and I had no school. I still don't really know why I didn't eat for those two weeks but I do know why I started eating again. Nothing went wrong while Aidan was awake but once he went to bed I fell asleep on their couch but only for about an hour because his mom got home. Now I had been pretty good friends with his mother for a while at this point I mean I was barely 17 and she trusted me with he completely I had picked him up from daycare because she was working late and her soon to be husband was out of town. When she got home and woke me up to leave I could not really move, my legs felt like jello and I knew it was not safe for me to drive. Jen made me eat a granola bar and drink some power aid but my body could not process it fast enough to be able to let me drive safely. I spent the night and in the morning and then later on another time after I had babysat we talked about what happened that night. At that point in my life I wanted nothing to do with my parents but I was stuck I still had a year of high school and it wasn't like I could just move out. Jen was what got me eating again she had to make sure her son would be safe and he was something I wanted to keep safe too and didn't want to just out of his life so for Aidan and Jen I began eating again and just going on with my life.

About this time last year I was in an even worst place even though I was about to go to college and be on my own I had never had a relationship and I was scared. I was in a bad place mentally and knew I needed help but was to proud to get it. It took me till October to get help and by then I knew and was dating Jon. He helped me get through a lot of stuff. Now he is gone and I would say I am in a worse place then last year just a more confusing one. I am over Jon for the most part but I am still left with questions and Jon is the only one who can answer them. So I'm left waiting which I am so very used to but I still feel in this weird place which is seeming like a normal thing that is going to happen summer after summer, well hopefully just while I'm living with my parents.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

And Life Goes On

Life goes on. After all that has happened life goes on. I am in such a weird place right now. I am very confused, even though I have accepted that Jon and I are over I can only guess and assume to the reason. I can only think that it is because he has to be in Japan for a while and that is too hard for both of us, the time difference is to much, we would hardly get to talk. So I get that it is over, and for the most part I'm okay with that. It's hard I loved him, still love him, will always love him. He was my first real relationship and those feeling will never go away. Right now my heart and brain are torn do I move on right away have a rebound guy and continue with my life or just wait for a while. I guess I just got to go with my gut feeling. I can't put my life on hold forever but I don't know if I am ready to move on. I still think about Jon ever day, part of it is my wanting him and the feelings I have for him and part of it is wondering if he will answer my questions and tell me the real reason why he doesn't want to be with me. I deserve and I am willing to wait however long it takes him to answer. Life goes on and I must move with it. I am taking it one day at a time cause that is all I can handle. I will get through this, even though right now it seems very hard and long. I will get through this and truely move on with my life eventually.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Kids, Loss, and a Hermit Crab

So life has been crazy lately. I have no clue how to handle all the crap that is going on. A day after I first heard from Jon I bought a hermit crab. I don't know why I just wanted to so I did. I am having a hard time dealing with Jon's move to Japan and what it means for us. I can't get over losing him that way. We agreed not to break up when he moved to California for a reason but now that he is in Japan it is just too much, for both of us. I mean we could try but it is just not worth it. I still have questions for him that I want him to answer, it may take some time to get the answers but I'll wait as long as I need to for it. This is hard on me, and i really don't know how to deal.

I took Aidan again for an afternoon. We had fun at the park again and at a place called Jungle Java. He is such a ball of energy. I got sunburnt but he did not which is good. We watched people fish, played in the sand, on a playground, with a soccer ball. It was such a nice day after everything going on in my life it was a great way to not think about what was going on in my life.

Friday, June 5, 2009

So I think it's over

If Jon gets his way it is. Well at least for now. I going to keep trying and fighting as long as he will let me. I miss him so much, but it looks like he will be in Japan for a while and that he can't handle that distance and time difference so for now it looks like we are over. But I'm not ready to let go which I know is bad but I will try and keep hoping for a little longer.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dude it's my Birthday.

I feel old, and I'm only 19. but you know it is not fair Bella in Twilight got to be 18 forever why can't I. Where is my extremely hot not sadistic vampire. Why do I have to grow older? So not fair. Though I am happy and it is the first time I get to get presents that are not from myself. Ok Ok since I was 16 but geeze is a trip to Europe really a Birthday present if you pay for it yourself, yes I was in Paris on my Birthday that year and got Champagne and had the time of my life but really I did pay for it. I have oh never mind I got my Zune when I turned 17 again bought it myself and well 18 was four days after graduation so everything was given as a both, so what if I didn't have to pay for the laptop that was graduation and partially from my school and the car well that was needed and a piece of crap does not come across as present material to me. But my dad mentioned getting me something this year so there is hope. Ok so I am excited it is my birthday maybe I'll get lucky and find my vampire and convince him to freeze me forever at 21 so I can at least drink legally before going through all the pain it takes to become a vampire.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Well I didn't seee this one coming

So I woke up this morning and did what I normally do, turn on my instant messenger to check my email and to my surprise I have a message waiting for me from can you guess, no no you can't it was from Jon. So many different emotions flooded me as I went to read it. it said...

i want to apologize about not being in touch with you, i've been stationed here in japan and life has been too crazy for me, i've lost two relatives and lots of work drama plus my japanese is so rusty and horrible that I can't really work too well here. i'm trying to get sent back to the US I've had lots of issues with customs here cause of the stuff i tried to bring over with me and my dog, yes i brought her with me. I'm sorry to have hurt you, please don't waste any more time on me I'm just not worth it right now.

That is the actual message. at first I was happy and ready to take the explanation and just move on with are relationship but then when I hit the last line, well I was mad and upset. I love him and he knows it how can he say he is not worth my time right now. I get that he is having a hard and crazy and confusing life right now and I wish I could be there for him and it hurts me that I can't.I had started to move on I had planed a vacation to help me now I have canceled it I will wait for him to get back to the US so we can really talk because that is what we need, we needed to talk before he left so we really need to talk now. It is not fair to either of us to end what we had because of this and I have told him that, I have no clue when he will get the message but I can only hope he will at least give me that. I have gone through so much in the last two months emotionally and this just adds so much to my confusion. I had even started to talk to other guys and now I hate myself for it. I regret so much right now, I was moving on and I think even though I am happy to know that for the most part he is okay I took two steps back. I miss him so much and he means so much to me that when I read that last line of his message when he doubted his own worth it made me want to fight harder for him. And I just looked at when he sent the message I wasn't even asleep my computer was just off that makes me even madder at myself I could have talked to him last night and I missed my chance. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens, I'm sick of waiting but I will wait until I have had my closure, no matter how this turns out in the end, both Jon and I deserve to be able to at least talk about it and all that has happened.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Yeah, so you think

Wouldn't one think that it would be an easy thing for a writer to do something they do a lot, about themselves. I mean every time I go to write anything I describe so much and in such good detail that I get the images I want to come out. So why is it so hard to describe myself? I mean every time someone asks me to describe myself I go blank. What do they want to know, what do I want them to know? Plus a million other questions run through my head making me think how to I do this, how to I describe myself. I just don't get what I should say, what I should tell them. It is all very confusing to me.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I need a Break

I am thinking of going somewhere anywhere I really don't care where. I just know I need a break, that I need to get away and go to some unknown, to me, place to clear my mind. I need to get away from Austin and all the stress that is here and go to a place where I can really relax. Just sit back and breath. Just work on Sleepless. Just have some time off. I want to go for a long time. I want to leave soon and not come back right away. I don't know how long that will really be but even if it is only a week or so it would be better then being stuck here. It is really getting to me that I am back in my parents house, I mean yes I want to work with them and learn from my dad and do what he says so that in four to five years I can retire, that would be sweet, but I know that it is not going to happen if I don't get a chance to clear my head. I need to just relax and not think of the things I need to do. I really need time to just do what I want to, I have been working so much if not school actual work and now I just want to be a kid. I cut my childhood short by going to Europe and then needing a job to pay for when I got back and pretty much ever since I got that job I was no longer a child, I had to schedule my fun at least two weeks in advance and that is a really hard thing to do. Part of me wishes I could go back to those carefree days of childhood, you know when you are four or five and don't really have any responsibility but people can understand what you're saying and might even listen to you. But there is a fine line in that. I want to be carefree but I have seen too much and know too much to ever go back to that, the best I can really wish for is some carefree time where I go somewhere and just relax and not really plan anything, just do whatever I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. I am going to try really hard to get this break, cause I really need and really want it. I am even thinking of places, within the US(I do have a passport I am just thinking of cost), that I would like to go. Places I have never been, which is quite a lot so it is not that hard on that part. All I really have to do is come up with the money and convince my parents this will be good for me and help me work better and more efficiently when I get back. It could work, I am an adult they can't really prevent me from doing what I want. I guess time will only tell if this is something I can really do.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I am really into two post a day this month

I am done. My last final is complete and I now have a whole year off of school. Of course i will be working but it is for my parents and it is for what i want to do in life so even if it is stressful i think i can handle it. I am just really excited to not have to deal with learning anymore information that won't really help me, at least now i will be learning stuff to help me in my future. I just can't believe that this year is over. I will be 19 in just over two weeks and so much has happened in this first year of adulthood. It is really hard to mark years by physical year because for me in January my year is just a little over half way through, while in school i still have half of whatever grade i am in to complete and in real life i still have six months until i age a year, so news years for me is more of just a change of date then the start of anything new. I start my year in the summer closer to my birthday, that is the big change for me, that is when my clock of judgment starts again, that is when i really access what happened in the year and what i want to happen in the next. nothing changes for me before then, nothing about me physically really changes till my birthday. On that third day of June that is when I start over.

I kinda did It

So if you count the hours i spent reading then yes i read the whole Twilight Saga in four days. I just can claim that they were in a row i had to finish some of Breaking Dawn on Friday because well my stupid final got in the way and I had to study for it at least a little bit and lost a good six hours of reading so that when it was time to go to my final i would not be in the middle of a really good part, so i was up till 4am thrusday to friday and then woke at 10am friday and was finished reading by 1:38pm. so it took me only about three and a half hours to finish had my final not gotten in the way I would have been all good. I also read a really short book yesterday as well, i started it at like 10pm and was finished by 1am, i am reading a lot right now to keep myself distracted it works and it doesn't work all at the same time, but at least i am being productive.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Thinking Clearly

I am really amazed with myself that i can think clearly and rationally while going through this, it is a weird out of body kinda thinking but hey at least it is more logical. I mean of course my action reflect little to mostly none of this thinking and it is only for brief periods of time, like last night when i was walking to my final i was like 'wow i was really out of it a moment ago when writing that depressive rant i know that those feeling are there and want to come through and by letting them i am probably helping myself more so might as well let it but wow i need to write some not so depressing thing soon', and then i did. I felt oddly rational last night, and i don't know why. I felt the need to explain my feeling more and really why should i , i know why i hurt so much and i am doing a really good job dealing with it, i mean my family has no clue how this is really hurting i am really good at the whole putting on a show most think i am just irritated and aggravated and pissed off at Jon for being a jerk, they don't know or realized that i still worry that i still hurt for him, they truly think i am over him and for a while i thought that too, i mean i was telling myself that, it will take me a really long time to get over Jon i think i really never will, but i am waiting for the point where it is not as hard for the point that i can start to sorta move on. i mean right now every time i try to more on it just hurts more, i regret it and feel guilty thinking about what he will say if he comes back when he comes back, so it makes moving on really really hard. I mean it is almost to a point that i wish he had just broken up with me when he moved, at least then there would have been closure, i have had no closure how can i truly move on, i don't see how that is possible, i almost feel that i am going to be stuck in this weird phase for a really long time or until he appears to give me closure, or even to fix everything again. I don't really know what it take i guess only time tell, for now i am just glad that even if I don't listen to myself all the time, i am at least thinking rationally sometime, my mind is clear of the confusion and i can see things clearly if only for a few moments.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

So yeah I was a little Rash

I know I know two post same day again, but I wasn't really done with the first one, I had an exam to go take and on my way to said exam and before it started I had time to think, and I was hoping my other post would not have been commented on yet but hey this in a little bit of a response to the comment on it so it saves me from writing this twice. okay so that last post actually started as a poetic prose, that is what i writ if i am not writing a short story or novel, i use to be really good at poetry and was once published actually been published a couple times for poetry but the last two where more of the poetic prose you saw in a post earlier 'Blackness', anyways probably still good at it i just hate breaking things into verse so i go more paragraph format. So as i was typing my last post in a word document which i do not normally do it changed from just being a mash of emotions to a blog post that I felt I should share but to be honest even through i do feel that way a lot of the time I realized it is because it is summer, most people get depressed when it is cold and depressing outside but for me it happens well intensifies in the summer, why well best i can figure is because i have nothing to really distract me nothing that i really have to focus on, no learning to take the time and make that free time i have to think become a whole lot less, i kinda realized today that this is why it is really just hitting me now, I mean it has been two months since Jon disappeared and now is when I decide to break down, I mean i would have thought it would have happened sooner but before i had things like school and homework to distract me now yes I have my finals, well final now but i only really need the day of to study so until Saturday i have had totally free days, i had french today it is level 1 french and i took 4 years in high school no real need to study for today, so i have been reading, i enjoy reading and i have been reading the books that really got me into reading, the Twilight Saga, but with reading these books come reading about a very happy couple, which for me was not good, but i was thinking more helped me last year maybe will do the same this also thinking i was okay enough to read about that but I am not but i like the book to much not to read them all and i going for read them in four days which if i can finish Breaking Dawn sometime tonight then i will have successed in reading the Twilight Saga for my fourth time in four days which is a pretty cool thing. I was once in my life time suicidal I can't deny that I can't deny that those thought still don't cross my mind with all that is going on, I think about death a lot more when reading the Twilight Saga's and more now that I am almost nineteen the age the main character stops aging, oh how i wish that were really possible, but it will never make me make a rash decision to actually go through with it I could never i still see myself wanting more out of life then I have gotten in my almost 19 years, I want kids and a husband, it's not going to happen. No matter how out of it i get i could not do that to my little brother he needs me too much right now a reason i am not too upset that i have to move back home for a year because of this whole mess my life has become. I think i was being a little bit to dramatic earlier but hey what good writer isn't, I do appreciate the response it was helpful and just another reason to post so close together, I mean yes I am in a horrible situation right now and yes i am hurt and in pain but I want to try and publish Sleepless and I am not even close to finishing it so I will be around, I go through mood swings and I have been listening to Evanescence pretty much non stop because i can't really listen to happy music at the moment so i am more likely to let out the bad emotions but it is a good thing for me, having this blog to share my emotions even the bad is good for me, like I said in my last post I am very independent and it took me a very long time to tell my parents i was depressed they still don't even know the full extent i just don't want them to know, to worry, i don't need the worry, that is why this is helpful and my friend Jen because although i'm sure she worries about some of the things i tell her she is not going to show me that she is going to show me what i need and help me get through what ever it is that is going on at that time, it frustrates me right now that i haven't had a chance to really talk to her in a while I am going to have to fix that, i think it is part of the reason why i am writing more but the writing is sad and depressing and i haven't been able to really work on sleepless because it is an action pact sci-fi novel with a romantic twist built in and i just can't write about romance right now. I feel like Bella when Edward left her in New Moon but i didn't get a good bye and I am pretty sure my guy is not coming back so I can't look forward to the happy reunion that comes in the end of the book, but i don't live in a book so i really can't expect anything to happen, though i wish i could live in a book make life easier knowing it was all planed out, but i guess less fun, not knowing can be exciting but right now for me it sucks. I think i will be able to be myself a little better when i start to actually work for my parents, when i start the research and start having stuff to do everyday, plus being under the watch of my parents will at least help me keep control on how often and when i freak out and have a break down like i have had for the past couple days. I went out got some fresh air and was able to think more clearly, and again i am not saying my last post was just stress and an outburst i meant every word of it, it is just now as i think of it and the comment i got from it i felt i need to clear some things up and show that i can have some wicked mood swings into the deep dark depths of my depression, I should probably get some professional help and i may get to that it's just that whole independent thing again, I feel like to be myself i have to do it on my own even though rationally i know that that is ridicules that everybody need help sometimes and i should gets some if i feel like i need it. But i guess i am still in a wait and see phase, i want to give myself time and see how it helps. I don't know i am going to try my best to keep living life to the fullest and get over this hump, it will be a great thing to be able to put in a novel or something when i am in a better mood and over this, so i guess that is where i am really at hoping to get over this soon, though i will not push it i will let myself get over all the hurt and pain in the time that it needs.

Regret and Pain

Inside there is nothing, nothing at all only dark empty space. Alone in the dark that is what I am alone. There is no one, no one to help me, no one to save me. Darkness takes hold of everything. I am empty. I am dark. I am not me. I can’t make it through this, I can’t stand this. I have not many option in what lies ahead of me. As I see it I can either, stay and get over it, leave and get over it, or die. I can throw myself into work and forget about love all together, but how will that help, this is why I am leaving school, I need a break, time off from everything, but I have hit an age where I can’t have that, it is not allowed. I can just go living a day at a time but I am sick of that, I hate that the future that I was able to picture has vanished, it was there and now is gone again. I want that back but know that it won’t, no matter what I tell myself or what happens until he comes back to explain himself I will have pain. It will not go away, I have a hole, a really big hole and I cannot patch it myself, I don’t even think I have the will power in me to find someone to help me get over it. I just miss what I had so much, I want it back and I can’t have it, I can’t have that happiness back and it hurts. Every day that goes by another piece dies, another part of me goes black, I can’t stop it and part of me doesn’t want to, there is a part of me that wants to go all dark and black and just let go, just die. I am dying emotionally every day I don’t hear from him and I can actually feel me physically getting weaker like before I found him but worse because I know now what I have lost, before him I had no clue I didn’t know someone could or would see me that way, see me as their girlfriend and when it happened when he said those words it made me happy truly happy something I had not been since I was very young and innocent, and then it was all gone without warning and now the pain is so much that yes before it was physically affecting me but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now, now I feel like I am dying on the outside as well, like my body is giving up along with my heartbreak, I had never experienced love and now I have and losing it hurt, it hurts a lot. I can’t explain it truly you have to live through it and it is not something I would wish on anyone. But there are things I do know and can explain. I do know that my body is giving up, each day it hurts more, my chest, my arms, my legs my head, everything. At first I thought I was sick and for all I know I am but I know I hurt before I found him but not like this and when I found him I could ignore the hurt so well that it went away and then he left and now that I have truly excepted that the hurt the actually physical hurt has come back and ten times stronger, I use to be able to forget about it, even before him, but now every day I feel it and every day it gets worse. I know all I have done for the last few days is sit and read and maybe write now and again and so you would think I would feel less pain but no I feel more, that is how I figured out it was tied to him, how I knew it was because I had lost what I loved. If he comes back he is going to have a lot to explain and a lot to pick up after, I don’t even really know if there will be enough of me left to fix or if I will be too far gone, they say time heals all wounds but I don’t see it healing me, I have been hurt too much by him and by my own thinking and the lack of my own self worth, I was broken before he found me and he had all but fixed me I was so close to being whole and now I am worse off and I hate him for that and yet there is still a part of me and a big part of me that loves him still, I can’t explain why, it could be because there was no warning and he just disappeared, it could be because I know deep down that he is out there somewhere freaking out not being able to contact me, not being able to tell me what is going on with. There was nothing that explains his disappearance nothing at all no warning signs not a thing. It makes it harder to hate him and easier to hate myself for the message I have let and the things that I have done, even though everyone I know would not blame me for any of it I don’t even think he would blame me for any of it, yet here I am hating myself wanting everything to go back three months and take back those words I told him, take back saying ‘I love you’ take it back and see how it changes this whole mess, hoping that it would be better now, hoping he would still be in my life, but I can’t go back, I can’t change a thing I have to live with my choices. I have to live with the guilt and the shame and the hate and the regret. I have to live with it all, live with the pain, and the hurt, and the loss, I have to live with everything. I made my choices and I will live with them. It is all I can really do for now, there are still people that need me, my little brother most of all, my parents, my older brother and his new wife, I still have people counting on me to go through life, Jen and Aidan, they still need me and I guess there part of me still needs them too, I hate to rely on people it is part of what is making this so hard for me I have never felt like I have needed someone the way I needed Jon, the way I still need him. I need his arms around me to help me hold myself together to help me through this and he is not here, he will never be here again as far as I know and I need him so much more then I have ever felt like I have needed him before, and I still don’t get it, I am so independent that I don’t get why I need him so much why I feel I need the unconditional love that little Aidan gives me, why I need the disjointed love or whatever it was that Jon gave me, why I still crave for him to give me that, for why I still want him and wish for him to tell me that he loves me too, for why still although it has been two month I can’t move on and every time I try I just regret it more and hate myself more, how I read one of my favorite book series and wish I was back with Jon wish that I could have the love that the two main characters feel, hoping that like last year when I was in the depths of depression it would distract me and save me but see how it is doing the opposite but still can’t stop reading it, knowing that it is doing more harm than good but not caring not giving a shit what it is doing to me emotionally. I have to keep living that is all I really know, that and that there is a part of me that as my physical state weakens and my emotions continue to run amuck, a part that gets stronger as I get weaker that is ready to just give up and I almost feel that it will win, I am running out of strength and I can only hold on for so much longer, I need another savoir and I don’t want to look anymore, I want the original to come back and I have very little hope left of that happening, so I will just have to continue to push myself and fight that part for as long as I can, hoping that one day I will be able to hope that I will make it through this and that I will one day be able to put it behind me, but for now that is nowhere in sight and I just have to keep fighting as long as I can, as long as my body will last.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


This is a new direction I am thinking of going with ,my novel. I wrote this yesterday and think it will be a better beginning. I am thinking of making it chapter one though right now it is only two paragraphs.

I’m running, running, running. My lungs are burning; I can feel as my last breaths escape the depths of my lungs. It is so dark the sun disappeared hours ago. I had to get away, I had to get out of that place, I was sick of it, and it was killing me slowly from inside out. I felt like I was dying now but I knew it was the loss of breath. The sand beneath my feet was finally cooling; my feet no longer burned the soles. I knew I had a difficult journey ahead when I started and it was almost over. Running was what I was best at and although I could run forever I could feel my body weakening, it was a strange feeling and at first I could not tell what was happening it took me many hours to figure out that my energy level was depleting. I was out of water and food; I was in the desert running from society, running from the world. I saw the hole in the mountain and picked up my pace I was nearing a place of shelter a place I could stop, possibly I place I could call home, I was so close and then my foot caught on a rock, down I went and everything went dark…

I opened my eyes to two men standing over me, one much older than the other; they looked related, maybe father and son. Then I remembered where I was; who could live out here, no one lived out here, have I been found, are they going to drag me back? So many questioned ran through my head. My head hurt, my back hurt, I hurt all over, the ground was hard and I wanted to sit up. I was dizzy and weak and looking around knew I had not tripped on a rock, from what I could tell I must have just fallen. The younger of the two men step back as the other came closer to me. There were so many other questions and thoughts going through my head that I was unsure what to think of the man walking towards me. He looked kind and like he wanted to help me, but I did not know what was wrong with me, I did not know it I was injured badly or why I had even fallen in the first place. The man knelt down next to me and looked into my eyes. He felt my forehead and grabbed my arm revealing the huge scrap that was on it, blood dripped down my arm and was making a puddle in the sand; my arm was also sticky as sand mixed with the blood and stuck to my arm. My knees were also scrapped but not bleeding. The older man next to me looked at the younger and the younger handed him a bottle of water; the older man poured the water on my arm and then handed me another bottle to drink. I was still dizzy and light headed but the water definitely helped.

Friday, May 8, 2009


Two post one night, wow too bad they are both depressing. Oh well I wrote something very similar to this last year about this time. If I find the thing from last year I will post it to compare. I just wrote this and it is well yeah not real, just a creative outlet for my emotions.

The streets are empty I see no one. I only feel the cold, hard, wet rain on my skin; my cloths clinging to my body. The tears mixing with the rain, taste salty and acidy, stale and sweet. My bare feet hit the pavement with a thud. They hurt but I don’t care, why should I care, nobody cares. My hair hits my face; it’s cold and smells of the stale air. My lungs begin to burn; I push myself more and run faster my feet pounding against the cold, hard, wet pavement. The ringing in my ears is too much I clasp my hands over them hoping to make it go away but of course it does not go away, the ringing is in my head, it is with me where ever I go, it will never go away.
Then bam the people in the streets are looking at me; staring at the crazy person running in the rain with no shoes and barely any clothes, soaked to the core from the constant down pour of rain. They all have umbrellas, they all are normal, they all are love, and they all have someone to care about them. The people came from nowhere they had not been there before, the ringing brought the people but the ringing is gone and the people are here. I can’t make sense of it; I don’t understand what is happening. I want the people to go away, I want them to stop staring, to stop looking like they care, they don’t care, NOBODY cares, no one knows. They just stare the people all they do is stare. STOP! I yell but no one seems to hear me, they just keep staring. GO AWAY! GO AWAY! GO AWAY! But still no they don’t listen they just keep staring. I close my eyes and keep running, just running, if they won’t stop staring I won’t look at them. The ringing is back, what is this damn ringing.
The colors are pretty as I climb the mountain. The greens and browns and blues and whites and purples and reds all the reds. I feel the cold hard earth under my feet, it feels oddly like the pavement but I know it is not, it is the earth the side of the mountain I am climbing. I see grass up ahead I want to feel the soft grass under my feet. The rain still pours down on me. I stop to feel the soft green wet grass. I close my eyes and look up to the sky.
The people are back. Those stupid evil people, but now they are looking up at me, my mountain is gone and I am on a building of the city I had run through. How did I get here, I do not remember, why can’t I remember. I don’t like it here I don’t want to be here. I look back up to the dark grey sky eyes open letting the rain hit my face.
My mountain is back the people are gone, I am alone again, safe from the glaring eyes. The grass feels so soft. I look back up to the sky eyes closed and start to spin, spin, spin. The colors’ come back and I continue to spin. I do not get dizzy I just keep spinning, spinning, and spinning.
I hear people shout NO STOP! I stop spinning and I am back on the building the people under me looking up looking worried. They can’t be worried, they don’t care. Yet they keep saying NO DON’T JUMP!, what do they care, they don’t care. I begin to spin again.
I spin and spin and spin and spin. I just keep spinning letting the rain hit my skin, hit my clothes, and hit my soul. I could spin forever, I will spin forever.
I am close to the edge of the building. The people get louder but I don’t listen.
I and on top of the mountain just spinning spinning spinning. I go to the edge and spin off.
I am falling. I hear music. I see colors. I feel rain and wind. I hear people yelling NOOOOOOOOOO! I want the music back it comes back. The colors are so pretty. The music so loud and peaceful. I am ready for this I have been ready for this. The spinning the falling mixes into one. I am falling. I am spinning. I am dying. I am happy. I am safe. It is over. The people voices fade in and out. The music gets louder.
I am falling. I am falling. I am falling. I see the ground, the pavement the earth it is all mixed I don’t know which world I am in anymore. All I know is that I am falling. And then it all stops, the falling the spinning the music, the people, all of it, everything, it is all gone.
Everything goes black. Everything stops. It is all over now. Everything is black.
Everything is black.


I am dreaming of a better place, of a better time, of a better me. I am drifting through this world, through the good, through the bad, through the neutral. I see all, but feel nothing. I hear all, but can’t speak a word. My life has become a blur and nothing seems to matter. I lost my love and can’t seem to forget him. I don’t want him to go away, I want him back, I want him to be mine, and I just plain want him. I hate him for disappearing, and I hate him for leaving, and right now I just plain hate him, but I want him back so much. I am finding it really hard to live without know where he is or if he is okay. I have no distraction; there is nothing to distract me from this. No one can take the hurt away. I need him back, I want him back. I hate myself for trying to move on, I can’t really move on; no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to let him go, to let my feeling for him go. I’ve tried so hard to move on but I just can’t; I can’t get over this, I can’t move on. I feel myself being pulled into a dark place, a place that I know, a place that I don’t want to go back to, a place that he brought me out of, a place that he is sending me back to, a place that is horrible, a place that will one day be the death of me. I want to move on, I want to get over this, I want to live again, I want so much. I just can’t seem to find the happiness I once had, the happiness that not so long ago was with, the happiness that I had not had for long. I am giving up on everything for now, I just can’t take anymore hurt, anymore pain. I am letting the darkness take control, I am letting the hurt and pain control, I am letting it all just take me away.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Another Day With Aidan

So last Saturday I took Aidan for a couple of hours. We were going to go to another jumping indoor playground but the one I knew how to get to ended up being closed so we played in the park all day instead. I picked him up at about 9am and we got to the park at about 9:30am. We played an the first playground we came to for about an hour and then decided to move on and see what else we could find.

We found a beach volleyball court and chose to play in the sand. We started to build a sandcastle. The sand on the top was dry but digging some up from underneath we found some nice wet sand to make our castle with. We only got to play in the sand for about half an hour because some other people came who wanted to pay volleyball and since we were just playing in the sand I told Aidan we had to go find something else to play with. He was perfectly okay with it. Don't you just love 3 year olds.

So we walked over to the lake area that was not very far away. Aidan saw some ducks and decided to run after them. Then he found a stick that he threw around for a while, until it landed to far into the water to get. We then went walking around for a bit sliding our feet in the grass to get the mud off our shoes.
We then found another playground and went to go play there for a while. After another hour of playing we decided to go see if the jumping place was open. It wasn't so we went to get lunch. We ate at Mc Donald's and there was a playscape so after eating Aidan played for a good half hour on the playscape.

We then went to the HEB Plus to get water and ice cream before going back to the park for a little. While in HEB Aidan got to show me how good he was at waiting. When we checked out the cashier gave him a Buddy Buck and we went to go play the machine but there was already a line of two children in front of us and one finishing up. He waited so quietly for his turn and never asked once if it was his turn. He is such a patient child.

We then headed back to the park where we ate our ice cream and played on a playground again. Then we went on a walk. We walked across a bridge that had rocks at the bottom that I let him explore on for a bit. Then when we were walking back to the car he saw some flowers that he wanted to pick. He is such a sweet little boy. After the flower picking it was back to the car and back home for Aidan. We had such a fun couple of hours. Another day will probably be in order sometime this summer.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Almost Done

With less then a week left of class and only two finals I am feeling good that this school year is almost over. I have had my personal drama and what not but the actual first year of college is so close to being over. I have decent grades in most of my classes and the few i don't I have opportunity to bring them up. I am ready to be done for a year. I am ready for my break. I am ready to get to work on building my financial freedom and success. I have two weeks left in my dorm and then it will be back to my parents, which I would normally not be excited about but with the circumstance I'm in I actually ok with it, I mean I get to work and make money and they will not make me pay rent or for food, I get to save the money I make for when I move out to Arizona and I will still be making money when I move and not have a "real job" I get to focus on studying and fun. My life is working out even though just a few short weeks ago I thought it would not. I mean I still miss Jon and no matter how hard I try to keep him off my mind it doesn't seem to work, but I'm working on it and it will take time to get over, I loved him, still love him and that is not something that just goes away. I am trying to see other people to help with that but it's hard to know what I want with things ending but not really ending, I kinda feel like I am cheating on him even though he is no longer part of my life, for all I know he is stuck somewhere that has no contact to the outside world worrying what I think has happened to him, but then he could just be being a jerk, i don't know and that is the problem. Oh well everything will work it's self out eventually.

So that is it for now, school almost over and trying really hard to move on with my love life.
Aidan's Day to come soon.

Saturday, April 25, 2009


So I had to break things off with Jon temporally because he still has not contacted me, it was hard for me to do, and when he does reappear i will think of weather or not to let him back in, right now he does not exist to me, he is not part of my life.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Another Kidnapping

I am taking my friends son again next Saturday, it should be really fun, he is three now so there is a little more we can do. It is kinda funny though because when she texted me to confirm the date I had been texting someone else and did not realize who sent the text and confused her and then also myself for a minute, but I explained what had happened and we worked it out. I actually haven't see her son since the last week in March, they moved and left my parents daycare because it is now way out of their way to take him there, and since I quit my job I don't see his mom as much but I was able to get this together and I am sure that if he knows what is going on that he is really excited it has been so long I am sure he will be so happy to see me next Saturday. I'm thinking of taking him to similar place but different cause of where he lives it is a lot farther from where we were last time, not end of the world to far but just far enough that I will be staying in his new city and not coming back to South Austin I mean Roundrocks not that far but it is also big enough to be able to find plenty of things to do.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Midnight Waking

Okay so I usually wake up at some random horrible time in the morning on my own accord but all I do is roll over look at the time and go back to sleep, no big deal no time wasted and yes this happens almost every night. Well last at 2am the fire alarm went off in my dorm waking the entire building, at least those sleeping probably just shocking the people who were still awake. This does not necessarily mean that there is a fire or a problem at all, they like to work on our building and the alarm will go off but usually at like 2pm we all go to the hall if we are even in the building and figure that no we don't have to leave nothing is wrong they are just messing with the alarm as they fix things. One this had not happened in awhile and two it was the middle of the night so we all let the building having no clue what was going on. I myself climbed down 12 stories worth of stairs. Then we all sat outside for a good twenty minutes until they told us that someone had just pulled the fire alarm and nothing was wrong we could all go back to bed. But you see our elevators don't go to the first floor after midnight for safety reasons so we all had to walk up at least 11 stories of stairs and those on the 12th, 13th, and probably so on the 14th floor just walked the rest of the way thinking no point in using the elevator after what they just walked it was not that much farther. So once back in my room thing are quite again and starting to settle back down when the alarm tells us it is now safe to return to our normal activities very loudly and twice. Of course I was thinking I can't till you shut up. It was an interesting night that I hope never happens again.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Easter Bunny is not Safe at my House

Why you may ask. Well my cat has killed three rabbits int the last five days. She ate one and we can't find any bits let. Decapitated all three eating very little of the first she killed, and left only the spinal cord and collar bone, we think of the third. So no the Eater Bunny is in grave danger if he comes here tonight. Though she will be locked in a room upstairs, the Easter Bunny better not go exploring the House, cause he is not safe. There is a killer on the hunt and her name is Callie.

On a side note tonight was my last night to work at HEB.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Lets try this again

Okay So I left Friday afternoon with my family for Maryland to go see my brothers wedding. We had to changes planes in Nashville and we ended up two gates away from our next plane. We got to Maryland at about midnight and got to the hotel and pretty much went right to sleep.

Day 2 was the day of the wedding. We just relaxed and laid around waiting for the wedding to begin. At 2:00 the JP arrived my brother and his soon to be wife finished the paper work and then we had the wedding. It was short and simple but very nice. We then went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant and went back to the hotel before going to a really good ice cream place. Then it was back to the hotel and in to bed.

Day 3 we hung out at the hotel until some friends of my parents showed up and then we visited with them went out to dinner and then got back and talked some more and my mother myself my new sister in law and her mother then stayed up talking until 2am. Then it was off to bed.

Day 4 we relaxed at the hotel until we went to eat lunch and then it was back to the airport to head back to Texas. Many hours later we arrived back it Texas at 10:30pm and then it took a good couple hours to finally get home and into bed.

I think this was better then the last but I still feel that it was short.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


So my brother is officially married. Saturday was the day. April 4th is his and his new wife's anniversary. However they will be having several other ceremonies for the family and friends that were not allowed at this one. At least three. I will have to go to all three and any others they decide to have.

This one was nice very simple and quick. I got to spend a lot of time with my new sister-in-law, we get along very well.

i had more to say about this weekend but I am way too tired to think so when I get more sleep I will try again.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I don't Know What to Do

So Jon has been in Asia for the past month and the last I heard from him was on March 20th that he was still out of the country and had a big day the next day, then he went to bed, it was 11pm-ish there so it made sense but I got no info on why it was a big day. i think he is still out of the country but not sure where or even if he really is I can only assume because when I call his phone does the same thing it did when he was first in China. But I am still stressing out and I don't want to, I have so much going on with school and I just can't take the additional stress of not knowing where he is and if he is okay, but he must be okay if he wasn't I would have heard, because you always hear the bad news. But it is still so hard I don't know if it is because of the way he left or because he was in California for TWO days, yeah only TWO days before leaving the country and me not being able to get a hold of him. I get he works for a big international company and it makes sense that he be out of the country promoting a game for six weeks which would be this week, this week makes six weeks out of the country, but out of the times that I have talked to him on the 14th they were done with the promoting and were spending a week in Japan to visit well it is going on the second week since then so he should be back unless things changed, which they must have. But I have no clue what to do, I have no clue how to feel, I have no clue anymore. I need help, I need to talk to people, but I want to talk to Jon and I need to talk to Jon, and right now that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. My life sucks ass right now and I want it to stop and be over with.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Spring Break

My spring break was okay. I took my little brother and some of his friends to Six Flags and we had a really fun time. Other then that I pretty much sat around and did nothing.

Jon should be back in California any day now so I should be able to talk to him soon. I have to talk to him about me going out there this summer for a bit and then about my move out there. Stuff has happened here in Texas that I want his opinion on.

That is pretty much it, but mostly cause I am very tired and stressed right now.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patricks Day

So I am quite Irish so St. Patrick's Day has always been a pretty big deal for my family. We always have corn beef and cabbage. It is a big thing at my grandparents house. This year I was at first going to invite Jon, and it would have just been my parents and my little brother, I would not put Jon meeting the extended part of my family yet. But then he was moving and it is my spring break so I was going too go visit Jon in California for the week and not really do anything for St. Patrick's day unless Jon was doing something. But then he went to China and I believe he is still in Japan, so no I stayed in Texas, and will be having corn beef and cabbage tonight with my family. It's not a bad thing I love corn beef and cabbage and because of my parents view on alcohol I will get to drink if I want and if we have it, not sure if we will have it because well I really don't know why it is St. Patrick's day so I am sure there will be some from of alcohol, I mean according to the stereotype of Irish is that they get drunk all the time. But I think the real purpose of this post other then to say Happy St. Patrick's Day is to show how much one day, one plan can change. I have been dealing with so much change and in so little time and I have had very little control over it, I think that is a big reason of why I am transferring schools, that is change I control, that is something that will get me closer to someone I want to be with and get my relationship back to being how it was before he moved. I hope Jon is traveling today because he dose not believe in eating on this day, at least I think he was joking, hopefully, but still the sooner he gets back to California the sooner I can talk to him. This is a holiday that I feel close to because of my heritage so again I wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick's Day.

It is also my my aunt Jean's Birthday, she is my godmother and is always so happy when I talk to her. She fell off a horse when I was five and has major brain damage, she lives with my grandparents and is much like a middle school girl, she can't work and I don't remember her in any other way. She had a husband but the sad part about brain trauma is that it is hard on the loved ones, and they did not last much past that first year. But again this is her Birthday and she will be and is probably very excited about that fact.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Japan now

Jon is now in Japan and will be there for about another week. They are done with whatever it was they were doing but now are just visiting Japan. I'm actually kinda of jealous I want to go to Japan one day and he loves it there. I think he is just excited that in the few weeks for working for EA that he gets to travel, I think this is his first time out of the US but I'm not sure will have to ask the next time I talk to him. I really just can't wait till I can talk to him on the phone again.

My little brothers birthday was on the 10th he turned 11 it was also Aidan's birthday he turned 3. I got Aidan a toy set of dinosaurs and nothing yet for my brother but three year olds are way easier to shop for. We are going out to dinner tonight for my little brother and I will be taking him to Six Flags on Wednesday.

I have this whole week off work and I am so looking forward to just be able to relax.

My older brother is getting married in April meaning I get to go to Maryland. I think it is so he can get his fiancee pregnant which is totally up to them, but he is still in training for another 12 weeks and they wont be able to be together.

My older cousin is allso getting married next year though. She is 21 and he is 48. I know I am dating someone older then me but only 6 years not over 20. I find it gross but I will be happy for her, if this is what she wants and will make her happy then she can have it.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Can't Think of a Better Title

Life has been dull. I miss Jon so much and really just want to feel his arms around me. I am going to be working with my parents for the next couple months so that when I move to California most likely in November I won't have to find a job and just focus on school. My tattoo is healed for the most part. I still have not made it to the doctor and I really need to do. I am so tired and still have not been able to get a decent night sleep. I don't have anything else to say. My life right now is one big ball of Dull.

Monday, March 2, 2009

China of all Places

So last Tuesday the last thing I heard from Jon is I'm going to get drunk. He is in California has been for almost two weeks. Well I needed to talk to him so I told him I would call him later, I had told him to call before that and someone who had the same phone picked it up and texted me back and it was confusing and when everything got worked out the last thing I hear from him is he is going to get drunk. Well I call him before I go to bed to tell him on his voice mail that I will call him the next day to talk. So the next day Wednesday I text him and then nothing. And then the same on Thursday and nothing, and then Friday nothing, and the same Saturday and again on Sunday by Friday I was freaked. I had no clue if he was dead alive ok not ok. I even said I would call his mom if I did not hear from him by tomorrow, and then the cosmos came to my aid and he was on yahoo when I got back from class today. Relief swept over and I hung up the phone with my mother to talk to him. He told me he was in China, China of all places. So I ask him why he is in China, well of course it was for work and it must have been on Wednesday cause that was the day I lost contact. He was asked if he was still packed from moving, and since he is living on someones couch of course he is still packed, he said yes and was handed a ticket to China to go promote a game. Well his phone doesn't work over there so he has gotten none of my calls or texts and when I told him I was going to call his mom he freaked. He is happy and healthy and having a good time in China and I am no long in a state of stress and worry. It was 4:30am tomorrow there and it was the first time he got to use a computer for non work purposes and I could not be happier, cause I did not want to call his mother and I wanted him to be ok. So my week of stress is over and things are good. But how random was his trip to China? I mean like bam he is in China. This is going to be a crazy new life. I am going to talk to my adviser tomorrow to talk about transferring and the best way to do that. I never saw my life going this way but I couldn't be happier that my life is going this way.

Monday, February 23, 2009

What new Tattoo?

Yeah so the first thing I do when my boyfriend moves across the country, get a tattoo. I mean I wanted it anyways but I guess it was just the timing. Right now it is all crusty and scabbed over but in two weeks it will be a flat part of my skin and will no longer itch(pat don't scratch). I got to get one more before I move out of Austin this summer and then it will not be till I am 21 before I get another one.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Well life is just blah

Jon left Wednesday night for California. He will be back to get some more stuff but for the most part he is gone. I am going to visit him for my spring break but that is not until March 15th, such a long way away. But funny thing is he got stopped by a cop and then when I asked him where he was he had no clue what state he was in I think he was in New Mexico because he was out of Texas but very little chance of being in Arizona but he did get stopped for speeding so I never know, when I call tomorrow at 2:30pmish and he's already in California I will have to say he was in Arizona. This has been hard for me though, I am proud that I haven't cried since the night he left but I know it's gonna happen again eventually.

I'm looking at schools in Arizona and California, more California but being in AZ would be better then being in Texas, I could drive to see him on weekends. Really I'm only looking at ASU (Arizona State University) and SJSU (San Jose State University), SJSU more because it is in the city that Jon will be living in but I have to do it for me, Jon doesn't want me to move for him, so I am moving for school and he is a bonus. I've been looking at SJSU and I think I will like it way better then UT. I will end up taking a semester off but I think that will really do me some good, I'm so sick of school right now that I think if I don't take a break I will end up not finishing and I would rather finish a semester later then not at all.

I've written more in my novel not very much but I just don't have the time anymore. I will get to it and it will be better for me being ready in not in the state of slight writers block I have right now.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I just realized..

That I haven't thought about my novel in over a month. It is sad. I know it is because of of the stuff going on with Jon but still I need/want to get back to my writing. And that is what I am going to do while Jon is away this week and then when he is there permanently. I am going to get back to the main reason I started this blog to share bits and pieces of my novel and to encourage myself to keep writing. I think it will be helpful. I mean I was stuck, I had come to the part where I needed to build the romantic relationship between the two main characters but had no romantic experience myself, now going through all that I have been through in the last three month I should be able to get at least a bit more out. And I just realized a good thing for me going out to Cali with Jon my novel is based in AZ but Emma is from Cali and will end up back there to face the evil Lord Banner, so me knowing the state a little better will be a help for my writing. I lived in AZ for two years and was just there last summer visiting a friend. So I know AZ quite well, I miss AZ so much actually, the weather the environment I just miss it. I was so happy there and didn't even realize it until I left, I was 12 and so excited to be going back to my home in Texas that I didn't realize how much i loved AZ and my life there. That is why my novel is set in AZ, because I miss it so much, writing about it helps me relive it, though I lived in Phoenix not Tucson I just couldn't set my novel in Phoenix that would have been to much. When I saw Twilight and the beginning was in Phoenix and I recognized the streets and the city it was a very happy sad moment. It is a little thing, but writing makes me happy and distracts me from what is going on in the real world so getting back to it will be a big help. I really can't believe I let it slip so far away from me, I don't even carry the spiral I'm writing it in around with me anymore. I must get back to my writing and I will do it.

Friday, February 6, 2009

And Nothing is new

Jon is right now sitting in an airport waiting to go to California. HE WILL BE BACK SATURDAY. I am very happy about that but not till like 10pm and it is Valentines day and not that I ever or ever really will care about that holiday I do want to at least spend the day with him, I am thinking that I will go over that night and just spend all of Sunday with him. I asked that weekend off a while ago thinking that I may have to go to California myself that weekend but it looks like he won't be really moving until the beginning of March, which makes me question if I will go out for Spring Break, I mean if he just moved out there he will be so busy that it might be better to save my money and go out there some other time. He is pretty much healed from his wisdom teeth drama I would know was there last night when he took his meds in the wrong order and got sick and then this morning when we both did want to get out of bed, I have class at 8 every morning and I had a quiz in that class so didn't go this morning was to busy not getting out of bed. I mean we hadn't seen each other in over a week and it will be another week before we see each other again cause of his trip to California and well he woke up showed me why he didn't want to get out of bed so how could I have said no, I mean he is so hard to say no to and with the whole in love with him thing it doesn't help that much. Which by the way was still to chicken to tell him, I came close but still nope, I am tempted to text him but he is probably on the plane and couldn't answer and I would drive myself crazy trying to think of how he will respond so I will wait until hr gets back or tell him over the phone sometime this next week. In my own defense I came very close I whispered it but not very loudly not even loud enough for him to question what I was saying. Oh well I got some time. I guess that is it for now.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I'm a Jerk Face

So Jon is most likely moving next weekend. I know so depressing. He originally said it was just a trip out to Cali for company orientation but that if he can just stay he will. This means we have one week, not even really, more like five nights left to spend time with each other. I know I know you must be thinking what about this weekend with this weekend you really do have a week, and if I could see him this weekend I would agree, however he got his wisdom teeth removed yesterday, all four, and is pretty much in a constant sleep. He was up yesterday around 7:30pm after them being removed at 8:45 that morning, and just to eat something give me a quick text back from the one I sent earlier and to go back to sleep. He is staying at his parents why he recovers, and well since neither of us are ready for the meet the parents, my parents on the other hand are all for meeting him, I'm not going over there, plus although I know they live around the corner from Jon's place I have no clue where they live. Plus the whole me working till 11 tonight and having to be at work at 9am tomorrow I would have to be with him now to get anytime with him today. And if I knew that he would feel pretty much back to normal tomorrow when I get off work at 5:30pm I would go see him but that is not known so really we have Monday-Friday night after he gets off work well Tuesday after I get off work. It sucks cause I am pretty sure I wont get to see him everyday next week, life will come up and force us apart for a night.

This past week I had seen him Sunday after getting back from San Antonio, Monday night, not Tuesday cause he was spending time with his family, Wednesdays for like two hours because he was being nice and going to help some friends with their computers and he was going really far up north and was going to crash at one of the friends places, not Thursday because his stupid boss made him do all this paperwork before he could go get the prescriptions he needed for his teeth removal and he didn't leave work till almost 8:30 got to the pharmacy just in time went to his parents ate dinner and crashed, and of course not yesterday because of the whole tooth removal he was totally out of it. My week sucked.

So why am I a Jerk Face? Well Wednesday when he was going to help his friend I had no clue that it was that far north and at first was going to go with him, but once he told me that he would most likely be crashing up there it made no sense for me to go, I have class at 8 every morning and I have to leave his place at the latest at 7:20 or i would be late for class, so going with him we would have had to leave at like 6am to get to his place to get my car so I could go back to campus, it just made no sense. But I was upset and angry at him at his friends, I hadn't gotten to see him the night before and I had only been there for like 2 hours when he went to help his friend. When he said it would be better for me to just go back to my dorm I got so pissed that I walked past him and just headed to my car but he knew I was upset and intercepted me before I got to my car. He was trying to make me feel better, he doesn't like to see me upset and he was the reason I was upset. So he had his arms around me trying to get me to stop crying and explain a little more and try to find out why it upset me so much, I know why it upsets me so much to have to leave him especially when we could spend more time together but I'm to chicken to tell him I'm getting there I am going to tell him before he leaves but I'm still scared of his reaction and if it will hurt me, well of course I give stupid reasons like it was a waste of gas and that had I known he was going to leave and we would have to separate that I wouldn't have come at all, I mean he can see how upset I am he even wiped a tear from my eye, it was cold out he didn't want my face wet and even colder with my whacked up body temp, and told me that he was all mine the next day, we kissed and I went to my car, I still cried all the way home, I was still upset, I guess in the back of my mind didn't believe him. Well that was the correct thing to do, not believe him, he was out driving for work at about 3:30pm and when I texted him at 5pm asking if he was going home he said he would be soon, that he just had some paperwork to go through when he got back to the office and then he would be done. Well at about 5:30ish he texted me letting me know he was going to his parents for dinner and to crash, his mom was his ride in the morning and it was just easier. Well at first I thought that meant i wasn't going to get to see, I asked why he couldn't just go over in the morning, he want the simplicity of just waking up and going plus the free home cooked meal, we continued to discuss and when I realized he was still trying to see me I called, the text he sent was hard to read I got the basics of it but i wanted to verify. We talked on the phone for a bit and he explained that he was crabby and tired and hungry and still had work to do cause a co-worker dumped work on him and his boss wanted it done that night cause he wouldn't be there the next day and I could tell he was angry and I explained that I had forgotten that he had said he was staying at his parents the night before his teeth removal and it was pretty much good, he said he would text when he was leaving. I thought it would take him about an hour to finish when he hadn't texted I text him when he still didn't respond I called it was about 7:30, he said he still had a half hour of work left and that he had to get his prescriptions and that he would be cutting it close to the pharmacy closing and that he was just going to go to his parents eat and going to bed. I freaked out. I was starting to cry and had stopped making noise in the phone so he just kept saying 'hello' so I hung up. When he didn't call me back, after I had stopped crying I called him back, he asked if we got disconnected I told him that I hung up, he asked why I explained. He questioned why I was so upset, I kinda told him then let him get back to work. at a little after nine I called again to see if he got his meds, he had. i then went into the explanation of why I felt like a jerk. I hate the friend that called for his help on Wednesday because they took Jon from me and I don't even know the person so I felt like a jerk. I hate his boss for making him do all that work when this is just extra time the Jon is giving to his work, his two weeks from his two weeks notice was up last Friday when I was in San Antonio and he is only still there so he doesn't cut his income off, EA don't start paying till he in Cali. But his boss was the one who gave him the opportunity to send his resume to EA and Sony and his boss helped him a lot and he feels some obligation to his boss, but his boss was still being a jerk Thursday and I still hate him for it and again I don't know the man and I'm being a jerk. I feel bad about hating people I don't know, but I feel worse that I lost time with Jon. We have such limited time together that I really hate to lose it. So even though I feel like a jerk for hating complete strangers I also feel like I have the right to. I mean they are keeping me from the man that I think I am falling in love with, yeah that is what I scared to tell Jon, that I think I am falling in love, that I love him. We are going on four months so it seems early but then again I can't control emotions like that, I could tell myself 'you're not in love you're not in love' over and over again but it wouldn't change anything. See that's why i feel I have the right to hate strangers they are keeping me from the guy I love who will in a very short time be taken away for a really long time, and don't I get to see the guy I love before he leaves, shouldn't I get as much time with him that I can work into my schedule and his, shouldn't I get to be with him the week before he leaves? Right now is such a confusing time, I hate and love my life at the same time. I don't know how to handle the stress and i am ready to give up on school and work. I know had I not meet Jon that I would be worse off right now, but with him moving I just got to experience depression, to happiness, to confusion, to sad in the span of five months and I can't take the emotional stress roller coaster anymore. I just want to be with him not matter what that does to my life.

Monday, January 26, 2009


I don't know what to post. My brother is in Maryland and is getting trained for public affairs. He has a 17&1/2 week program and then he will have about 25 days leave where he will get married have a honeymoon and move to what ever base he gets stationed at. He will be getting out of Tech school just as I finish up this semester. By then I will know if I am staying in Texas or moving to California. I realized that it will be about the time I get ready to register for classes that Jon and I will have to decide where we are taking our relationship. I don't like the stress and it has been really hard on me to know that Jon is leaving soon. I don't really know how to deal with any of this and I am not handling it well. i am trying to live one day at a time it it is a really hard thing to do when my brain is going 100 thoughts a minute and I just want it to stop.