Thursday, May 14, 2009

So yeah I was a little Rash

I know I know two post same day again, but I wasn't really done with the first one, I had an exam to go take and on my way to said exam and before it started I had time to think, and I was hoping my other post would not have been commented on yet but hey this in a little bit of a response to the comment on it so it saves me from writing this twice. okay so that last post actually started as a poetic prose, that is what i writ if i am not writing a short story or novel, i use to be really good at poetry and was once published actually been published a couple times for poetry but the last two where more of the poetic prose you saw in a post earlier 'Blackness', anyways probably still good at it i just hate breaking things into verse so i go more paragraph format. So as i was typing my last post in a word document which i do not normally do it changed from just being a mash of emotions to a blog post that I felt I should share but to be honest even through i do feel that way a lot of the time I realized it is because it is summer, most people get depressed when it is cold and depressing outside but for me it happens well intensifies in the summer, why well best i can figure is because i have nothing to really distract me nothing that i really have to focus on, no learning to take the time and make that free time i have to think become a whole lot less, i kinda realized today that this is why it is really just hitting me now, I mean it has been two months since Jon disappeared and now is when I decide to break down, I mean i would have thought it would have happened sooner but before i had things like school and homework to distract me now yes I have my finals, well final now but i only really need the day of to study so until Saturday i have had totally free days, i had french today it is level 1 french and i took 4 years in high school no real need to study for today, so i have been reading, i enjoy reading and i have been reading the books that really got me into reading, the Twilight Saga, but with reading these books come reading about a very happy couple, which for me was not good, but i was thinking more helped me last year maybe will do the same this also thinking i was okay enough to read about that but I am not but i like the book to much not to read them all and i going for read them in four days which if i can finish Breaking Dawn sometime tonight then i will have successed in reading the Twilight Saga for my fourth time in four days which is a pretty cool thing. I was once in my life time suicidal I can't deny that I can't deny that those thought still don't cross my mind with all that is going on, I think about death a lot more when reading the Twilight Saga's and more now that I am almost nineteen the age the main character stops aging, oh how i wish that were really possible, but it will never make me make a rash decision to actually go through with it I could never i still see myself wanting more out of life then I have gotten in my almost 19 years, I want kids and a husband, it's not going to happen. No matter how out of it i get i could not do that to my little brother he needs me too much right now a reason i am not too upset that i have to move back home for a year because of this whole mess my life has become. I think i was being a little bit to dramatic earlier but hey what good writer isn't, I do appreciate the response it was helpful and just another reason to post so close together, I mean yes I am in a horrible situation right now and yes i am hurt and in pain but I want to try and publish Sleepless and I am not even close to finishing it so I will be around, I go through mood swings and I have been listening to Evanescence pretty much non stop because i can't really listen to happy music at the moment so i am more likely to let out the bad emotions but it is a good thing for me, having this blog to share my emotions even the bad is good for me, like I said in my last post I am very independent and it took me a very long time to tell my parents i was depressed they still don't even know the full extent i just don't want them to know, to worry, i don't need the worry, that is why this is helpful and my friend Jen because although i'm sure she worries about some of the things i tell her she is not going to show me that she is going to show me what i need and help me get through what ever it is that is going on at that time, it frustrates me right now that i haven't had a chance to really talk to her in a while I am going to have to fix that, i think it is part of the reason why i am writing more but the writing is sad and depressing and i haven't been able to really work on sleepless because it is an action pact sci-fi novel with a romantic twist built in and i just can't write about romance right now. I feel like Bella when Edward left her in New Moon but i didn't get a good bye and I am pretty sure my guy is not coming back so I can't look forward to the happy reunion that comes in the end of the book, but i don't live in a book so i really can't expect anything to happen, though i wish i could live in a book make life easier knowing it was all planed out, but i guess less fun, not knowing can be exciting but right now for me it sucks. I think i will be able to be myself a little better when i start to actually work for my parents, when i start the research and start having stuff to do everyday, plus being under the watch of my parents will at least help me keep control on how often and when i freak out and have a break down like i have had for the past couple days. I went out got some fresh air and was able to think more clearly, and again i am not saying my last post was just stress and an outburst i meant every word of it, it is just now as i think of it and the comment i got from it i felt i need to clear some things up and show that i can have some wicked mood swings into the deep dark depths of my depression, I should probably get some professional help and i may get to that it's just that whole independent thing again, I feel like to be myself i have to do it on my own even though rationally i know that that is ridicules that everybody need help sometimes and i should gets some if i feel like i need it. But i guess i am still in a wait and see phase, i want to give myself time and see how it helps. I don't know i am going to try my best to keep living life to the fullest and get over this hump, it will be a great thing to be able to put in a novel or something when i am in a better mood and over this, so i guess that is where i am really at hoping to get over this soon, though i will not push it i will let myself get over all the hurt and pain in the time that it needs.


Dina said...

I didn't think you were being rash and overdramatic before.

I think you can think of suicide...and sort of consider it without REALLY considering it.

I guess the message I wanted to convey to you was that you're normal for having all those feelings. It's normal to be heartbroken. It's normal to feel suicidal.

I was often given the feeling (from my parents) that I was NOT normal. So on top of my despair, I'd also feel a lot of guilt and self-hatred.

Anyway, you're sounding a little better. That's good.

I think you can pull yourself out of all this...eventually ; )