Thursday, May 14, 2009

Regret and Pain

Inside there is nothing, nothing at all only dark empty space. Alone in the dark that is what I am alone. There is no one, no one to help me, no one to save me. Darkness takes hold of everything. I am empty. I am dark. I am not me. I can’t make it through this, I can’t stand this. I have not many option in what lies ahead of me. As I see it I can either, stay and get over it, leave and get over it, or die. I can throw myself into work and forget about love all together, but how will that help, this is why I am leaving school, I need a break, time off from everything, but I have hit an age where I can’t have that, it is not allowed. I can just go living a day at a time but I am sick of that, I hate that the future that I was able to picture has vanished, it was there and now is gone again. I want that back but know that it won’t, no matter what I tell myself or what happens until he comes back to explain himself I will have pain. It will not go away, I have a hole, a really big hole and I cannot patch it myself, I don’t even think I have the will power in me to find someone to help me get over it. I just miss what I had so much, I want it back and I can’t have it, I can’t have that happiness back and it hurts. Every day that goes by another piece dies, another part of me goes black, I can’t stop it and part of me doesn’t want to, there is a part of me that wants to go all dark and black and just let go, just die. I am dying emotionally every day I don’t hear from him and I can actually feel me physically getting weaker like before I found him but worse because I know now what I have lost, before him I had no clue I didn’t know someone could or would see me that way, see me as their girlfriend and when it happened when he said those words it made me happy truly happy something I had not been since I was very young and innocent, and then it was all gone without warning and now the pain is so much that yes before it was physically affecting me but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now, now I feel like I am dying on the outside as well, like my body is giving up along with my heartbreak, I had never experienced love and now I have and losing it hurt, it hurts a lot. I can’t explain it truly you have to live through it and it is not something I would wish on anyone. But there are things I do know and can explain. I do know that my body is giving up, each day it hurts more, my chest, my arms, my legs my head, everything. At first I thought I was sick and for all I know I am but I know I hurt before I found him but not like this and when I found him I could ignore the hurt so well that it went away and then he left and now that I have truly excepted that the hurt the actually physical hurt has come back and ten times stronger, I use to be able to forget about it, even before him, but now every day I feel it and every day it gets worse. I know all I have done for the last few days is sit and read and maybe write now and again and so you would think I would feel less pain but no I feel more, that is how I figured out it was tied to him, how I knew it was because I had lost what I loved. If he comes back he is going to have a lot to explain and a lot to pick up after, I don’t even really know if there will be enough of me left to fix or if I will be too far gone, they say time heals all wounds but I don’t see it healing me, I have been hurt too much by him and by my own thinking and the lack of my own self worth, I was broken before he found me and he had all but fixed me I was so close to being whole and now I am worse off and I hate him for that and yet there is still a part of me and a big part of me that loves him still, I can’t explain why, it could be because there was no warning and he just disappeared, it could be because I know deep down that he is out there somewhere freaking out not being able to contact me, not being able to tell me what is going on with. There was nothing that explains his disappearance nothing at all no warning signs not a thing. It makes it harder to hate him and easier to hate myself for the message I have let and the things that I have done, even though everyone I know would not blame me for any of it I don’t even think he would blame me for any of it, yet here I am hating myself wanting everything to go back three months and take back those words I told him, take back saying ‘I love you’ take it back and see how it changes this whole mess, hoping that it would be better now, hoping he would still be in my life, but I can’t go back, I can’t change a thing I have to live with my choices. I have to live with the guilt and the shame and the hate and the regret. I have to live with it all, live with the pain, and the hurt, and the loss, I have to live with everything. I made my choices and I will live with them. It is all I can really do for now, there are still people that need me, my little brother most of all, my parents, my older brother and his new wife, I still have people counting on me to go through life, Jen and Aidan, they still need me and I guess there part of me still needs them too, I hate to rely on people it is part of what is making this so hard for me I have never felt like I have needed someone the way I needed Jon, the way I still need him. I need his arms around me to help me hold myself together to help me through this and he is not here, he will never be here again as far as I know and I need him so much more then I have ever felt like I have needed him before, and I still don’t get it, I am so independent that I don’t get why I need him so much why I feel I need the unconditional love that little Aidan gives me, why I need the disjointed love or whatever it was that Jon gave me, why I still crave for him to give me that, for why I still want him and wish for him to tell me that he loves me too, for why still although it has been two month I can’t move on and every time I try I just regret it more and hate myself more, how I read one of my favorite book series and wish I was back with Jon wish that I could have the love that the two main characters feel, hoping that like last year when I was in the depths of depression it would distract me and save me but see how it is doing the opposite but still can’t stop reading it, knowing that it is doing more harm than good but not caring not giving a shit what it is doing to me emotionally. I have to keep living that is all I really know, that and that there is a part of me that as my physical state weakens and my emotions continue to run amuck, a part that gets stronger as I get weaker that is ready to just give up and I almost feel that it will win, I am running out of strength and I can only hold on for so much longer, I need another savoir and I don’t want to look anymore, I want the original to come back and I have very little hope left of that happening, so I will just have to continue to push myself and fight that part for as long as I can, hoping that one day I will be able to hope that I will make it through this and that I will one day be able to put it behind me, but for now that is nowhere in sight and I just have to keep fighting as long as I can, as long as my body will last.


Dina said...

Life has handed you a really cruel blow. It's bad enough to lose someone. That's hard in itself....whether they die or break up with you.

But on top of that have the not knowing. Is he alive? Is he out there somewhere, hurt? Does he still love you? If he doesn't love you, why? What went wrong?

All of these questions makes it extra hard to deal with the pain.

You sound a bit suicidal which is probably very normal and common in your situation.

I hope you don't do it because I like you.

It's hard to imagine being happy again. I know. It's probably hard to even imagine being simply okay again. But it will happen eventually. I mean I can't exactly PROMISE that. It's just I know that most people experience the heartache you're feeling and most of us get through it.

I think there's a huge risk in letting one person determine our worth. As you said, you were broken before. He fixed you, and now you're even more broken. I want to say if you were already okay, it wouldn't hurt so bad. But I don't know. That's probably bullshit. It would still hurt.

Life really sucks sometimes. And sometimes it's amazingly great. I think you just have to endure the bad stuff and get to the good.

I guess the best thing to do is find things that make you feel okay...find things that will help you survive. I'm not going to say find things that make you happy because I think right now that's impossible.

But do little things. Write. I know you like that. What else? Sing? Dance? Eat some ice-cream? Buy a small gift for yourself?

Just try to get through this.

Hey and you're a writer. You know what that means? Not only can you say "What doesn't kill me will make me stronger" you can also say "What doesn't kill me will give me new material."

How can anyone be a good writer without experiencing a truly heartbreaking experience?