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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Well I didn't seee this one coming

So I woke up this morning and did what I normally do, turn on my instant messenger to check my email and to my surprise I have a message waiting for me from can you guess, no no you can't it was from Jon. So many different emotions flooded me as I went to read it. it said...

i want to apologize about not being in touch with you, i've been stationed here in japan and life has been too crazy for me, i've lost two relatives and lots of work drama plus my japanese is so rusty and horrible that I can't really work too well here. i'm trying to get sent back to the US I've had lots of issues with customs here cause of the stuff i tried to bring over with me and my dog, yes i brought her with me. I'm sorry to have hurt you, please don't waste any more time on me I'm just not worth it right now.

That is the actual message. at first I was happy and ready to take the explanation and just move on with are relationship but then when I hit the last line, well I was mad and upset. I love him and he knows it how can he say he is not worth my time right now. I get that he is having a hard and crazy and confusing life right now and I wish I could be there for him and it hurts me that I can't.I had started to move on I had planed a vacation to help me now I have canceled it I will wait for him to get back to the US so we can really talk because that is what we need, we needed to talk before he left so we really need to talk now. It is not fair to either of us to end what we had because of this and I have told him that, I have no clue when he will get the message but I can only hope he will at least give me that. I have gone through so much in the last two months emotionally and this just adds so much to my confusion. I had even started to talk to other guys and now I hate myself for it. I regret so much right now, I was moving on and I think even though I am happy to know that for the most part he is okay I took two steps back. I miss him so much and he means so much to me that when I read that last line of his message when he doubted his own worth it made me want to fight harder for him. And I just looked at when he sent the message I wasn't even asleep my computer was just off that makes me even madder at myself I could have talked to him last night and I missed my chance. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens, I'm sick of waiting but I will wait until I have had my closure, no matter how this turns out in the end, both Jon and I deserve to be able to at least talk about it and all that has happened.

1 comments:

Dina said...

I'm sorry.

I can see why all that would be incredibly confusing. I'm disappointed for you. When I read the first few sentences, I thought maybe it was good news.

I think it was decent of him to respond...let you know he was alive.

But I can see how this might make you feel even worse.

It's hard to know how to interpret the last sentence.

Is he

A) kind of fishing for you to say "No! No! I love you. I'm willing to put up with your negative habits. I know you're going through a hard time. I'll stick with you no matter what

Or

B) Trying to let you down easy. "It's not you, it's me."

Oh well. Good luck figuring it out.

I'm here if you need to talk.