Saturday, January 31, 2009

I'm a Jerk Face

So Jon is most likely moving next weekend. I know so depressing. He originally said it was just a trip out to Cali for company orientation but that if he can just stay he will. This means we have one week, not even really, more like five nights left to spend time with each other. I know I know you must be thinking what about this weekend with this weekend you really do have a week, and if I could see him this weekend I would agree, however he got his wisdom teeth removed yesterday, all four, and is pretty much in a constant sleep. He was up yesterday around 7:30pm after them being removed at 8:45 that morning, and just to eat something give me a quick text back from the one I sent earlier and to go back to sleep. He is staying at his parents why he recovers, and well since neither of us are ready for the meet the parents, my parents on the other hand are all for meeting him, I'm not going over there, plus although I know they live around the corner from Jon's place I have no clue where they live. Plus the whole me working till 11 tonight and having to be at work at 9am tomorrow I would have to be with him now to get anytime with him today. And if I knew that he would feel pretty much back to normal tomorrow when I get off work at 5:30pm I would go see him but that is not known so really we have Monday-Friday night after he gets off work well Tuesday after I get off work. It sucks cause I am pretty sure I wont get to see him everyday next week, life will come up and force us apart for a night.

This past week I had seen him Sunday after getting back from San Antonio, Monday night, not Tuesday cause he was spending time with his family, Wednesdays for like two hours because he was being nice and going to help some friends with their computers and he was going really far up north and was going to crash at one of the friends places, not Thursday because his stupid boss made him do all this paperwork before he could go get the prescriptions he needed for his teeth removal and he didn't leave work till almost 8:30 got to the pharmacy just in time went to his parents ate dinner and crashed, and of course not yesterday because of the whole tooth removal he was totally out of it. My week sucked.

So why am I a Jerk Face? Well Wednesday when he was going to help his friend I had no clue that it was that far north and at first was going to go with him, but once he told me that he would most likely be crashing up there it made no sense for me to go, I have class at 8 every morning and I have to leave his place at the latest at 7:20 or i would be late for class, so going with him we would have had to leave at like 6am to get to his place to get my car so I could go back to campus, it just made no sense. But I was upset and angry at him at his friends, I hadn't gotten to see him the night before and I had only been there for like 2 hours when he went to help his friend. When he said it would be better for me to just go back to my dorm I got so pissed that I walked past him and just headed to my car but he knew I was upset and intercepted me before I got to my car. He was trying to make me feel better, he doesn't like to see me upset and he was the reason I was upset. So he had his arms around me trying to get me to stop crying and explain a little more and try to find out why it upset me so much, I know why it upsets me so much to have to leave him especially when we could spend more time together but I'm to chicken to tell him I'm getting there I am going to tell him before he leaves but I'm still scared of his reaction and if it will hurt me, well of course I give stupid reasons like it was a waste of gas and that had I known he was going to leave and we would have to separate that I wouldn't have come at all, I mean he can see how upset I am he even wiped a tear from my eye, it was cold out he didn't want my face wet and even colder with my whacked up body temp, and told me that he was all mine the next day, we kissed and I went to my car, I still cried all the way home, I was still upset, I guess in the back of my mind didn't believe him. Well that was the correct thing to do, not believe him, he was out driving for work at about 3:30pm and when I texted him at 5pm asking if he was going home he said he would be soon, that he just had some paperwork to go through when he got back to the office and then he would be done. Well at about 5:30ish he texted me letting me know he was going to his parents for dinner and to crash, his mom was his ride in the morning and it was just easier. Well at first I thought that meant i wasn't going to get to see, I asked why he couldn't just go over in the morning, he want the simplicity of just waking up and going plus the free home cooked meal, we continued to discuss and when I realized he was still trying to see me I called, the text he sent was hard to read I got the basics of it but i wanted to verify. We talked on the phone for a bit and he explained that he was crabby and tired and hungry and still had work to do cause a co-worker dumped work on him and his boss wanted it done that night cause he wouldn't be there the next day and I could tell he was angry and I explained that I had forgotten that he had said he was staying at his parents the night before his teeth removal and it was pretty much good, he said he would text when he was leaving. I thought it would take him about an hour to finish when he hadn't texted I text him when he still didn't respond I called it was about 7:30, he said he still had a half hour of work left and that he had to get his prescriptions and that he would be cutting it close to the pharmacy closing and that he was just going to go to his parents eat and going to bed. I freaked out. I was starting to cry and had stopped making noise in the phone so he just kept saying 'hello' so I hung up. When he didn't call me back, after I had stopped crying I called him back, he asked if we got disconnected I told him that I hung up, he asked why I explained. He questioned why I was so upset, I kinda told him then let him get back to work. at a little after nine I called again to see if he got his meds, he had. i then went into the explanation of why I felt like a jerk. I hate the friend that called for his help on Wednesday because they took Jon from me and I don't even know the person so I felt like a jerk. I hate his boss for making him do all that work when this is just extra time the Jon is giving to his work, his two weeks from his two weeks notice was up last Friday when I was in San Antonio and he is only still there so he doesn't cut his income off, EA don't start paying till he in Cali. But his boss was the one who gave him the opportunity to send his resume to EA and Sony and his boss helped him a lot and he feels some obligation to his boss, but his boss was still being a jerk Thursday and I still hate him for it and again I don't know the man and I'm being a jerk. I feel bad about hating people I don't know, but I feel worse that I lost time with Jon. We have such limited time together that I really hate to lose it. So even though I feel like a jerk for hating complete strangers I also feel like I have the right to. I mean they are keeping me from the man that I think I am falling in love with, yeah that is what I scared to tell Jon, that I think I am falling in love, that I love him. We are going on four months so it seems early but then again I can't control emotions like that, I could tell myself 'you're not in love you're not in love' over and over again but it wouldn't change anything. See that's why i feel I have the right to hate strangers they are keeping me from the guy I love who will in a very short time be taken away for a really long time, and don't I get to see the guy I love before he leaves, shouldn't I get as much time with him that I can work into my schedule and his, shouldn't I get to be with him the week before he leaves? Right now is such a confusing time, I hate and love my life at the same time. I don't know how to handle the stress and i am ready to give up on school and work. I know had I not meet Jon that I would be worse off right now, but with him moving I just got to experience depression, to happiness, to confusion, to sad in the span of five months and I can't take the emotional stress roller coaster anymore. I just want to be with him not matter what that does to my life.