FREAKING OUT!!!

I just got a text from Jon not to long ago which means he is in the USA but what it really means is that he is here in Texas about a 20 minute drive from me. I am FREAKING OUT, to say the least. I know that if I see him while he is here which I'm pretty sure I will it will be for lunch or something and be as a friends only thing and a way for me to a real goodbye and as much as my brain knows this my heart won't give up the hope that it holds onto. I know rationally and in my brain that as long as Jon lives in Japan there is no way for us to work and since he is there indefinitely as far as I know it means I need to more on. But good god is that hard, I mean I still have feelings for him and care about him and I want him to be happy which he seems to be in Japan so I am truly happy for him, but I hurt, and I hurt a lot. It's hard not to cry when I think about him good memory or bad. At first there were just tears and they would last a while now there are sobs but I can cut it off easier. This is hard, I want to see him so much, just being able to see him again would make me so happy, but knowing that it means different things for him hurts, knowing that it will be most likely the last time I see him hurts, knowing I will only get IM convos after this hurts. I am sick of hurt but willing to bring it on to see him again. Part of me wishes and hopes that he will see me and remember how he felt and how much he really missed me, but I have to keep that part quite and not think like that cause it will only hurt me more in the end.I wish things were different but know that they can't be. Just talking to him through texts from his old TEXAS number hurts showing how fast his whole move was he never changed his number. I wish it could be like it use to be when I see him but I know it won't be, part of me knows I should not see him cause it is too soon but that part won't win I will see him, he asked me if I wanted to get together for lunch, that has to mean something. Part of me still thinks he cares and is hurting too hiding it from me like I hide most of my pain from him but I can't think that way cause I'm not in his mind and I'm already putting myself in for enough hurt. I ave no clue how this will turn out I can only hope that it doesn't send me too far back in the healing process.

Life is crazy

So life is weird and crazy. I talked to Jon today you know the whole trying to be friends thing. Well he IMed me first I saw him sign on and waited and he said hi first and we talked for about an hour. He is going to be in Texas in a few weeks I think not sure he never said when he was actually coming but he wants to visit his family he hasn't seen them I think since he moved anyways he asked me to lunch or something when he is here and of course I said yes, I am looking at it as a real goodbye because the I got before he moved sucked cause it was a see you later that got turned into a goodbye when he decided to move to Japan. It will help if I can start a relationship before he comes here because it will be easier to tell myself that we are just two friends having lunch. I know this will be weird for me but if I get my real goodbye it will be so helpful in the moving on process.

In other things yesterday was my mom's birthday. Since it was a Sunday nothing was really that different other then going out to lunch. She had a very relaxing birthday and when she got on the Wii fit it even wished her a happy birthday.

Well Then

This month has been stressful and hard and haven't felt like writing either on my blog or my novel. I'm so tired and stressed and just don't want to deal with any thing. I am going to visit my bro in Delaware before I officially move and while I'm there we will be visiting our grandparents on my dad's side who we have not seen in 2 years. this should be an interesting trip. That is really all I can think to get out. Hopefully my brain will start working again soon and the writing juices will return.

Blankness

I am so out of it right now. Jon agrees with me that his moving was a big part but he said a part. We are emailing now so it is easier to communicate and we are trying to be friends and talk about the mundane things that go on in our life. I can't really think clearly and I might be moving to Dover to stay with my brother and his wife. I need the change and think it will help. I will be helping them move and staying with them for a while and during that time I will make the decision to move or not. My life is one big ball of confusion and I hope I can figure things out soon.

Well it's Over, Done, Finished For Good

It is officially over. Jon will be in Japan for god knows how long and has started to move on and date so I will truly begin to move on to. I have tried in the past way back when I hadn't heard from him and then again after I had heard from him and the breakup was known on both ends. I am still going to try and keep in contact with him and be semi-friends it will be hard but we will see how it goes. This is actually really good because I can really truly move on now even through it will be hard I wont have the guilt I have been having not that I had anything to feel guilty for it is just the way I handled it I was not ready to give up and now I have to give it up cause he has started dating again I can try to start dating again for real cause that is what I need someone I can get close to and feel comfortable with. I have a long road ahead of me and it is not going to be easy, but I'll just take it one step at a time for now and see how far it gets me.

July 4th and a long drive

I just spent over nine hours in a car driving from Texas to Arkansas we left Austin Area at about 10:30pm and hit Little Rock Air Force Base at about 8:00am. And what was this long drive for to see my big brother and bring him a ton of crap that he will need and or want once he moves to Dover in the next few weeks. I am exhausted I got very little sleep the night before we left going to bed around one and being woken up by my cat at 3am and then again at 5am I was not happy with her. And then we had many things to do and got no nap before leaving and got very little sleep on the way being stuck in a car. it was not fun not fun at all. So now I can't sleep and can't really think now cause of exhaustion.