I'm a Jerk Face

So Jon is most likely moving next weekend. I know so depressing. He originally said it was just a trip out to Cali for company orientation but that if he can just stay he will. This means we have one week, not even really, more like five nights left to spend time with each other. I know I know you must be thinking what about this weekend with this weekend you really do have a week, and if I could see him this weekend I would agree, however he got his wisdom teeth removed yesterday, all four, and is pretty much in a constant sleep. He was up yesterday around 7:30pm after them being removed at 8:45 that morning, and just to eat something give me a quick text back from the one I sent earlier and to go back to sleep. He is staying at his parents why he recovers, and well since neither of us are ready for the meet the parents, my parents on the other hand are all for meeting him, I'm not going over there, plus although I know they live around the corner from Jon's place I have no clue where they live. Plus the whole me working till 11 tonight and having to be at work at 9am tomorrow I would have to be with him now to get anytime with him today. And if I knew that he would feel pretty much back to normal tomorrow when I get off work at 5:30pm I would go see him but that is not known so really we have Monday-Friday night after he gets off work well Tuesday after I get off work. It sucks cause I am pretty sure I wont get to see him everyday next week, life will come up and force us apart for a night.

This past week I had seen him Sunday after getting back from San Antonio, Monday night, not Tuesday cause he was spending time with his family, Wednesdays for like two hours because he was being nice and going to help some friends with their computers and he was going really far up north and was going to crash at one of the friends places, not Thursday because his stupid boss made him do all this paperwork before he could go get the prescriptions he needed for his teeth removal and he didn't leave work till almost 8:30 got to the pharmacy just in time went to his parents ate dinner and crashed, and of course not yesterday because of the whole tooth removal he was totally out of it. My week sucked.

So why am I a Jerk Face? Well Wednesday when he was going to help his friend I had no clue that it was that far north and at first was going to go with him, but once he told me that he would most likely be crashing up there it made no sense for me to go, I have class at 8 every morning and I have to leave his place at the latest at 7:20 or i would be late for class, so going with him we would have had to leave at like 6am to get to his place to get my car so I could go back to campus, it just made no sense. But I was upset and angry at him at his friends, I hadn't gotten to see him the night before and I had only been there for like 2 hours when he went to help his friend. When he said it would be better for me to just go back to my dorm I got so pissed that I walked past him and just headed to my car but he knew I was upset and intercepted me before I got to my car. He was trying to make me feel better, he doesn't like to see me upset and he was the reason I was upset. So he had his arms around me trying to get me to stop crying and explain a little more and try to find out why it upset me so much, I know why it upsets me so much to have to leave him especially when we could spend more time together but I'm to chicken to tell him I'm getting there I am going to tell him before he leaves but I'm still scared of his reaction and if it will hurt me, well of course I give stupid reasons like it was a waste of gas and that had I known he was going to leave and we would have to separate that I wouldn't have come at all, I mean he can see how upset I am he even wiped a tear from my eye, it was cold out he didn't want my face wet and even colder with my whacked up body temp, and told me that he was all mine the next day, we kissed and I went to my car, I still cried all the way home, I was still upset, I guess in the back of my mind didn't believe him. Well that was the correct thing to do, not believe him, he was out driving for work at about 3:30pm and when I texted him at 5pm asking if he was going home he said he would be soon, that he just had some paperwork to go through when he got back to the office and then he would be done. Well at about 5:30ish he texted me letting me know he was going to his parents for dinner and to crash, his mom was his ride in the morning and it was just easier. Well at first I thought that meant i wasn't going to get to see, I asked why he couldn't just go over in the morning, he want the simplicity of just waking up and going plus the free home cooked meal, we continued to discuss and when I realized he was still trying to see me I called, the text he sent was hard to read I got the basics of it but i wanted to verify. We talked on the phone for a bit and he explained that he was crabby and tired and hungry and still had work to do cause a co-worker dumped work on him and his boss wanted it done that night cause he wouldn't be there the next day and I could tell he was angry and I explained that I had forgotten that he had said he was staying at his parents the night before his teeth removal and it was pretty much good, he said he would text when he was leaving. I thought it would take him about an hour to finish when he hadn't texted I text him when he still didn't respond I called it was about 7:30, he said he still had a half hour of work left and that he had to get his prescriptions and that he would be cutting it close to the pharmacy closing and that he was just going to go to his parents eat and going to bed. I freaked out. I was starting to cry and had stopped making noise in the phone so he just kept saying 'hello' so I hung up. When he didn't call me back, after I had stopped crying I called him back, he asked if we got disconnected I told him that I hung up, he asked why I explained. He questioned why I was so upset, I kinda told him then let him get back to work. at a little after nine I called again to see if he got his meds, he had. i then went into the explanation of why I felt like a jerk. I hate the friend that called for his help on Wednesday because they took Jon from me and I don't even know the person so I felt like a jerk. I hate his boss for making him do all that work when this is just extra time the Jon is giving to his work, his two weeks from his two weeks notice was up last Friday when I was in San Antonio and he is only still there so he doesn't cut his income off, EA don't start paying till he in Cali. But his boss was the one who gave him the opportunity to send his resume to EA and Sony and his boss helped him a lot and he feels some obligation to his boss, but his boss was still being a jerk Thursday and I still hate him for it and again I don't know the man and I'm being a jerk. I feel bad about hating people I don't know, but I feel worse that I lost time with Jon. We have such limited time together that I really hate to lose it. So even though I feel like a jerk for hating complete strangers I also feel like I have the right to. I mean they are keeping me from the man that I think I am falling in love with, yeah that is what I scared to tell Jon, that I think I am falling in love, that I love him. We are going on four months so it seems early but then again I can't control emotions like that, I could tell myself 'you're not in love you're not in love' over and over again but it wouldn't change anything. See that's why i feel I have the right to hate strangers they are keeping me from the guy I love who will in a very short time be taken away for a really long time, and don't I get to see the guy I love before he leaves, shouldn't I get as much time with him that I can work into my schedule and his, shouldn't I get to be with him the week before he leaves? Right now is such a confusing time, I hate and love my life at the same time. I don't know how to handle the stress and i am ready to give up on school and work. I know had I not meet Jon that I would be worse off right now, but with him moving I just got to experience depression, to happiness, to confusion, to sad in the span of five months and I can't take the emotional stress roller coaster anymore. I just want to be with him not matter what that does to my life.

...

I don't know what to post. My brother is in Maryland and is getting trained for public affairs. He has a 17&1/2 week program and then he will have about 25 days leave where he will get married have a honeymoon and move to what ever base he gets stationed at. He will be getting out of Tech school just as I finish up this semester. By then I will know if I am staying in Texas or moving to California. I realized that it will be about the time I get ready to register for classes that Jon and I will have to decide where we are taking our relationship. I don't like the stress and it has been really hard on me to know that Jon is leaving soon. I don't really know how to deal with any of this and I am not handling it well. i am trying to live one day at a time it it is a really hard thing to do when my brain is going 100 thoughts a minute and I just want it to stop.

EA wins

Sony came back saying that they could not match or do any better then what they had already offered so Jon is now a proud member of the EA Games family. We still have no clue when he is moving he is now waiting on more details.

I will be leaving for San Antonio in a little bit getting to see my brother for the first time in two months. Funny thing is he sent me a letter to my dorm but I had already moved back to my parents for the break and did not get it until yesterday, Jon says I fail. Which yes at checking my mail I do.

And that is it for now.

What a Day

So classes started today and I only had one at eight this morning. It was French I have it everyday, but it is the only class I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays so if I do my homework for the class right after the class I am done with school on Tuesdays and Thursdays by ten. I work on Tuesdays now so I really just get a break between school and work but on Thursdays when I don't work all that time I will have, and what will I do with it. Most likely sleep, or get stuff for other classes done, I will just have to see how productive I feel. Although tomorrow and Mondays and Fridays and also all the Wednesdays this Semester I will have four classes staring with French and ending at two with Geography of Latin America at two, with Astronomy and Fundamentals of Acting in the middle. Really thinking about it and typing it out makes it feel a whole lot less stressful then last semester, I'm thinking I will have a really fun semester.

I leave tomorrow for San Antonio to see my big bro graduate from Air Force Basic Training and to possibly get married. No one in the Austin area knows what is really going to happen with the wedding, it is one mass of confusion.

Jon lost a co-worker who was a good friend to him, to suicide, on Wednesday of last week, but because of a dental appointment he had Thursday he did not find out about it until yesterday. I didn't get to see him but when I was talking to him he sounded so out of it, I felt really bad that he had to go through this so close to such a good life change in his life. Which last i heard EA was up to 60k a year plus moving expenses and the whatever it would cost for Jon to break his lease here in Texas. I guess we are waiting to hear what Sony offers to that and then he should be making hid decision on which company he will be working for, he would prefer EA so lets all just hope that Sony wont offer anymore then the 58k they are already at.

That would be it for now, cause life just keeps going.

And the Verdict

I may be moving to California in a few months. I know sounds big, it is big. Jon and I talked a lot last night and pretty much decided that no neither of us was ready for this to end, it is going strong and although neither of us knows where it will end we don't want to cut it short by ending it when he moves. Though he will be moving out in the next month, mean mid February at the latest, so we will be trying the long distance thing for a while and if we are still going strong and really think we are ready I will take the jump, change schools and move to California. I will however end up taking next year off if I do this move to get settled, get a job, and learn the area, plus if I'm there before I apply I can apply as a resident and pay cheaper tuition. I am willing and ready to do this but really it all depends on how the next four months go, I am actually really hoping to be moving in the next few months, I think it will do me wonders, but I will not move if Jon and I are no longer going the way we are now. I guess right now it is just one big waiting game.

California, the not so Happy state

The last month of my life has been stressful. I found out just days before Jon left for Oklahoma that he had two possible job opportunities in California. And I found out the day before he left that he was leaving, the was Wednesday, he left Thursday and wont be back till late Sunday, I don't get to see him till Tuesday, maybe Monday if I can pull it. But the lack of time is not really my stresser, yes I would love to have more time to spend together, but I understand why we don't right now. What is really stressing me is what this move could do to our relationship. It could flat out end it, not likely since neither Jon or I want that. It could put a major strain on it as we try to pull off the long distance thing. Or it could rapidly speed it up as we look at other ways to stay close. The thing is my brain went into overdrive thinking about it the minute he questioned what this opportunity would do to us. But then I also refused to talk to him about it. At first I said lets talk about it when it is really facing us, then when it was, when he knew he had the interviews and he tried again I said I didn't want to end it cause he was moving and then changed the subject. We were trying to see each other Wednesday before he left but he had dinner plans with some friends and then his boss called and said that he needed him in the office at 4am, his flight was at noon there was no way for him to say no, and thus I have not seen him since technically Monday morning. We talked a lot Wednesday because i couldn't accept his answer and he had to really explain himself to get me to understand. Then he texted me on his way to the airport and I broke down, I couldn't handle it, it became way to real for me. I slept the majority of Thursday, I was depressed as hell, and had nothing to help me out of it. I called him later that night and we talked for a bit, but we were both so tired it just wasn't working. Today he had his first interview of the trip with EA Games, he got the job, they know he has an interview tomorrow as well and once he finds out what Sony says the two companies are going to pretty much have a money fight, the one who offers the most wins. I found that out around 3 this afternoon, I started to think again. I called him at about 6:30 this evening to talk about what this meant for us but it was too hard to do over the phone so we just talked for an hour, it was good it helped me. I still can't believe all this is happening and I wish Jon were here to talk about it, but only a couple more days and we should be able to work this all out.

I would also happen to have a cold. I believe it finally started to affect me because of my break down Thursday. I mean I have had a fever for almost a week now and so the day I gave up on my strength would be the day that the cold would start to affect me.

UT won the Fiesta Bowl! YAY! And the Gators beat OU! At least some things are going ok.

So What happens when a phone Dies.

You get a new super cool one. I am now the proud owner of a red Pantech Duo. But you know I'm totally okay with my old phone dieing, I had had it for three years and it was time for a new one, I mean it still said cingular and AT&T has been AT&T for a good year now. So it was really time. It is an awesome phone, I can connect to the internet and I have yahoo messenger on it and all this other cool stuff. I am excited it is the first cool phone I have ever had.

Jon called me a while ago and said he may be coming home tomorrow. I was really happy when he told me that. The only problem is yeah I don't work tomorrow but I do have to work Saturday at 6am, if I'm at my parents I will have to wake up at 4:30am and leave their house by 5am, however if I stay at Jon's I don't have to wake up until 5am and leave by 5:20am, I would like that better but don't know for sure if he is coming home tomorrow. I will just have to wait and see and play it by ear.

So that is it for now.