Sunday, November 16, 2008

Well I Tried

I really did try to keep this blog happy and way from the depressing part of my life that has claimed my life for the past two years, that's why I made it for my life in college and my novel, knowing the novel would just be a fun thing to blog about and hoping college life would be better. Well I haven't been able to work on my novel for about a month now and life in college wasn't what I was hoping for. It's new it's a change it all started good. I needed a change I needed new, I've had good experiences with the roommate for the first time, she is actually now never here, I am doing okay in my classes, I have made some friends, but not like my old I never hang out with these friends I am trying to become more social and it's just not happening. And then there's the love life, the guy. It was another thing I needed, I had been alone for so long it's good to have someone, but now some of the most retarded things are pissing me off. I mean it's been about a month, and I could really care less if he wants to go get drunk with his friends, or like last night complete and total strangers, but that's what made me mad at him last night. He went out to party and I was unable to see him. I spent my night pissed off trying to distract myself in my dorm until a reasonable time to go to bed, why he was out getting drunk, oh and I let him know how pissed I was, the thing he called today to try and work things out and it did nothing, I am still pissed at him and maybe even more then I was last night. The thing is I really do like him and don't want to stop seeing him, that's why I got so mad that's why I feel like I can express that anger to him, I feel safe with him and I care about him, and I want to see where things go, but he is making it hard, I don't think he understands some of the things I tell him, I don't think he gets what I tell him. I want this to work, I need this to work, but I don't know how much more I can take, I had such a crappy and depressing two years that I can't let it continue, I am working on making my life better and at least for now I believe Jon is part of that, but if I can't get him to understand what I am telling him, I can't see us together for much longer and that makes me sad, I feel that I am doing this to myself, that I am getting mad and upset over nothing, that I am unconsciously ruining this but then I also feel that I am the only one trying that I am the one planing and finding times for us to see each other and from when we first meet to now that is a big difference, he pestered me on IM for two or three days to meet him in person, and when it looked like we would only be able to see each other on weekends he asked me to let him know if I would be free during the week, and now it's me trying to find the time for us to get together. Right now he thinks I'm not mad at him anymore but he's wrong I'm still mad and will continue to be mad until I can really talk to him about what is going on in my head, which I refuse to do over IM or the phone, and with my busy week and weekend I have no clue when that will be, let's just hope for both Jon and my sakes the time away for me to think will let this whole mess in my head end happily because I won't be able to handle anything if I lose what I do have with him.